General Chat

Allan was still smarting from being classified as a drone by Border Security.

Yes his wife was queen bee, but there was no need to insinuate that he was stingless and produced no honey.

That last particularly stung him as he was still suffering from hearing difficulties from the flight and thought that he was being accused of producing no money!

Ridiculous!

It was only a few years ago that he made big money.

In fact he spent a few months in prison as he made notes which were two inches too big.

Still that was in the past.

Now, here he was back in the UK

Allan and OH decided to go for a train journey to see the countryside of his youth.....he was dismayed to hear there was a threat of bad weather and this would cancel all trains until Spring....what to do......the broomstick was being recharged after it's long journey only other thing they could do was hire a Tandem .....

...on the way t the hire shop Allan was lucky to bump into a colourfully dressedman with extraordinarily large feet who appeared to on his way back from a face painting party.
Allan was so happy when this kind man offered to lend Allan (no charge) his favourite work tandem.

Allan warily mounted the bike.

At least, he thought, it wasn't one of those cars that only go for a few yards before the doors blow off, the bonnet flies up and sixteen other people, all called Joe King, scramble out.

Boy, was he in for a surprise!

As he climbed on the bike Allan was feeling quite Smart and Chipper..... . He looked off down the St. L.on the back. He was hoping for some Barn..s to rest in on the way.

He didn't stay feeling that way for long as there was something with the wheels - they didn't seem quite round and the seat never stayed put.

Added to that he made the mistake of joining the M25. Which we Brits know forms an outer 'Ring' road around Greater London.

Trying to remember the Highway code is not easy with big transports whizzing by and ruining your hair thought Allan....and the colourful language some were using would have made him blush if it wasn't for the windburn already on his cheeks. After pedaling for what felt like hours he decided he must be hallucinating when he saw a sign for Old MacDonalds farm near Brentwood. He decided to take a break in one of the barns........

But he realised someone had got their before them.

There was a man sitting outside holding three camels.





Which was a shame as Allan had given up smoking some chritmases beforehand.

It was enough to give anyone the hump.

Allan thought that he might try and exchange the bike for one of the camels. Those square wheels on the bike hadn't made his journey any easier.

He approached the man who wisely declined the exchange on the basis that the camels were not his but did in fact belong to three kings.

Allan knew that if he played his cards right, he still might be able to do a deal.

In the meantime a bedraggled wretch limped up to the barn.

Allan hadn't realised that his wife had fallen off the bike several miles back, he just thought that he was suffering temporary deafness

OH called him a few names that shouldn't be mentioned in polite company, then there was a blinding light and what seemed like a voice from the light.....OMG thought Allan...Barn....Kings...Bright Star voices of angels.....then he realised it was saying "This is the police no one move....drug squad".........

One of the Kings popped out of the barn to see what all the noise was about.

Seeing the police, he immediately pulled out his tongue and went "Myrrh"

This did not go done well with the cops who thought that he might be extracting the urine.

The situation was hardly helped by another king running out of the barn shouting "Pigs!"

Batons drawn, tasers ready, the police were about to charge when suddenly out of the barn raced several gigantic boars, which flattened all in their way.

Fortunately for Allan and the kings, this included most of the police.

Taking advantage of the situation Allan dragged his wife to the nearest police car.

Glimpsing inside he noticed that as usual it was a case of don't do as I do, do as I tell you. Yes, in spite of all the sage advice handed out by crime prevention officers, the keys were still in the ignition.

Allan knew his luck had really changed when he found an old map book in the glove box. Now he wouldn't have to use that navsatty thing.

He handed the map book to his OH and with her intoning 'turn around when convenient' they set off once again for Melton Mowbray.

Allan was surprised at how quickly they could navigate the motorway, particularly as the road was so congested.

He obviously had not found the switch that turned the pretty flashing lights, and the annoying siren, off.

Still, look on the bright side, he thought, there's a full tank of petrol and I should be able to get a decent trade in on this thing when we reach town

They roared along the motorway and Allan felt somewhat like royalty as people hastened to get out of the way.

"Oh the power of blue flashing lights!",
Allan thought that he might invest in some, when he at last got back home. They'd show those Aussies that he was a force to be reckoned with.
They must be readily available because he'd seen lots strung upon windows.
"Funny place to put emergency warnings, " thought Allan, but who was he to question the odd ways of the natives in his birth country.

As they headed north, OH complained that she was cold. Allan pressed a few buttons hoping to find a heater, but only succeeded in linking his getaway car to the radio back in headquarters.
He made out part of a relayed message....... "Heads will roll"... so he decided to get as far away as possible before he was followed.

Just as he started to accelerate he noticed a motorway footbridge. He couldn't believe his eyes. What he saw above him was.......

.. a sign saying to the south.

Allan was coming to realise that when he had handed the map book to his OH he had held it is such a way that it was upside down when his O H received it.

What to do what to do......then as luck would have it he saw a slip road and quickly turned around......as he reentered the motorway who should be illegally hitchhiking but the young lady with the lovely bunch of coconuts....she gets around thought Allan not shy at all.......

Ouch thought Allan as he was struck with the map book.

My OH must have hit me harder than usual as I am seeing more coloured lights than expected.

LOL can't even remember exactly what I wrote to be RR'd I think the young lady with the lovely bunch of coconuts not being shy........

(that’s about right - she was standing by the roadside.

What a spoilsport)

Allan was by now struggling to understand why his OH had bashed him with th map book.

But those lights were getting brighter....

It's that angel again he thought...no hang on it's the police helicopter.....where's an escape route when you want it.....oh look Windsor castle might be able to hide in there.....