General Chat

Where is Dr Longlegs then? jumped ship? she had toooo much to do that woman - I told I said, you have tooooo much to do woman and yet she kept on and on. I am not qualified to be Dr. I can only deal with stiffies and vampire thingys - mind you if you lot eat the Shepherds Pie then I will be pretty busy (with my trochar at the ready) Jac the Drac and Chief Mortician

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I'm waist deep in mammoth poo. If someone doesn't come up with an idea for storing that mammoth soon I'm going to put it off at the next port and be damned. Just don't blame me if we have need of an emergency mammoth at any point on this voyage. I've been baling out all day (as have the surplus elves) and so have missed breakfast and lunch - not to mention the rest of the action onboard today. Angela, Quartermaster

Jac Doc wears glasses.

i'm off for my excersise class now, need to get in shape for when the sun comes out, I can shade anyone that burns easily. Lady M

Well if Dr Longlegs is absent and no one minds a 2'6" short sighted ex-vampire for a doctor then I will help out (I only work at nights though) Regarding the mamoth poo - have you no extra large Huggies on board woman - use your noddle - if necessary get some bath towels and stitch them together to make hugemonous nappies - do we need to advertise for a nappy-changer? On the plus side, the mamoth poo might be useful in the Italian Garden to fertilise the crops, and help feed the camels (several of which are becoming frisky and growing lumps where they didnt ought to) Jac the Drac

I heard the poo may be good for your skin, Could I have some for a facepak please Lady M

WARNING - do not put mamoth poo on your face - you will grow hair overnight - mind you, if there are any bald headed geysers on board, perhaps for a small fee for a hand-size portion of poo we might make a killing! Ask the sluts which of their customers wear wigs, and we might have a ready market! Jac the Drac Chief Entrepreneur

That would explain why I need to have my top lip waxed fortnightly then. Thanks for the advice I will now stick to soap and water. Lady M

i must be off now hopefully i will be able to find my special pills later but i can feel myselff melting...must rush....speak to u soon Steph EM

MESSAGE FOR LADY ANNE Madame, I do so hate repeating myself so please listen up. As I shall only say this one more time. I do not frequent your bordello so you must be mistaken as to who was swinging on your chandelier. I have already informed SLUTTY JEAN that I am an "old soak" and not a lady of the night. SECURITY DAVE Thank you for getting rid of that tiresome rat and you shall have kippers for breakfast;-) JAC THE DRAC Get yourself down to sickbay for some fresh blood as you must be having withdrawl symptoms. I would skin you alive and wear DRAC shoes before touching one scale on Boris's scaley back. ATTENTION: What has happened to the new assistant cook has anybody seen her.? Please don't tell me that she too has joined the brothel. Where is that "lazy bugger" dishwasher? FAT LADY, COOK

DINNER MENU TO BE SERVED FROM 19:00 TO 21:OO FOR THE ADMIRAL, DR. LEGS. DAVE THE CROC HATER AND ALL PAYING PASSENGERS. Shrimp Cocktail served in Avocado Pear halves. Oven Baked Whole Bass covered in Streaky Bacon cooked in White Wine with new potatoes and whole Baby carrots. Mango Sherbet and banana fritters A whole Water Melon that has absorbed half a bottle of vodka to be cut into slices just before eating as not to spoil the taste. Red or White wine to be ordered from the bar. assorted cheese and crackers. Brandy of your choice. Coffee THE CREW AND THE BROTHEL SHALL HAVE THE SAME MENU EXCEPT FOR THE SHRIMP IN THEIR AVOCADO, NO WATERMELON OR ALCOHOL. Lady Anne you know the drill send your girls down half an hour before the crew sits down to eat. The Galley will be closed at 21:00 and Boris will be allowed to roam around free and will nip anyone who tries to sneak in. Remember he only gets fed in the mornings. So he is very very hungry. Right I am off to the bar for a drink before the dinner rush. FAT LADY, COOK

Fat Cook thanks for the kippers if you have a spare couple i'd like some for supper as well, i'll be along after dinner with a bottle of champers, keep that waste of space crocodile away from me or i'll drink the lot myself, off to do the rounds before dinner, David ( Security ) be afraid

LAdy M, I'm sorry but I have absolutely nowhere to store Patrick Swayze so you'll just have to cope with the interruptions. As for mammoth poo facepaks ......hmm, I'm sure that could be managed without too much bother. I won't try them myself though. Angela, Quartermaster

Quartermaster here, Am offering for sale (very cheap) certain surplus supplies 1) Very ancient face pack prepared to original recipe - been around since the stone age and very many recommendations. Great for wrinkles (especially those of a pachidermal type). 2)Tried and tested overnight baldness cure - quite smelly, but can provide odour-proof cap to wear in bed (secured with 2nd hand knicker elastic). 3)Absolutely wonderful compost mix - great for keeping those houseplants you've brought on board happy and healthy come what may 4)12 fully trained house elves - great to keep your cabin tidy, don't take up much room, handy for those housekeeping tasks you don't have time/inclination for and don't eat much. Just need new red shoes every 6 weeks (can be supplied). Offers please Angela, at the Quartermaster's office

Kareoke singer / assistant cook reporting for duty, Just got up. As I am on PST (Pacific Stanadard Time) I'll be able to help Master Cook doing prep work, during the night when she's having her much needed beauty sleep. Does anyone want a singer about 4 - 6am GMT?

Apologies, Black Widow. I'll amend the emergency inventory. Make sure you wash that clay off before it solidifies though. I don't have storage space for any more sculptures and I wouldn't want any unfortunate mistakes made anyway. Mammoth poo, by the way, is great for dissolving clay. I haven't yet found anything to dissolve the mammoth poo but the elves are working on it. Angela, Quartermaster

I could be the wake up caller with my singing. "Oh what a beautiful morning" or "good morning sunshine" - depending on my mood or if I'm PMS it could be "the bitch is back"

Just helping cook get the midnight buffet ready - where is she anyway? The cooking wine is missing!

Count me in for the midnight buffet. I'm famished so I'll eat anything (except mammoth!). Could particularly fancy a nice rocket salad with wraps and freshly cooked seafish. Angela. Quartermaster

As we have an abundance of seafood we will have sushi tonight - with lots of Saki