Genealogy Chat

I think I'd ring the SS again and ask for some clarification - has she, for instance, said to the Social Worker 'I don't want to see my son' - if so, the Social Worker should relay that message to you.Client confidentiality doesn't come into it if she has made such a statement. It is quite unbelievable that no-one will give you a straight answer on this. Even a firm No, I don't want anything to do with you must be better than this muddle. Good luck and keep us informed I am sure everyone else is as involved with this story as I am. Marjorie

Hello Marjorie My sister has just told me the exact content of the message left on BIL's mobile, as well as ''We have looked into this matter but cannot reveal anything due to patient confidentiality'' They then said, ''But if you wish to write to us, please do'' Why?? He's ringing again tomorrow, as many of you have said, there may not be a happy ending here, nor even closure, but does that sound to you like things could be revealed in a letter rather than over the telephone? My head is spinning with all of it, I've been in tears, God know's what my BIL is feeling. Thank you all for sticking with me Sam

Oh Sammy. Dont get upset,,think positive,,if they have said write to us,then that is more positive than just dismissing the matter,,they may not due to patient data pro reveal any medical details but surley they can put right if his letter was written with consent,,,.and they may talk to her ..to get some resolve --.all may not be lost,, some of us do know how it feels when 'blood' family members want no contact under-any circumstances....even though they have known of your exsistance for years...

It seems to me that the SS are afraid of any legal happenings and thats why they prefer to deal through letters rather than a phone call. Letters can be evidence if this gets nasty. Keep at em Sammy xx

Sam, You don't know if they HAD contacted his Mother ....it may just be standard practice.( why did they say write to them if she had definately said no contact?) What about the GP? is that worth a try. It must all so distressing for you + BIL....I can't stop thinking about you. Keep strong, I hope there is better news tomorrow.........perhaps BIL could confirm whether or not they are acting on his mothers instructions OR just following the rules! Best wishes Ann

Has he stated that no one else will be told. That he doesn't have much contact with his father. This is just between his mother and him. That he would like to see her just once, in the presents of a third party if need be. Also add that what happened years ago was nothing to do with him, he didn't have any say in the matter, but he would like to see her even if its only the once. It was not his choice when he was a child, his choice now is to see and hopefully get to know his mother the final choice is hers. He does not blame her for what happened, what happened can't be changed but the future can given a chance. I hope the future is brighter. At least he has tried, and with luck he will be successful. So my very best wishes and I do hope everything will be resolved in his favor. Irene

Good thinking Gerri, about their suggestion to write, I too think that could be the case. Ann, you are right of course, we don't know... I think BIL has to be more prepared for tomorrow's call, ask if his mother has refused him all knowledge, or if it's standard practise. Hello Irene, you & I think alike, that is more or less what I've said to him today, to reassure the mother that it is BIL & only BIL that knows anything about this matter, only HIM that wants to meet her. I also said to say that to see her just once would be wonderful...and he could have his fingers crossed behind his back that it will develop from there. Even an initial phone call would be something Sam

Hi Sammy, I think I would not ring again, I would write a letter explaining everything he has told you. Explaining he does not want to cause trouble but just wants to see his mum. explain he has just found out where she lives and has found out she is not very well. I would also send a photocopy of the letter he received from the so called carer. He also should write a letter to her social worker, or ask if she has a social worker. Which she will have if she has a carer. Good luck to your brother-in-law, I do hope he gets to see his mum. Yours Chris

I think you are right Chris, a letter to SS would be better, and including a photocopy of the letter he received, thank you for that. Sam

Poor bloke, I do feel for him. As others have said, it may be the standard reply the SS gave. Afterall they dont know him from Adam from just a phone call. If he sends that letter with a photocopy of the carers note, may be worth him also sending something that confirms he is the son.

Hi Sam I just had a thought. To save precious time would it be possible to FAX or e-mail the Soc. Services? Regards Ann

dear smily at the moment i am allso trying to trace my biological father and if i receaved a letter like that i would not be happy or take it as a final request unless it had the two care workers to co sign his mothers signature, i work in A/E and i have had cryed when we have people in who are dying and no one to be with them,last year we had a patiant in she wanted to see her son and kept asking us to phone him the carer didnt want to know as she felt it was a waste of time and told us that this persons son was'nt interested when we managed to contact him it was to late the person died and the son DID want to know he has now filed a complaint and is sueing the carer for neglegance, all my best wishes go out to your brother in law in putting closure to this matter

Thank you Margaret. Hi Ann My sister & BIL sent an email to SS in Aberystwyth last night, as you say, they need to move quickly. He is considering a further letter to his mother, although I think they have asked that the email be printed off and a copy passed on to her, at least if SS have it, it should actually be given directly to his mother, bypassing any carers. Will let you all know, I bet they just get an automated respose to begin with, then it's Bank Holiday weekend :(

My BIL went to our local SS today, to discuss this face to face. The patient confidentiality is due a recent change in the law, it seems that prior to the change they would have taken every case on it's own merit and decided if they could reveal information. Now it's just a blanket rule, I suppose they might contact the person and ask if they may discuss their situation with a relative, but in this case even if they had asked her, it's obvious she would refuse. So, a dead end, I dont think he could take a long journey and more rejection, especially as she could be very ill. He just doen't want to upset her any more than she already is, and iI can understand that. I personally thinks it's worth another go with writing a letter. Reasuring her that he's the only one who knows where she is, no one else in his family knows he's even interested in finding his mother. Also, tug at her heartstrings, BIL has a 7yr old daughter with my sister, this woman has a grandchild. Explain that the letter from the carer has absolutely devastated him, and he's so sorry she's ill, but he still wants to meet her, and ask her please to not deprive him of that. I don't know what else to suggest, I know some of you would jump in your cars and take the risk of turning up at her door, but everyones different aren't they.... I don't think he's ruling that out completely, but he's so scared. Sam

Hi Sam I just got in..........I think your idea of another letter, explaining the facts.....+ especially mentioning the grandaughter is good. Could Soc. Services deliver it to her + make sure she got it? Did BIL consider her GP?. OR what about a minister of her church? OK , he has been rejected, I know this must be SO very hard but what has he got to lose? ALSO.....couldn't Soc. Services check up to make sure she IS being looked after properly + that she is really ill? + there's nothing sinister going on. Regards Ann x

Thanks for update Sammy,, he must be feeling awful,,,but why dont he write c/o the social services who have her details ,,asking them to forward it ..to her,,he may also like to include a 'Family photo'of himself and the ''grandaughter'',,and thank her, because if it wasnt for her,he would not have his daughter,,,and to show her what a fine person he has grown into,, it may seem like a bit of emotional blackmail but when clutching at straws anything got to be worth a go,, if he puts his letter in the same envelope, as a letter to SS asking if they would give it to her ;but not his address then they surely will have to make sure the ''Mother' gets it..as they have no return address for him,but include it on the one to his 'mother' Kay

Sammy I think the letter is a good idea but has he considered the idea that someone suggested of telephoning? It would give him (or someone) the chance to see if she answers the phone and how she sounds. If he's not wanting to phone himself them someone else could and say they were doing a college project or something on something like shopping in the area. Perhaps that way he could establish how ill she is. Still can't understand this 'new' patient confidentiallity business. My nana is in Glos which is I believe the same area as the SS people your BIL spoke to today. My mum is in NZ and just a month ago they were happily talking to her about my Nana's care. Even phoned her in the middle of the night in NZ to ask where the spare front door keys were! Regardless of whether they can discuss his mother's case or not he should ask them to investigate the letter that was sent, surely the Wales SS don't condone that sort of response. Keep going, and let us know what happens Karen

There is no telephone number, probably ex-directory. Ann, we are assuming as SS will not talk then it would be a waste of time trying to find out who her GP is, probably same patient confidentiality. SS will not confirm if BIL's mother is ill, is terminally ill, has carers, if care is adequate...or anything. They will not even confirm they have any contact with her at all. They just say they cannot discuss the matter with him His mother must have instructed them not to reveal anything, he can ask all he likes, but if they wont tell him then he's powerless. I agree it would be a good idea to send a letter via social services, if they are willing to pass it on. Sam

I wish him all the luck, Sammy. What a dreadful and tactless reply. Thank goodness he has you and your sister to help him. Glenys x

Just a wild thought, but the 'carer' mentioned that she had been in hospital when she recieved his first letter, so I assume someone (the carer?)must have taken it in to her. Would it be worth ringing the nearest hospital to where she lives and asking if she is still in the hospital 'or has she gone home now'. I have done this with an aunt who I found out had been ill and they quite helpfully told me she had been discharged.