General Chat

Yes i agree with you Alcoholics ae so selfish, My Grandfather took to the bottle when my Nanna died - i was very young at the time and the memories still haunt me to this day of either his so called friends bringing home or the Police. The dinners that where thrown at the walls and the endless rows my mother had with him-(we lived in his house at the time ) and of the birthday present that was broken when i opened it, i cried myself to sleep and when i woke took it to him and left it there with him and a letter telling how i thought-today this day i don`t know if it was that made him change. Rest in Peace where ever you are. Lizz

Karen, You had to do what you did. If you hadn't then the school would have done so - you have no need to feel guilty at all. Much as I love 'our' ex-alcoholic I would have stepped in if I thought for a second his children were in any danger. Fortunately his wife did the right thing and threw him out. Children's safety has to come before anything. Gwynne

Jacky, I feel like that - I feel uncomfortable when some drink to excess at the meets - thankfully I have only been to one that it happened at. Debby - My ex used me as an ashtray - still have the scars from that. When I told him to leave I threatened to have him charged with the assault of one of our children and also on me - his reaction???? he signed himself into a psychiatric ward - where he was in the company of 3 other people from his favourite pub. One died a few weeks later - a woman of 39, another slit his wrists badly when he got home - to be found by his 15 year old daughter and the 3rd?? well he is in his late 40's now but is like a man of 80. My ex? havent seen him for over 5 years now - I moved away. I have seen a photo of him - and was shocked - he looks so old and haggard and I can see the damage drinking has done and is still doing to him. I forgave him for all he did to me but can never forget- I often think about the child who never arrived through him - but then I get too sad and cry. I beg the forgiveness of my children for not doing something earlier - their lives may have been so different if they hadnt had to live in fear, walking on eggshells never being allowed to have friends round, witnessing his rages. I was too scared and weak - he drove my son away - caused my daughter so many emotional scars - we felt we were on our own - against the world.

Morning everyone, i have just been reading through the latest comments. Karen you did the right thing, children need protecting. Wendy, what can i say except i admire not only your guts for telling us but also your taking control of your problem and changing your life. I know its not easy for an alcoholic to stop, so well done for all the hard work and determination it must have taken you. Jacky, its suprising how well some alcoholics can hide their problem by only drinking on certain days of the week, it can be a while before you notice there is a problem and its not the occasional 'bender'. My parents were adamant they were not alcoholics as they didn't -at the time- spend all day in the pub, and they were able to hold down respectable jobs and positions in the community......they just drank behind closed doors. When they lost jobs, friends, and eventually their home through their drinking they were not alcoholics. Family feuds, serious health issues, including cancer, alcohol smuggled into hospital at visiting time, hiden bottles when staying with family, or visitors arrive, tempers when the money has run out and there isn't a drink for 24 hours, and they are still not alcoholics........... That doesn't even begin to touch on what the home life was like, thats too personal for on here. I personally think its a genetic problem, as much as social, as growing up with the situation i was determined not to be like it, there is a certain spirit i cannot stand the smell of, it makes me physically ill due to the memories, and i drink in moderation, because i refuse to be boxed in by someone else's problem, however i have on 2 occasions in my life had too much, and neither time am i proud of myself, but they were both emotional occasions and i wonder if its a throwback to my parents. I hope not, i hope they are just 2 lapses that will not become a 3rd. As for my brothers they are heavy drinkers, two of them are also addicted to other things they shouldn't be, and doing my family tree has dug up lots of similar addictive problems. This thread is probably far too personal in retrospect, but i am leaving it as i have spent too many years being ashamed of something that was not under my control, and it is liberating to talk to people who have similar life experience. To everyone who has been through the misery of living with an alcoholic, whether you have walked away, or stayed and suffered, my thoughts are with you. Yvette

I have just logged on to GR today and I am not surprised to see this thread is still running. There is so much alcoholism in families, most of the time hidden (for various reasons). I have found that anywhere I go, once I start to talk about the problems in my family (my sister's bloke and my mother) it isn't very long before a surprising number of people reveal similar stories (just like this thread). I have openly admitted that my mother was an alcoholic, because it helps me to cope with the feelings that I have about it. My mother died 4 years ago from an alcohol related illness and I still feel really angry about it. She wasn't a 'falling down drunk' like some poor souls are, more of a quiet, indoors type of drinker. This didn't stop her from making the lives of those close to her hell, whenever she had been drinking. She had a split personality, to her friends and work colleagues she was a different person, kind and generous, always there for them. Indoors she could be a tyrant, demanding and vindictive. My poor dad bore the brunt of it, he never discusses what went on, not even now. I would be summoned in the middle of the night by my mum because she had smashed up the place and my dad 'had left her'. In reality he had gone for a walk to cool off. After a while I refused to attend these incidents because I found them so distressing, she would turn on me as soon as I arrived. I finally dealt with her outbursts by removing myself from her presence, I would only stay in her house as long as she was civil as soon as the tone of her conversation began to change I was off. This prevented me from saying what I really felt, and the fallout that would ensue. Cowardly? yes, but by maintaining this stance I could at least monitor the situation and try to help my poor dad when I could.

Hi, my daughter and her partner both suffer this awful illness, what started off as a harmless drink has cost her everything she held precious and has robbed me of a beautiful child, she is still beautiful to me, but not everyone can see past the illness, I am bringing up my twin g/daughters( had to go to court to get a residence order as g/parents do not have automatic rights to their g/children) it was heartbreaking but worth it in the end. kes

gerri, that was the point,i was making. when they sober up,and you give them a card from AA,and tell them to phone now! they're reply is usually 'will ring them tomorrow'....but tomorrow never comes. bryan.

My late father was an alcoholic, He died in 03 a lonely and broken man. Yes .. selfish is one word you could use .. but to say they all are of that mind is wrong as most dont know their own mind. You can say the same about smokers, Dangerous drivers.. I have said for many years .. that when i was 15 my father stopped being.... just that, A father to me and my 3 sisters, and a husband to my later mother. Most fight a losing battle as did my father.. he died of throat cancer after years of abuse, He had lost his house, savings, his children and his wife. My sisters unfortunately never spoke to him for 12 years even though they lived in the same town. I tried to help him.. many times, Though once left on his own for more than a day... he would surcumb to the urges and the cravings and the undoubted need for alcohol. It was a relic of his days in the RAF, where he would spend nights in the mess drinking till the early hours with his friends and comrades, It is only now in my generation that we feel and see the harm it did. I am sure..if he is watching, He regrets every single drop that past his lips.. but alas you are here once and only have one chance at doing it right. The liberal drinking laws now coming into effect will ... i fear make matters worse. I hope our childrens children dont feel and see the effects of this in years to come... as some of my generation have. Andy BSc . MEng . BSDA

Yes Andy smoking is just as addictive but smokers dont physically abuse people,I myself have never smoked but my Mum smokes heavily and does not drink and calls people who drink but to me smoking is a dirty disgusting habit, my Mum says it doesnt harm non smokers but she is wrong why have I who have never smoked a cigarette in my life got 'chronic bronchitus' it is not fair, it is by passive smoking probaly I sometimes feel when I visit my Mum for a couple of hours I have smoked about 10 cigarettes. Davex Wendy sorry for digressing from the thread!

Dave .. i think you need to re-phrase your statement about smokers not physically abusing people ..!! . .they certainly do... They can be just as nasty and vicious when they are trying to come off the weed as someone who is trying to knock the drink. taking a liberty here as im assuming you meant whilst a drinker would be drunk?? Not all alcoholics are abusive physically. . my father wasn't, It was mental abuse.. which was akin to my ex partner when she tried to stop smoking, talk about nasty!! The rest of your post i agree with. Andy BSc . MEng . BSDA

Not at all, Dave. I detest seeing people smoking around children. When I see parents smoking in a car with the children in the back I always think of it as a mobile coffin. Drinkers, smokers, dangerous drivers - quite often each group attempts to denigrate the others in an attempt to justify their own selfish behaviour. They ALL harm other people's lives in their own ways.

Andy Im not rephrasing anything if you read my earlier comments my brother is alcoholic and I love him to bits before you go off on a tangent read the thread back please.! Dave Bennett University of Life!

Dave.. Reading back on your previous comments does nothing to change the 'facts' in your 2nd to last thread. I repeat my statement you need to rephrase it. But it is your purogative Dave. Funny how you are accused of going off on one when all you are doing is pointing something out to someone. In your university of life, theory should be the same as practice.. but in practice it never is! Regards Andy BSc MEng BSDA

Andy hope that you are not trying to spoil a very good discussion thread with your comments! and why should anybody be interested in your qualifications lol! Dave but did notice you havent got a degree in English but that is your 'Purogative' lol!

ANDY, It made my heart weep to read your story,as a grandma who is bringing up her twin grandaughters who are only 3yrs old, I applaud you for still trying to be there for your Dad when he was still alive, my daughter is just 23 yrs old is highly intelligent, beautiful and was (i hope) brought up well, her life is controlled by drugs and drink - neither of which are picky who they feed off.I tried and still do to be there for her which is not always easy, she has attempted to end her life so many times,and self harms regulary.she has had lots of counselling etc (i am a counsellor- which hopefully helps me to see past her problems). I know that I am doing the best I can for her in keeping her girls safe, but I do worry that one day just like you said of your Dad she will regret every drop of drink she had, pray God that she is strong enough to survive that regret. Sending you good and loving wishes Keri

Thank You all for sharing your stories!! Alcohlism is sometimes the hidden illness and a lot of us have been touched by the honesty shown on here!! Thank You again! Karen

i agree with karen, this has been one of the best threads,that i have seen on the boards...and that is down to all of you! by giving your own stories,you have also helped yourselves...its a form of personal therapy...your stories have been heart breaking,and i wish every one of you,peace and happiness in your future lives. bryan.

I agree Bryan, its not easy but the more I admit it to others its like re-admitting it to myself, just in case I forget and think i'm cured!! My illness does that sometimes, tells me 1 wouldn't hurt. Sheila, picked up on a few things in previous threads you've posted on, sounds like we were married to the same man!! Mine even beat the c*** out of me on our wedding nite, broken ribs (again), black eyes, etc. took a long time and a lot of courage to finally leave, I'm glad you found happiness too. wend xx

Thank you Keri.. and the very same to you and yours. Best Regards Andy

I am brave enough after reading all your stories to tell you mine and maybe because my story is different you will find it interesting I can understand any one who has been married to an alcoholic leaving them but I didn't I was bashed and kicked and abused but still I stayed I don't know if it was battered woman syndrome or love that made me stay but some one upstairs must have heard my prayers as my husband after havig a bet with my son gave up alcohol 15years ago and hasn't looked back he hasn't slipped and is a beautiful caring person the one I could always see was there he became a wonderful father and a truly great husband who is happy and who doesn't have any traits of an alcoholic left , he is a Veteran of the Vietnam war all of which hasn't helped him at all but we don't blame that entirely for his drinking his mother and his father drank and his mum died after falling over drunk and his father died from diabetes and heart problems caused through it I now have three beautiful children two of them are alcoholics and one is successfully off it at this time and the other is having a dreadful time trying to come to terms with it and realise there is a cure but you need to want to be cured and he has not hit his rock bottom yet but with the love and support we try to give we hope this will happen soon we love him without reserve but hate the disease and the results of it and feel shocking stress every day because of it I try to stay strong and pray for help for him I know you will all say one for him and us and think of us love to all fighting this dreadful disease and its consequences love Lara