Genealogy Chat

Please read, sorry it's a bit long...

MAY 24th 2005 My brother-in-Law has traced his mother, she is 56/57yrs old, he's 36 and his parents separated when he was 3yrs old, he’s not seen his mother since. He was brought up by his paternal grandparents. He & my sister composed a very nice letter, saying he would like to meet her. He got no response, 3 weeks later he wrote again, just reiterating what he had already said. He got this reply today. Dear Mr H*** On behalf of Mrs H*** I am writing to you, not to write to this address again. I am one of two carers, who look after her, she is very ill, she was in hospital at the time of your first letter, it set it back a lot. Please respect her need to be left in peace, and the time she has left. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Mrs J Jones He’s absolutely devastated as you can imagine. What now? Is that a closed door? Would you leave things as they are, he’s so upset. I would appreciate your insights Sam

OMG.how awful. My first re-action is that I would go round BUT.......what a predicament, should anything happen he would feel responsible..........there again this will probably be his last chance to see her. I think he must just do what his gut instinct says............she MAY change her mind + want to see him though...There was an uncle in my adopted fam. who had, for his own reasons, lost contact with all the family but when he knew he was dying he wanted to put things straight. The poor man...I really feel for him.

What a sad reply for your relation. I wonder if the reply has come from his mother or the carers who think they are doing what they think is best for her. Is there no family member that can go and visit his mother and see how she really feels. I am sorry to say it but it sounds like the lady is quite poorly and perhaps to ill to think straight at the moment. Good Luck Irene

I am not being funny but I would write again saying I am her son and if she has not got much time left then please let me see her or I would turn up on the door step I mean if they are telling the truth and she has not got much time she might be scared but give it one last shot

What a blow for him - I most certainly would not leave it at that. what right has the care worker to dictate in such terms! Very best of luck. xx

I am sorry to hear of your plight.I am a care assistant and believe me alot of elderly people would pass away a lot happier if their lives had been in order.The carer had no right to deal with this matter unless she had power of attorney.If you don't try to resolve this matter you may regret it. of course you will have to be tactful and gentle and hope that you can turn things around.When I look back on my life there are so many regrets.I would rather be witout them. I wish you every happiness and that you will succeed in your mission.

Sammy I'm sorry your brother in law had to receive such a horrid letter. My thoughts are that if the carers truly had his mother's best interests at heart, then they would have taken the time to write a more kindly letter explaining the situation exactly and her wishes clearly. Even if his mother had said she was completley disinterested they would probably have softened the message. I can't see the upside for anyone in writing the letter he received, except that it keeps a relative away and leaves the 'carer' in charge - could I be paranoid? perhaps. Could he go and see her, if she is genuinely too ill, or really doesn't want contact then he would be able to judge it for himself. Another thought, if she is ill and needing carers then he might be able to find out if the social services are involved and make contact that way. I recently did this for my Nana as none of us has contact but we wanted to be sure she was ok. Karen

I HOPE he does have another try to contact her, Smiley................I wish him all the luck in the world. I think all of us will be thinking about him + hoping he manages to see his Mum. Regards Ann

How sad. I go along with the others. How do you know that the carers even asked his Mother what she wanted. My grandad was looked after by a 'carer' in his last 2 years, and she took him over completely. Even though we all lived in the next street and had seen him almost daily all our lives, we practically had to ask this womans permission to see him. Please don't misunderstand me, I know there are many carers who do a wonderful job but how do you know that these two have her 'best interests' at heart. Hope something can get sorted. Linda

While I can understand how devastating this situation must be for your brother-in-law, I think he may have to put a slightly different perspective onto this. If it were me, I would try to find out who Mrs Jones is... hire a solicitor if he has to, but find out what predicament his mother is in before trying again - even if this means it may be too late. Note I used the word 'mother'... this lady isn't his mum - that privileged title should be given to the woman who raised him. I speak as a person who has seen this predicament before - from both sides... sadly, sometimes in life there are no happy ever afters, no tying up of lose ends... Support your brother-in-law (as it seems you are doing so already)... and let him know that you are there for him nomatter what, but I suspect you may have to be prepared for the worst in this matter. How terribly sad it all is for your family... I expect I shall be one of many many people on here that are thinking of your brother-in-law, and sending the best to him.

If your brother in law has not been adopted then he is still her son. After and along with the husband he has inheritance and administrative rights should anything happen to her. It sounds a bit suspect. Bob

Not much to add to what has already been said other than to say that I do feel for him, he must be devastated and that I agree totally with Hannah. No care worker has the right to dictate that he cannot see her or cannot contact her without Power of Attorney over that person. The idea of trying to establish what kind of care she is receiving and for what is a good suggestion. That way he can gauge whether she really is as ill as the carer is making out or whether this is, as has been suggested, a rather suspect attempt at keeping someone with a rightful claim (not that that is his intention, I know that) on anything once she has passed away Lou

Would it be possible to find out more about her medical condition from her doctor? Your brother in law may be her next of kin, unless another person has been nominated. Whilst Mrs Jones may think she can speak for his mother, our family like Linda's have experienced being kept at arm's length by someone who 'befriended' my aunt... She managed to get her bungalow off her too. Mrs Jones may not have exposed the full picture.

I feel so sorry for the BIL's predicament. I can't offer any advice (not been in the situation myself, thank goodness) but I really hope that she reconsiders.... even if she is the one who decided to write that letter. The carers don't seem to have much of a heart, and the lady is not that old at all - she's what 60? That's young!! I do hope things turn out for the best. Chloe x

Yes.........as her legal son ,he could ring +discuss the situation with the GP.. If you live away from your parents the GP's WILL discuss things on the phone............Well worth doing.

Sounds very unprofessional for a carer to write a letter telling him not to write to this address again, especially if he is her only living relative, definately sounds a bit dodgy. If she is only in her late 50's she may still have her parents alive or brothers or sisters. There are some very nasty people around who prey on people who they think are on their own and have nobody to leave their property etc to. I would definately make a trip to her address and speak to neighbours and/or her Doctor. Good Luck. Maggie

Sammy, What a sad thing to happen. Can you not write to the carer direct?if she has given you her name explain in detail that he is not looking for anything from her (she might think because his mother is sick he's after something,)Ask if the reply came from his mother herself or the words of the carer! Good Luck, and best wishes to your friend MOE!

He could write a letter to this Mrs Jones c/o that address and explain who is is and that if the wording in her letter is from his 'mother 'then all he can do is respect her wishes but if she has written it off her own back then she has no right to dictate what the wishes of his mother may be,, I would also ask if the 'mother' got the letter in the first place'' I think that the 'mother 'would have said please respect MY wishes,,this sounds like that she has taken it on herself to write this,and perhaps the mother knows nothing about it...why dont he go he could always ask the next door what the situation is,,and really 300miles is nothing compared to if he sits back and does nothing...and its to late,,only to live with regrets,,,

Dear Sammy, My heartfelt wishes to your B I L. Sadly for me my Dad passed recently, and as he was my Mum's carer we had to get Social Services involved. There is so much they are not allowed to do without permission, I would think writing a letter on someone's behalf is disgraceful, unless his Mum gave permission. Phone the local social services office and see if his Mum gets any help from them. If you want to e mail me feel free to do so. Amanda x