General Chat

I have been following that thread on tips OC. Decided not to add to it. I think the advice given to them was well meant and I think everyone was just concerned that they were sure what they were doing. Can be a very emotional time though and maybe that is why Tara replied as she did.xx

Of all the sorts of sites on the internet, you would think that this site GR is the one that truly understands that life is too short for squabbling, petty behaviour and conforming to other people's opinion's, we are individuals after all. We are all our own person all on our own quest's and come to site's like this to find living and passed over relatives and to hopefully communicate with other members for advice which is honest and trustworthy. If we can't come here for that what is the point of this site. I certainly don''t want to upset anyone and completely understand people trying to keep an 'order' on the boards. Its just a shame the 'order' is 'us' and 'them'.

Ok holden i think you are cause iv been o here 3/4hr and already this has got to me, i was thinking ok a new day and all that. this is some of the things typed in my tips thread to me by other members.... ''We would encourage you to think carefully before posting personal details on any of the public areas of our site. '' Tara you may like to give some thought to what Ross might feel if father has gone on and had a subsequent family ( which he went on to raise) I'm not sure if you realise what we are trying to say to you about discretion and concern for others.............you still have Ross's father's name in your message. It is his privacy and peace of mind we are concerned with............you've said that Ross knows what you're trying to do, and we accept that. But please remove the other name from your message.............. With the best will in the world, none of us are mindreaders! We couldnt possibly know from your first message that you had thought all this out. Believe me, there are LOTS of people who come on these boards with the same sort of quest as you, who havent thought one minute beyond finding the person they are looking for. Everyone who has posted a reply to your thread is anxious to know that A. You are an adult (and not a 13 year old girl with a grudge) and B. You have some idea of the pitfalls you may encounter. C. You are not going to phone him at 3.30 in the morning shouting Hiya Dad, its me. All i asked for was advice on typing a letter to a could be long lost father to ross, that was it, that was all i asked advice for....We know what were doing and people shouldnt assume things about us. I never did once with any member that replied and i thanked you all and apologised as not to cause offence to you all because i typed in my fiance long lost fathers name.

Sorry , Tara seems to have deleted her thread, Tara all those bits of info are really needed before such a time as we can make a judgement as to what you might write, In the letter. people are NOT picking you to pieces, being judgemental or anything else. The reason that GR ask not to post the names of living people are many and varied, but consider this; You are the subsequent daughter of that man, you know nothing about your dads past life, and you see on a web site, the fact that he had a son, that he never told you about. Someone called Tara has just nblown your whole world apart! If you really HAD thought that thru' you'd never have put his name, we didnt need it, and all people asked of you was to remove it The one thing that hasn't been said, and i was going to say before you deleted the thread- was it is ESSENTIAL that the letter come from Ross , not you, jess ''We would encourage you to think carefully before posting personal details on any of the public areas of our site. ''<<THAT IS A GR RULE

Jess I am not the daughter of this man. I am the fiance of his long lost son, Ross. Ross has asked me to do search for him and send the letter. Ross knows exactly what's being said and trust's me. After all we are engaged and marrying next year. We both except all the advice been given. Just not the patronising and do we know what were doing. I was asked about the situation and by own admission made the mistake of typing the details for all to see. And i deleted the details of after being asked to by Reg.

My question was not to see how where going about our search but what to put in the letter. That was it. Somehow its esculated into she said /he said. We don't want this can you please stop posting comments on it now. Thank you

Then we'll say no more Tara. You are obviously not taking on board the coments so best left. What you put in the letter depends on so much. Its not about trust....its about taking a journey, a journey only the person themselves can take, however much you love and trust each other.

After reading all of this thread,the mind boggles,the world is full of good intentions and misunderstandings,people try to help only to got told off. so why not all start again from scratch and sing,'Here We Are Again Happy as can be,All good Pals and JOLLY GOOD COMPANY'.It would be nice if everything was kept Lighthearted. Hal. Smile Please,:o))))))))))))))))))>and that means everybody.xx.

Hello Jess This is Ross. I got in from work and read todays post's about myself and my father. This is about trust, very much so in my mind. My fiance Tara is searching and finding the details on my behalf. This is a journey we are both taking togeather. Tara has been the best part of my life and is my family togeather with our daughter Isabella. Please do not pop at her she is only human and we all make mistakes. Thanks. Ross

I have only just come on the boards today and am already quite shocked at some of the comments made on this thread. I am in nobody's camp - if I want to reply to a thread, I do, if I don't want to reply I keep away. I see nothing wrong in anybody pointing out the opposite point of view. However, to do so in an intimidating, rude or personal manner, is, in my view, unacceptable. I think we should we all remember that if we claim it's okay for us to point out an alternative stance, then it is also okay for others to do the same thing about comments we have made. There is no reason why people shouldn't add their opinions - the problem is, too often a 'personal opinion' becomes 'personal' rather than 'opinion' Jay

Tara I really don't know what to say to you. You have so completely misunderstood other people's intentions that I don't think there is much point in carrying on any dialogue, other than to say that I am horrified to think that I have personally done something to upset another human being - that is not who I am, nor what I am about. I am going to think VERY carefully about posting on threads which ask for advice and opinions in future. OC

Ross No one was having a pop at Tara and I am sorry if it appears to be that way. What do you think we should have done - left your father's name on full view, which is against the rules of this Site AND could potentially be extremely counterproductive in what you are wishing to do. Many people who answered Taras's thread have PERSONAL experience of what you are trying to do - one false move and it all goes pear-shaped. You could read Jess's excellent threads on Adoption issues - yes, I know you are not adopted, but the reunion thing is relevant to your situation. I sincerely wish you a happy outcome to your search - as does everyone else who replied to Tara's thread. OC

Hello Holden I have read all of the rules word for word and the guidelines for message board use. In the terms and conditions it says as follows: 'Members must have, and continue to have, the express permission of any living person to include their details in a family tree. If a living person does not expressly consent to its details in a family tree, relevant details must be removed. Members are the controllers of the information they input relating to living persons, and therefore have obligations under the privacy and data protection laws (such as the Data Protection Act 1998). Genes Reunited may remove all or part of a family tree if so required by any affected third parties or by any governmental or regulatory authority.' It doesnt say anywhere throughout the whole terms and conditions and guidelines that you cannot type the person name and details you are looking for on the board. All it says is you cannot have the living persons name and details on your family tree!! Which Tara has taken off our family tree. So you may want to read up on your rules as they seem to be different from Genes Reunited. Ross

Ross, May I respectfully point out to you that 'Holden' is actually the surname of the member you are addressing. I consider it rude of you to call her by this name. I also see that you are posting messages using Tara's name. As you have read the t & c so thoroughly, you must have noticed the following: “You' or 'your' means a registered user of at least 16 years of age. If you are a registered user, why are you not using your own membership name? Janet

Why is everyone picking on Tara and Ross?? This is exactly the type of thing which puts people off posting! Linda

Linda, I do not believe anyone is 'picking' on Tara and Ross. In fact, people have gone out of their way to help them. This is now returning to the 'he said she said 'theme that Bev started this thread with. In fact nothing has been sorted out. Let us try and make this a happy Friday, just for a change:-) BC XX

I wasnt going to bother posting on this thread but I will now. I feel responsible for this latest one. Ross, nobody was having a go at you or Tara, and I am sure I can speak for everyone when I say I wish you success in finding your father and that it has a happy outcome. I feel responsible for this because I pointed Tara in the direction of the tips board, knowing that OC (as we call her) and Jess will be the best and most experienced people to give an honest and fair reply to your questions. Honesty is what you got, and fairness is what you got. It may not be stated in the GR rules about adding living persons names to any messages that are posted in here, but it is general internet etiquette not to, as some can take those details and abuse them. It wasn't directed as a criticism at either you or Tara, it was meant as friendly advice. I don't know about OC, but I do know that Jess is going through a very very difficult time right now, yet she continues to help others, which I can only find admirable. If she sounds a little blunt in her words, please know she doesn't mean it. (enough said, I know Jess can speak for herself) Now, can we let the subject drop and lets continue letting people help you. It's ok to question what they say, but remember, they know the possible pitfalls of situations just like yours, we see it on here most weeks. Happily the majority do have a happy ending and this is what we all hope for you too. Keep us up to date with what is happening. It's good to find out.

Linda Not picking on Tara and Ross. I thought that Tara and I had sorted out this misunderstanding on Tips last night. So I was extremely taken aback to find that she had posted today on this thread, on this thread which started off about the lunatic fringe on the General Board. I have PM'd Bev, the originator, and asked her if she wants me to remove my postings from this thread - I don't want to do that off my own back (although I feel like it) because it will then make Tara and Ross's postings look odd, to say the least. (Under this box, Add Message, it says Please do not post anything here which may offend, INFRINGE ANYONE'S RIGHTS etc - Ross's father has a RIGHT not to have his name on these Boards) OC

bev i am with you on this. i havent added to many threads lately. i joined in 2003 and it was wonderful.we all got on with each other. im sick to death of all the childish behavour of all the newbies who are just out to cause mayhem. a few years ago i was accused of being in the clique with several other members. we were innocent victims. some people find it funny and enjoyable to cause trouble,well i dont!! lifes too short to argue. by the way bev,have you noticed that not many of the original members post now? lol i wonder why? love susie

*Helpfully. Is this maybe a good time to join hands and sing....IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS??????? LOL BC