General Chat

Good luck Sheila, you did the right thing. You cannot control THEIR behaviour, only yours. They have to find their own ROCK BOTTOM, dont they? Deanna

Deanna - It broke my heart to think that I was abandoning him - but I had to think of my own peace of mind and that of my children - I know they have emotional scars because of it - but I have NEVER and will never badmouth him to them (they are lovely adults now - of 25 and 22) He is their father and they love him for who he is - and not what he is . I have now remarried - to my Paul - and feel safe and treasured by him - strange as it may seem to some - (cos they have met me lol) Paul treats me as if I am a priceless piece of rare and delicate porcelain She

Sheila, Im so very happy for you..you deserve happiness .... Its strange when its happening to you ..you think you are the only one in the world it is happening to ..well we did...but its soo common... Good Luck Im really very happy for you Anita xx

Yes, well hang on to what you have. I too have been luck second time around,although EX. was not an A. Just selfish, enough said! best of luck to you . Deanna

My sister lived with a man that was an alcoholic for 17 years (she had 2 children with him) and it was the worst 17 years of her life. She has been free of him for the last 10 years or so but he STILL has the power to hurt her even now, mainly through her children. He has moved away from the area and made a new life for himself (with a woman who is also a recovering alcoholic). They are buying a house together, have 2 cars, and all the so-called trappings of success. My sister in the meantime is STILL paying off the debts that he ran up. My parents bailed them out time after time financially my mum kept a record of it, I stopped asking her how much after it got to 10,000 pounds, I was so angry!! He used to go on benders and wake up in the middle of nowhere, at some remote station or small village in the early hours of the morning, and no matter how drunk he was he could always remember my parent's phone number and call for help. (No point in phoning my sister she didn't have a car!). My dad used to turn out in the early hours to go and collect him! The worst thing about all this is HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT, we are making it all up, just to have a go at him!! Am I bitter? You bet you! Thank you for reading this, it is probably the nearest I will ever get to telling him how I feel. I paid for my mother's funeral because my parent's had not a penny left between them! So yes Alcoholics ARE so selfish!

Neeta, don't feel bad about trying to blackmail your Mum into staying sober, i have been in a similar situation with my parents. You become desperate to get them to see how much it hurts to watch them destroying everything and everyone around them, and you end up trying the things you never would in the cold light of day. The only trouble with that is it doesn't work, so you get hurt even more. Yes they are selfish, but so are the gamblers, drug addicts etc, thats the trouble with addiction of any sort. Its heartbreaking living with someone who is an addict, whatever the relationship, growing up with two, and finding that actually its not normal, and learning to hide/cover their tracks, and dealing with people who can't actually see the problem (as alcoholics are very devious, not all of them are stumbling smelly wrecks!) doesn't just take over your life..it is your life. I was terribly ashamed at times, angry at others, and just plain heartbroken most of it. I made several attempts to cry for help, but because my parents at the time were so respected in the area, and could cover well, it was never picked up on. Luckily today there is more awareness of the problems, and people usually- but not always- pick things up. I sympathise with all of you that have been in a situation with an addict, and to those who can't understand why we still love the addict i can only say, love is unconditional- and hope springs eternal. Yvette

My God, reading most of the replies I realise just how lucky I've been in my life (apart from being married 1st time round to a compulsive gambler, the habits of which are horrendous). I wish all of you, who've been victims of this terrible illness, alcoholism, all the best after your dreadful experiences. G x

I live with an alcoholic and have done for 16 years. I've got rid of him more times than I care to remember but he keeps turning up like a bad penny. They are not only dependent on drink they are dependent on other's who'll put up with them and they are excellent at choosing the 'right' people. He's just like people have described here, lovely sober and an ignorant boorish brute drunk. He's a binge alcoholic, can stay sober for months and so is able to pull the wool over the eyes of a lot of people. I, of course, am a liar - and that is one of the polite things I get called. He wants help - or so he has said innumerable times - but that help consists of me doing something about it, not him putting in any effort. That means he's not sunk low enough yet, apparently. Although psychiatrists say it doesn't run in families, his Mother was also an alcoholic. I had a nervous breakdown over it all a few years back but it's made me stronger, he'll never be able to do that to me again, but it changes you. I really pray I am not horrible to people outside of what was this relationship but I have to admit that's all I can be to him now. I've run out of sympathy and support, you can only help someone who is prepared to put in some time themselves. When it all goes pearshaped, you are the one to blame. It's the hardest thing in the world to take responsibility for your own actions but hey that's what I have to do so why can't he. It's pathetic. I've also supported a very close family member through drug addiction and seen him come triumphantly out the other side and I am so proud of him and that's why this alcohol thing leaves me cold. Sorry to rant and sound heartless possibly to some but that's how it's made me all these years of abuse. Luv to everyone who is suffering. Jan :-))

You don't sound at all heartless Jan, in fact, quite the opposite. I wish you all the strength and luck in the world. XXXBC

Jan - hugs to you honey. xx

Thank you, you guys. Just have to get a shot of immune now and then. xx Jan

its not that great being the kid of an alcoholic. you grow up being scared of having a good night with a few drinks in case people pressume you are going to turn out like your parent. being a child, scared of asking to go out, come home from school in case they have been in the pub drinking all afternoon. scared of them coming home cos you dont know how they are going to be when they get there. not wanting to be talented at things like playing a guitar cos your parent will get jealous and try cutting your fingers off with kitchen scissors. feeling guilty about being relieved that the alcoholic parent got told to leave, knowing you arent going to have such a hard time at home. constantly being letting down by the parent. then stupidly falling for their broken promises the following week/fortnight/month - whenever they were going to be sober enough to come see you next. hoping they have changed when they seem settled again - only to be let down again. falling for all the same c**p year after year.

Butter Bear - was it your mother or father? hope you dont mind me asking. And I do hope you still love the parent - because I am sure deep down somewhere they do love you but dont have the - was going to say bottle - but thats not very apt at all is it lol - the strength , to say they love you - keep loving them - you will be a light at the end of their dark tunnel. Remember that the drinking parent is filled with self-hatred and feels unworthy - even though they are more than likely a really nice person

sheila the parent in question is my father. although he is also known as the sperm donor. i know it may sound heartless and nasty but growing up he wasnt really there for me as a dad. he was as his nickname suggests. the distance between us now makes it easier for me not to get dissappointed time and time again. my main concern is my forthcoming wedding and my beautiful daughter. he is supposedly coming to give me away but i am not holding my breath. (although i may need a seat if he does turn up lol)

BB I am sure in his heart of hearts he will be there for you - has he seen your child? it must make him proud of the fact that you seem to have grown up ok and have your own family. She

sheila yes my father has seen my daughter, but he has step grandchildren aswell so they seem to take priority. it doesnt bother me though as my daughter is too young to realise who he is. he hasnt seen her since october. she has plenty people all over the place who dote on her, so she isnt losing out. it is him who is missing out on this fantastic little girl

After reading this thread I'm not sure what to say. Butter Bear, ..... I KNOW exactly where you are coming from. I was going to write a story ..... but seems that everything has been said .. except my personal view on this subject: I was extremely lucky ... in that my alcoholic mother died when I was 14. I was laying in bed with her at the time. She choked on her own vomit because she was too damn drunk to be able to raise her head. I was scared at the time I realised that she was dead and not just asleep, but the sense of relief that came over me scared me even more. Wasn't I supposed to cry now ? Why wasn't I upset ? Why when people came upto me and said ' you poor poor child ' did I not understand their sentiments ? Only a child who goes through the sheer hell of living with a violent, abusive alcoholic would ever understand. I'm not heartless ... just numb of all feelings as far as she is concerned. Social Services ? ... and what do they know ? they stare it in the face and walk away .. yeah rite, so much for child protection.

I am not sure what Bendy was expecting with this thread, but i for one have found it somewhat liberating, as well as distressing. So thanks Bendy for starting it. Butter Bear and Dancer, i know where you are coming from, and understand, but after many years of feeling it was a dirty secret to be kept at all costs i am grateful for the chance to share stories with you. One of the hardest things of being the child of alcoholics is the sense of being alone. While i am so sorry to hear you had such a hard time, it is 'nice'(?) to know i wasn't the only one, if you know what i mean?? I hope you are not offended by my comments and understand what i mean, as i wouldn't like to cause any upset. Its just my take on it all. Yvette

my brother was there for most of the time, but he went to the army and left me. i know it sounds selfish but you know what i mean hopefully. but at school it was like we were the only ones to have an alcoholic parent. one of my mates now calls me an alcky (?)when we have a drink which really gets on my nerves, but then again he isnt to know is he?

Yvette, To be quite honest, this thread is the first time I have ever spoken about it outside of family, so yes, I agree, Thanks Bendy, for bringing it out into the open. I moved away from my beloved home town, as I was always referred to and known as 'her with the Alcy mother who died' ... not nice when folks only know who you are because of your past ! I felt that most of my friends only wanted me so that they could get the 'juicy' gossip from me .... or there were those who just felt so sorry for me cos I had no friends ! Either way I was on a looser ! Friends and neighbours now, take me for who I am and don't know anything about my past. I just hope that there is noone who lives near me reading this ! Any person who has experience of an Alcoholic has my utmost understanding and feelings. Dancer x