Genealogy Chat

Good to see you back Sam, Poor BIL.......... he has no need to feel worthless. It is not HIM that she is rejecting , after 33 years of denial it is her fear of the past + the emotions connected with it that she will be rejecting. After all she doesn't know HIM. HE has no reason to feel guilty, he is the one trying to see her, making the first move. Yes he WILL feel hurt, but he certainly isn't worthless He has a loving partner + a little girl who will *love him to bits*..........Also, a SISTER in LAW who obviously cares a great deal about him! Regards, take care, Annx

I've been reading this thread with interest since it started and reading your bil's letter today brought me to tears.All I can add as an adopted person is never say never.When i made contact with my birth family 20 years ago my mother decided that she couldn't let me into her life as she hadn't told her family about me.This was devastating for me and no matter what anyone says about having your own family to love--I had a son by then --there is always a gap in your heart.I was lucky that her sister and my dad did agree to keep in touch with me and eventually 12 years!! later when her husband died she finally allowed me into her life.I have still to meet her--she's in Australia -but my jigsaw is slowly taking shape.I do wish you all the best and will be watching to see what happens.

Hi Sammy, I think the letter is wonderful! it explains his feelings at the moment, and also may make his mother feel something at the thought she has a grandchild, and after evrything that has gone on he has no ill feelings towards her. Sorry I cannot see that his desiscion is a man thing, I know that many people are saying go for it but if she is really ill this is a whole difference situation, could he cope if she took a turn for the worst because he sunddenly turned up on her doorstep, also he has taken the letter very badly what is she was to say this to his face. Still think a softly softly approach is the way to go for the moment, till you can verify some of the facts, and this letter seems perfect, a few days is not a lot of time for someone to make a life changing deciscion such as this, his mother may need a little more time. Allthough I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that her hears soon! Keep us informed on your progress we are all rooting for you all. Very Best Wishe Sheila

Hi again everyone, I know I have a HUGE following ;) A little bit of info... SKP on these boards (I will let them reveal themselves if they wish) telephoned a neighbour!!! Thought they may have over-stepped the mark, but given the present situation I don't think so, They made very casual enquiries about a ''friend they had lost touch with'' The neighbour said, she calls herself A*** (middle name),she has a dog,doesnt go out very often......had a bad accident....3 years ago.....broke leg arm etc,cant walk much..........not on phone. A bit of info I can give you all & my BIL when I see him later. Not sure what conclusions to draw from that, it doesn't sound like she's dying though, unless she also has a terminal illness.

Sammy I think the letter is perfect, and I think the idea of setting a 'cut off' for himself is very sensible - but I couln't give this up even if the letter gets no response! Still sending you all lots of positive vibes, and hoping it works out well. By the way, how was Creetown? my dad grew up there and I lived there for a while! Karen

Lovely Karen, a really quaint little village, my aunt retired there 12yrs ago.

Hi, had to add my bit, have been following this and agree with most of the replies. I think men do think differently to women and tend to let things go, but he must remember that if she really is very poorly then this may be his last chance to EVER see her. I would go there with a bunch of flowers and a card with something like 'I only wanted to meet you, love always'. If he is allowed thru the door good, if not then hand over the flowers. At least he may get the opportunity to see the carer and work out what she's like. I think it may also be worth while - if he didn't want to do that, to check with her local GP, just write saying that he had lost contact and understands she is living in the area and is poorly. He has only had this told to him by a carer and would like some kind of confirmation. I know the chances are the GP will write back saying he can't disclose the info, but there is also a chance that they will answer especially if he is the only close relative. Best of luck to you both. Linda

Sammy Been reading all the messages to you and there is just one thing that strikes me, how does anyone know that this 'carer' is an official person. My mother in law is house bound, she was supplied with a carer by SS, the woman took over her life, she convinced mother in law she was the best friend she ever had. She even threw in her job with the Council (or so she said) and went 'private' looking after mother in law full time. She got her pensions, paid her bills, you name it she did it.The only thing she 'forgot' to do was the cleaning - the house was like a pig sty. We at the time were living 250 miles away, we moved back and every time we visited, this damned woman was there,MIL wouldnt hear a word said about her 'friend'. Then mother in law broke both hips and had to go into hospital, we had to sell her house as she couldnt cope on her own when she came out, so she moved in with her brother. We got the job of clearing out her house and selling it for her, one day we went over there and the kitchen had been stripped, cooker, fridge.freezer,microwave, even the kettle, we thought she had been burgled, on speaking to her brother we discovered she had given the key to her 'carer' to take what she wanted as all her stuff had broken - all at once!As MIL was of sound mind there was nothing that could be done, we contacted Social Services and EVERYTHING came back on headed note paper.(Including this woman had been sacked for taking 'presents' off an elderly gentleman) Because of her inability to get about to sign papers etc at the solicitors when the house was sold ,my husband was given Power of Attornay, on putting the money into her account he noticed that not a penny was in there from when she had been living on her own, her total income was over 350.00 a week, she had no mortgage and only food bills mainly, plus this 'carer' to pay. Like a lot of old people she valued her independence and resents being asked where her money went, especially from her 'child' (who's 53). We spoke to the police and again nothing can be done as she is sane . As you can imagine the word 'carer' rings alarm bells whenever i hear it!! Lets face it, if your BIL's Mum has found someone like that, and we were told by police they have heard of all the furniture being sold from under an old persons nose by 'carers' then this woman is not going to want any busy bodies spoiling her fun. This neighbour sounds as if she likes a good gossip, i would go and see her, chance it, if the woman is ill i cant imagine it making her any worse, especially if the neighbour hardly see's her, she cant be that friendly with her, get her on your side, tell her a bit of the story and see where it goes from there. If she was an active person before the accident and is now housebound maybe she is suffering from depression, a visit from her long lost Son might just be the tonic she needs. Only last week i spoke to my MIL doctor over the phone, he doesnt know me from Adam but was very chatty, i know its not how they are supposed to be but not all of them stick to the law. Try it, they can only say no, you could probably get out of the neighbour who her doctor is as well, most people in an area seem to use one or two surgeries. If the accident was really bad maybe you could find a report in a local paper as well, was there anyone else in the car if thats what it was, or was she at work, she must have had some friends somewhere when she was getting out and about, maybe you could dig them out. Again this neighbour will probably remember roughly when it happened. You say BIL doesnt want to make his Mum worse if she is already ill, what about his health? The 'carer' said it had put this lady back, sounds to me like she was getting better from whatever is wrong with her. Now he has got so far how can he possibly just forget about it, 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' will haunt him for the rest of his life, whatever the husband did the mother knows it wasnt the childs fault, and speaking as a Mum i wouldnt mind betting that woman has thought about that Son all through her life. If she really doesnt want to see him then let her say it to his face, he doesnt know who the hell is writing or dictating those letters and i certainly wouldnt take the word of any 'carer' after what we went through Hope i havent spoken out of turn. There is a good caravan site at Borth just outside Aber, have a week up there, it will do BIL good to have a break, and go in with guns blazing, not prepared to be fobbed off by anyone. Maureen

Sammy, In view of it all ,,your BIL deserves a hand clap for not letting this go,,his letter is sensitive,caring,but understanding,, I am just womdering if this CARER opens her mail??and this will not get to the person its intended for,,,but hopefully is above such actions,, Please keep us posted,, Kay.

I know what you mean Maureen, my BIL has thought of so many senarios, one of them being that she has had a ''carer'' befriend her, and she was horrified to learn of Mrs H**** having a 'next of kin'! Thank you for your advice, and you have not spoken out of turn at all. Kay No, we don't know if the 2nd letter, or indeed the 1st, was opened by the person it was addressed to. The 1st letter was sent recorded delivery & BIL has tried to request the signature of the person who collected it from the post office, but you have to supply the addressee's telephone number, she's not on the 'phone! So that's the end of that, ridiculous though it sounds. The 2nd letter was entitled ''To be opened by the addressee only'' Who know's if that worked? Sam

Hi Sammy I'm still glued to this post, checking in every few hours to see if there's any news. I read your last post and was confused by your BIL not being able to get proof of signature for recorded delivery letters as my understanding off RD was different, anyway checked Royal mail and i quote: Proof of Delivery certificate with copy of recipient's signature and printed name, for £2.20* *If you need a Proof of Delivery certificate, just call our customer services team on 0845 9272 100 and ask for Proof of Delivery, quoting your Recorded item reference number. Hope this helps. Michele

Thank you Michelle I will pass that on now, he said he tried to make the request online and it wouldn't let him proceed as he could not enter a telephone number for the recipient. I thought it was a bit strange too Thanks again Sam

Hi Sammy, Just a thought if BIL mother had an accident and is house bound (hence the carer) she would not have collected the letter herself its most likely the carer did, so you still will not know if it has been passed on to her. You need to establish 2 things, firstly who this carer is and didnt she say she was 1 of 2 carers (check them out if they are sent by SS or private, and as stated in the previous comments, try her doctor he may be sympathetic if BIL explains the siutation and that he would like to see her, would the doctor think that would be detremental to her health.) He may not go into specific details but he could maybe give you some advice. Let us know if you hear anything else. Best Wishes Sheila

Hi Sammy, I've been reading with interest this whole thread from the start. I think BiL is being sensible and brave, and luckily he has good caring people around him to help him through this. I felt his letter to his mum was just right, in tone and content, but hope he does not give himself too short a cut-off point before giving up hope of a reply. We are all different, and react to things in a different way, some of us taking a lot more time than others to react (or act upon) something which is basically a bolt from the blue, as in his mum's case. She may need a lot of time to think about the situation, and likewise to think about what she might want to say in a reply. The other scenario, about the 'carer' is a strong possibility unfortunately, as of course we don't even know if letters are reaching his mum. Personally I've had a bad experience with carers. My grandad, at 86 eventually had to go into a Home. He was given a nice room, and allowed to take quite a lot of personal belongings with him from his house. To cut a long story short, every time they visited him, my parents noticed that certain items were missing, ie ornaments or gifts they had taken him on previous visits, especially the bottles of whisky they would take him each visit which seemed to disappear too rapidly. When they asked grandad about the items, he would say that one of the carers (all his best friends by now) had taken it for 'safe keeping' or that he'd wanted her to have it etc. We had our suspiscions for a long time, but without hard evidence could not act. After grandad had died and we went to clear his room, it was obvious that the carers had had a field day, there were very few things left. My parents queried this with the Management at the Home, of course, but it was an upsetting time for all of us and we (without it turning into an ugly case) didn't pursue it as we perhaps should have. The Management were quite 'off' with us, and firmly stuck by their story that the room had been locked at all times after grandad's death, as is their policy blah blah....which was a clear lie. Sadly some of the things that had disappeared were family trinkets, perhaps of sentimental value only, but things which my parents not only would have liked to keep but were entitled to have. Of course, I'm not wishing to imply that all carers are the bad guys, not in the least, but just want to point out a case where even in a recognised Home, things can happen which are out of our control. I think your BiL should pursue with social services etc - for all the reasons others have written on this thread. Finally, I wish your BiL good luck, and sincerely hope he gets a positive answer from both his mum and the authorities responsible for her care. I, like all the others following this thread, am waiting to see a happy outcome!! Sending positive thought waves ~~~~~ Karen x

Hi Sammy, I think the letter BIL sent will certainly tug at her heart-strings (if she has any, that is)! Maybe when she gets this second letter and has a chance to reflect on the contents, she may have a rethink and decide to meet her son - I certainly hope so. It doesn't sound from what the neighbour said that she is terminally ill. Maybe the carer who replied (if indeed it was the carer and not his mother) thought this would keep BIL away from her, but this has had just the reverse effect! Hoping for a happy ending to this story, Kathyx

Thank you, it's lovely to know that you are all so interested, and like me are really hoping for a happy outcome. Sheila, BIL has asked, on more than one occasion in fact, if his mother is being looked after by carers, if the ''carers'' are legitimate & SS or private. Their response? You've guessed it...... ''Due to patient confidentiality blah blah blah....'' That'll be on his mothers flippin' headstone, oops sorry, gotta laugh or else I'll cry!!

Yet again, I agree with everyone. I think BILs letter is excellent and if it doesnt tug her heartstrings then she is made of stone. I agree that there are some dodgy 'carers' out there and I would certainly DEMAND that SS tell him if they are Official Carers or not.It is many years ago now, but my GTGT Aunt had a live-in Housekeeper in the last few years of her life. My mother received a letter to say Auntie had died ( we only lived a mile away!) and by that time the house had been stripped of everything moveable.My Dad called the Police but the HK said that Auntie had not paid her any wages for months and as there was no proof Dad let it go. One thing which really doesnt ring true - if his mother is recovering from the PHYSICAL effects of an accident, how on earth can a letter have 'set her back' in her recovery? A letter, or even the shock of a letter, cannot make your bones unheal! It is probably not appropriate in this case, but I have just remembered the 'Official Solicitor' who is appointed by Social Services or a Court, to deal with the financial affairs and the personal interests etc of any person who has no-one else to deal with them. But it sounds as if Bils mother is surrounded by a ring-fence of 'Carers' - whether or not they have her best interests at heart is anybody's guess. In his position, I would want something in writing, preferably from the SS, to say that everything is above board. Personally, I wouldn't give this a cut-off point - I would go on writing and 'making a nuisance' of myself until such time as I was satisfied that it is HER OWN decision not to have contact - and I think she owes him at least a written explanation of why not. The worst that could happen is that the Police would get involved (stalking) and as awful as that sounds, at least he might get some truthful answers. To my mind, this all stinks - I hope I am wrong in a way, and that she is NOT being manipulated by anyone else. Thinking of your BIL. Marjorie

Hi Sammy, You know me from the adoptees thread, I always tend to ere on the side of caution when making contact with birth families, however, I have thought long and hard about this and now I am not so sure. Even if you find out the carers are appointed by SS then that does not mean that they do not have an ulterior motive by writing this letter (apoligies if they are legitimate). I would also have thought they would have notified a case worker assigned to BM to write this letter. Also even if you were to write another letter and receive a letter back still stating she wants no contact with your BIL you still cannot be sure if this is coming from BM. From what the neighbour says it seems more likely that she is house bound more than terminally ill , which means she is more dependant on the carers to do things for her eg. pick up recorded letters. Think you have only 2 possible options now see if the Dr or local vicar can be of help, with info, maybe the local priest can call and see how she is.........or make contact with BM direct. One thing that does puzzle me is the conflicting stories he has been told about her, I really cannot see if she was a battered wife her making contact with her husband when she had his baby, if she was so scared I think this would be the last thing she would do. If she has left after an affair maybe she feels guilt at leaving him behind and thats why she cannot face up to seeing him....only she can answer these questions, and as we all know he may never get the true version of events from her. If however, he wants to see her and try and make his peace then maybe he should go for it, but he has to be aware that he may not have the result he hoped for, but if this is better for him to put this matter to rest, he must do what he feels is right. Will be hoping for the Best for him. Wish him Well from us all. Sheila

nudge

Hi Sammy, I'm still following this too! I am amazed that BIL was told you need a phone number to check the delivery of a letter, we do this all the time at work and I have never been asked for a phone number. With regards to SS, I have recently become involved with them concerning my mother, they never asked me to prove I was any relation, I simply said I was her daughter and they speak to me quite happily regarding her care, it could be that like my Mum's carers, it is a private company contracted by SS to carry out the care needed and they don't have any records on file themselves other than care is being provided. I would be very tempted to phone SS and say the carers haven't arrived today, using a different name, from a public phone. I wish you and BIL such very good luck with this. If you don't see me back on this thread I will have overstepped the GR rules! Amanda x (Who has met her natural Mum)