General Chat

I was fine Ann thanks.
Everything went well and quickly so I had the time and opportunity to go to *the little girls room* TWICE!
Was even able to drop into a shop on the way home .... exciting???
well it is to me I have not been getting out much.

I am so grateful to you Mary for tell us that heartbreaking story
My children grew up with their own bitterness es and I feel so responsible for that.
My second husband ..Allan... is a good kind man and gave my children everything he had, but my children still suffered.
He was not their father so they resented that.
The eldest who got more from him than any of the other three including his own child ,grew up so bitter and twisted over the situation which poor Allan had nothing to do with.
I could go on and on but at the end of the story the facts would stay the same.
THEY WERE HURT.
They had to blame someone so they picked on the one person whom they saw as the intruder.
Poor Man. He gave more that their own father did.... and still he managed to take the blame for every hurt they suffered.
What hurts me most is how much they took from him knowing how they felt.
They were all three accept as 'children of the family' and they were treated so well. I thought that we were a lovely family who had all lifted ourselves up and rebuilt our family.
I have to still love them, they are my children, but they should think shame of themselves.
I understand them but I don't forgive them and I certainly don't like them for what they have done.
BUT I do understand them.
The saddest thing of all is the loving relationship they seem to have with their father now!!
Aren't we humans weird people... bless us all.
Deanna XXX

Deanna, you are so right, we think we can create one of those blended families which one saw on TV in the 60's where everything ran smoothly and all probs were solved with reasonable conversation. It must be a rare situation where that actually happens. Until you're actually together in one house, you don't realise the impact that your own upbringing, your own standards, your own sense of decency may be compromised by someone who didn't have an upbringing anything similar to yours. being a professional caregiver I suppose I thought I could fix the things I did see. I'd caution anyone entering a second relationship, especially where children are involved, to take it very slowly ( and include the children in the decision-making process). In retrospect I basically presented my kids with a 'fait accompli' - we're moving, not just to another house, but to another town, in a different type of environment (country as opposed to city), and what's more we'll have 3 new roommates, and you'll be going to a new school. Like it or lump it. Not fair to the kids, I know my grandchildren also have some of these thoughts, especially the oldest, who wants her family back (despite being angry with her Dad and his new live-in).
OK another disagreement between intellectual and emotional self. if one is surprised by an inheritance (not huge but helpful), should one do the right thing and pay debt down, OR give oneself a trip over the pond, OR take the family on a holiday, because, though the oldest is now 12 y/o, they have never,ever, been on a family holiday. All their friends have been to cottages, on road trips, been out west to see the Rockies, been east to Ann of Green Gables cottage, to Florida, to Walt Disney world etc. These precious ones have never been out of Ontario, never seen the sea. The years rush by so quickly, I fear the time when a family holiday could be taken is rapidly running out. Well I think I've convinced myself. In my brief moment of enlightenment, I've asked for 3 weeks vacation in June (in case I can fly over the pond), and another 3 weeks in July ( in case we can go down to the sea). haven't discussed debt issues with myself, it will still be there tomorrow LOL. Like dusting, what's the point, it'll only be there again tomorrow.
going out again, this time to pick up kids from school, hopefully we can be home for the evening.
Hugs all round,
Mary

Mary family holidays are nice but they only last a week or two. Your kids have love every week. That is more important. Kids now days are spoilt with expensive holiday's and gadgets but they don't grow up to be any better off for all of that.

Deanna "listening" to you and Mary certainly give one a lot to think about. I look back now to when my kids were young, and wish I had done some things differently. I was too imature when I had them. I feel I'm just starting to grasp all maner of things different. Had my mother been different I would perhaps have know how to show love years ago. Going off into deep thought now............

Mary I think it depends how big the debts are, if they keep you awake at night, if you can see your way to eventually paying them off without this extra money.

The children will enjoy a weeks holiday rather than 3 weeks. why not a simple trip to the sea for a week for them, hopefully a trip home for you, then maybe you will still have some left to pay a bit off the debts. For the sea, would you stay in Canada or go into USA? Rockport is a lovely little seaside place, not too far down from Canada on the East coast., not stayed there but been there twice it is just like Cornwall.

Glad all went well for you Deanna.

Ann
Glos

Thanks for your input Carole and Ann. Problem with going for 1 week is that it will take the best part of 2 days to drive down east. So round trip uses up 4 days, before a holiday. I think 2 weeks is prob more realistic. Now that I am working part-time I only need to take 3 days off work to have 12 days away, because of the stretch before and after the 3 days.
I so want them to experience a bit of time at the beach. Nothing fancy, just fun, we spend so much time being serious and doing the things which must be done and there is minimal time for fun. I love the sea, I've been to several spots in the USA, but when taking the kids I'd probably stay in Canada (issues with their father about the children going out o0f Canada) . We are being considered for a trip to Disney world through one of the charitable foundations who do special trips for children with long-term conditions. They would love it, but it's so expensive I wouldn't consider it on our own, unless my daughter receives help with the costs. Their father will have something to say about that if it happens LOL.

If I take a trip home I have at least 3 family members with whom I could stay, and they are really the reason for going. So apart from transportation, my costs wouldn't be sky-high. or perhaps I'll camp at Liz's house, her own house, and trim the bushes . . .
Thanks for listening to me, I know I am going on a bit at present, feel agitated since I heard that my last Auntie died in february (and I hadn't visited recently).
The pizza turned out very well, surprising, but delicious, so much better than a boughten gluten-free pizza, the kids were thrilled that they had pizza along with their friends having a pizza lunch in the classroom. Colleen is away in Kingston again tonight, she writes her last exam tomorrow, miniMary has gone with her for some "special time".
AnnG, debt keeps me awake regardless of the total amount. Of course if I paid off the VISA, I'd be able to run up more debt - NOT - I've learned my lesson. Given the current situation, debt is unavoidable, while C is in school. there is light through the tunnel, Colleen has one year left at UNi then she'll (hopefully) be working.
I've ordered myself some more violet leaves, because I must do something for me in anticipation . . . . they do my heart good. Can't be shipped till the end of May due to weather concerns.
Packed up another box today, for my friends collection for shipment to Sierra Leone, toothpaste was on sale, so I bought a case lot for her. It floored me that people must go without toothpaste as the available paste is so incredibly expensive over there. Some of my friends are also watching sales to donate tinned fish, cheese and meat etc. They apparently have a big shortage of dietary protein. We've already filled a box with dried beans, peas and soup dry mix.
I'm off to bed, so tired, except for the brain which keeps chugging along.
Night all,
Mary

Mary, have pm'd you my friend.

I am late on here tonight and very tired, did get to the cemetery and one supermarket so got pink carnations at reduced price, for my Mum's birthday today, my girl and for Chris who only had four floral tributes for his funeral last week, hopefully there were more donations for the British Heart Foundation his mum asked for. I felt very tired tho, this cold and cough is pulling me down again so came back and had a lazy evening again.
Had a very interesting chat with o.h's eldest son's girlfriend - she phoned to tell us he would be back early from his work trip to Vietnam - and I feel so much better about the situation with her and him, as she is realising how stunted his emotional growth is, same as his father's and I was able to help her learn more about his family and upbringing. She can see the lack of boundaries with him and his brother who is in America, has held him back and made him very difficult to live with sometimes, and he often speaks to her very disrespectfully and behaves unkindly to her, altho never hitting her, so she knows now that it is a family trait and she already stands up to him and says she won't be treated that way and is now sure she is dealing with it correctly and will continue to dispute his attitude towards her at times. They do care for each other a lot, and I have seen a marked difference in the older lad since he has been with her so she is definitely doing him some good and I hope it will continue, and they will be happy together. At least forewarned is forearmed tho - she had already seen how odd his mother is and had had some disagreements with the younger lad who had upset her on several occasions and then said how surprised he was that she was upset by remarks he had made. It also helps me realise it isn't so personal the way they have been with me, I always put it down to their poor upbringing in ways of manners and social attitude but to have the girlfriend comment the same, makes me feel I wasn't being picky or precious, and that my standards were ok and not over the top. I knew when I first met this lad's girlfriend she reminded me of myself 30 + years ago and I feel it even more now. She has said she would like me to visit them with o.h. next time he goes, I hadn't before as felt o.h. didn't want me to go - he has never encouraged a good relationship with me and his lads, always taking their side even when they were very rude or nasty to me so I hope now things will continue to improve so when they visit I don't feel so uncomfortable.
So much down to upbringing, and these lads didn't really stand a chance with a father who is racist and bigoted and a mother who is so wrapped up in herself, another narcisstic one?, that she has said in front of the boys she wishes she had had girls as they would have been easier to bring up. The girlfriend said she told her that wasn't true and she had been a nightmare to her mother for a short time, but o.h.'s ex never stood up to the boys or gave them boundaries, would let them walk all over her and then cry to me on the phone that she couldn't cope! She keeps saying it is because they are boys, but all young people are hard work at times, they need boundaries and to be taught right from wrong and to pay their way and not become scroungers.
it was so enlightening talking to S. and I just have to be careful now not to let anything slip out so o.h. finds out the conversation, which we agreed was just between ourselves.

Right, better catch up with some emails etc
take care all of you lovely folk,

Love
Lizxx

Can we all send special hugs and love to our Eileen, she is feeling unwell at the moment. No more details, but I think if we can all send her some love it will help give her the strength to get through whatever is bothering her. xxx

Sending love, support and hugs to Eileen, we're in your corner.

Had a busy night at work, On my way home from work there had been thunder and lightening, fog and torrential rain. I came home tired and went right to bed. The phone rang at 4am. MiniMary was away at Guide camp for the weekend. They were staying at the Scout camp just outside St Catharines, in cabins. Wasn't the area flooded, and Colleen had to go to pick Mary up so Meg went upstairs to stay with the kids.. When Colleen arrived at the camp, deep in a wood, the area was full of police and fire men. The leaders had woken the kids at 3am, told them to put on warm clothing and boots, leave all their belongings in the cabin and come up to the lodge on higher ground. The firemen put wetsuits on the kids (in case they fell in the freezing water) as they took them by BOAT from the lodge to a higher spot. All very exciting. MiniMary is most upset this am because she left her bra in the cabin LOL. (One of those ones you wear before you really need one LOL). It may be a couple of days before they can go back to reclaim their property. What a crazy life we lead. Having read a bit about the book "the Secret" I have to wonder if somehow I am attracting negativity. In actual fact, I think the overnight excitement was an adventure for the Guides and brownies.
Think positive.
I'm off to make a cuppa.
Mary

To all of you who have joined in this little chat.. don't worry too much about ANYTHING.
We an only do our best... and most of the time that will be 'wrong'. we are only human and cannot be expected to get it right all the time,
Mary, we had one family holiday and that was to his mothers... oh joy!!
The only reason I was taken at all was to baby sit... could have stayed at home for that! The sad thing was that we were (the children and I) all so excited about it.
Told you all that I was an idiot... still am, but less so. ;-0)
After I met Alla, holidays became family affairs when the children took turns to go on holiday to family with Allan. I would stay at home and treat the ones who stayed at home. Treats were never ever as big as most other children's treats but it was nice and we all just accepted that that was how it was.
The first REAL holiday we had was after the girls had left home and my eldest son was working.
We took my mother and we went to the seaside.
It was lovely and so relaxing... I did all the housework before I went and we had nothing t o do when we came back.
The children had holidays with the school sometimes. I would make arrangements with the head to pay up the fees over time.
Yes Mary... we did our best didn't we?
No one can do more... SO... why are we still suffering?

As you said Carole... a holiday is such a small part of our lives a week or two.. and what we did for our children... and you Mary are still doing... should be what we are remembered for.
Lets stop beating ourselves up over what we were not able to do and praise ourselves for what we did do.
After all... all of us... men and women... if we do it with love, that is what it is all about.
AND every mistake I made was made with good intentions and loads of love.
I would do a lot of things differently given the time over again, but then I would have 'hindsight' to help me so would you.
And MARY>>>> you darling are still doing all your love work.
You are a queen amongst women love.
See you all later.
i am making too many mistakes and am spending my time correcting everything.
Love to all.
Deanna XXXX

Just a quick response, to say Deanna, never a truer word spoken, it isn't the expensive holidays but all the little things that the kids remember, like MiniMary's exciting time at camp and in years to come you can laugh about the bra.
I will add some more later but wanted you to know I agree, we all do the best we can and you are right Deanna, we should accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative as the song goes.

love to all,
Lizxx

Beautifully said Liz.... much more eloquent than my usual long winded rambles.;-0)
And Mini Mary will indeed laugh about her bra in years to come.

Talking of bras.... when she was about 15, my second daughter was looking in a neighbours catalogue and asked if she could have a bra which she fell in love with.
It was expensive at £4, but you all know how it is... sometimes you just say yes for whatever reason.
In this case it was because everything mine had was the best I could buy for the least money.... do you all remember the days girls?
I thought, give her this one treat only £4 and such pleasure for her.
When it arrived Allan gave her the money and she ran down to collect and pay it.
She ran back up so excited to show me it and Allan looked at it and said... "£4 for that? You could have bought two corn plasters to do the same job."
Although she did not think it was funny at the time she laughed about it for years after.
She also had the last laugh. She was able to bra less when she wanted and yet breastfed her babies for at least
8 months.

I just hope to goodness that that is not something else I may have hurt her with.... well we never know do we?
No wonder we mothers get blamed for everything.... Ah well...

Eileen, see you when I see you love okay?
Deanna XXX

Eileen, sorry to hear you are unwell and hope that you will feel well enough to come on here soon. sending you lots of positive healing thoughts.

Ann
glos xxx

My bad choice of words Eileen is not unwell but rather has a lot on her mind making her down and feel unwell. Not upto posting but I hope she might be able to read up later and see how much we care

My daughter is very quiet still. We saw her ex in town yesterday and he just walked past as if he didn't know her. After eight years I was suprised at that! She has his car this week to get to work but after that it's up in the air. She took it and parked it outside his mums Saturday and his mum came out said she was sorry. Invited H in for a cup of tea. That was nice of her. He brought the car back today, parked it in our street and went. No one saw him. We didn't even know it was there until I was giving H a lift to go get it back. We drove past it and H said the cars there!

Well Mary you give us some laughs, some tears and a lovely sense of you and your lovely family once again. xxx

Deanna and Liz will agree I'm sure. Love to you both xx

Where are Alison, Claire, Betty, Colin, Carolina and Gail. Gail you have been absent too long! Hope you are not having too many problems. xxxx

Love to you all, I know I have not made a list but do think of each and everyone of you xxx

Sorry folks, I fell asleep watching the recording of the week's Eastenders so not much time on here tonight.

Deanna, I don't think you ramble and how lovely it is to see you on here again anyway, you have done so well. Have you spoken with Ray - I wondered whether to call him but not sure how he would cope and wouldn't want to upset him.

Mary, I do indeed feel as if you are closer than you really are, in distance, when you tell us your tales of the clan in Canada. Have you ever thought of trying to copy some of the things you write and putting them together somewhere for the youngsters to read many years hence, I am sure they would see the love and care in the stories and be reminded of the close family ties you have.

Carole, I really feel for your daughter, I went through something similar in my early twenties and was heartbroken, had to go home to my family and it was the time of the electricity strikes so no tv or radio on to distract me, sitting reading by torchlight to try and distract myself. I had to give up my job as I had been living in Cambridge with a person who just drove out of my life one morning after I had left for work, he had gone earlier "as usual" but went back later and took all his things and I came home to a note that evening. The heartache and hurt pride is huge, I didn't think I would ever get over him but of course I did, altho I had my father telling me no man would ever want me as I had been living with a married man. (He had left his wife for me without consulting me first and I was so overwhelmed that someone would care enough for me to do that that I went along with everything, altho I moved to Cambridge alone for several weeks to give him breathing space and time to decide for sure, he followed me there discovering my address from a friend who should have known better and he obtained work there - we were living together there for over a year and then he couldn't cope with the stress of it all from his ex as well, so gave his notice in six weeks previously, not telling me, and left)

I got my revenge by kicking the side of his precious car and leaving some wonderful dents and smashing the side window of his front door, for yes, he had gone back to the wife after 18 months.

Life deals us some funny old blows but we can be amazingly resilient and I hope H. can pick herself up from this and move on in due course. I learned a lot from the man in Cambridge and it helped make me the person I am today so cannot regret too much, altho it wasn't the wisest of choices to make lol in my defence, I was very naive and immature at the time!

take care all, hope the coming week will bring bright days and joys,
Love
Lizxxx

Extra love and hugs to Eileen. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Mary and Deanna, you have made my day with your posts, I really feel part of a family when reading all your posts.

Carole, really feel for H. It must be so hard for her, especially being ignored, that is the worst part after 8 years. Have been through similar with my youngest and I know how much you hurt for them.

I think we all make mistakes in life, we are human after all. The thing with mistakes and errors it to learn from them, and move on. We do the best we can with what we have and what we have learnt. You never stop learning and that is what (hopefully) makes us wiser as we grow older. We can look back in hindsight and say what if, until the cows come home. It will not change the past, we can make a better future.

Love and hugs to all

Gail

Sorry have not been on so much, have been reading every day. A little blue, well navy to tell the truth. Weather is changing and pain kicks in, so back on the pain meds, which I hate.

Well back to work this morning after two weeks holiday. The old habit will soon kick in! Back for second ses with cbt on Thursday. Need to fill in my paper work!

Have a good day all of you, and Gail you are right it is like a family on here. I feel that too xxx

MaxiMary has an eloquence with words that transport you to where the action is happening and I feel like I am there observing and not just reading. It gives me a feeling of being involved with what is going on. It is a great gift, Mary, of which I will never tire.

Part of my indigo mood is that a favourite Uncle had a birthday party and I was the only one not invited. From what I can understand it was either me or Brother, guess I was not the favourite niece. : {{{{

Gail

If this is a family I think of myself as the errant aunty wot went wrong years ago and has never felt any guilt about it who comes on the bus(one for Carole there) to creep in the back door and lead you all astray one by one!

Hi everyone

They cant find out what wrong with my nephew and isnt doing very good, heard from my sister last nite and she said he is on a drip and cant sit up as to pain full, then his BP keeps going very low, then sky high. having more scans today and maybe sent to another hospital. There is still a bleed in his brain. Just wish thy would find out whats wrong and sort it out.

Then over weekend my uncle had a stroke. He doing find only a mild one.

No news on my exchange yet. I am getting fed up with living out of a suit case. But just hate being in Milton Keynes

Will keep you up dated on any news.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) to all that needs them

Treehunter, Hope things improve for your nephew very soon.

Sharron, errant or not, can I please adopt you????

Gail