General Chat

"Ah the Honeymoon capital of the World" OH declared when she heard Allans suggestion......"horror of horrors" thought Allan.......but it was too late the sparkle in her eyes and his sparkly tighter than tight tights were enough to get her going let alone his Joseph coat........onwards to the falls....

Allan wisely decided the Canadian side WAS far superior to the American so planned his trip accordingly. What Allan hadn't calculated was quite how cold the exposed falls were at this time of year.....as most would know the falls make a lot of spray and that falling onto cold surfaces makes ice....Allan later told the story thus

"I was dodging OH millionth grab of my rear when I lost my footing on an icy patch, went head first over the alarmingly low railings flying over the ridiculously small patch of land and tumbled down into the water.......but not before a seagull pooped on my head.......once in the water......very cold water I might add....I was quickly rescued by the Maid of the Mist boat....which used to work both sides but now only works the American side......and that officer is how I landed up on American soil without any paperwork which is in my OH enormous handbag in Canada........why are you laughing surely you've seen sparkly tights before....I know I know but OH insisted I carry on wearing them........and what do you mean you'll need to give me a full body search??".......

We don't have budgie smugglers in America so we need to check, if you could just remove your tights Sir.Allan thought thank God I'm wearing the long johns OH knitted for me.......

Trouble was knitted long johns are similar to knitted swimsuits....best not worn when wet...so between that and the tighter than tight sparkly tights it took some time to take them off....Allan was pretty sure they shouldn't have been sniggering and filming him and had visions of Youtube hits in his future......finally they were satisfied he wasn't smuggling anything budgie or otherwise....then they tried to establish his motive for falling into the falls.....

OH in the meantime was experiencing all of the delights of the falls she knew Allan was a big boy and could take care of himself she'd seen him pulled into the boat.....after all he had his knitted long johns on what could go wrong.......

So there was Allan in dubious clothes in one country, while OH had all the family identity papers and was in another country.... Not a good situation, as Allan envisaged having to explain his predicament many times once he left this initial group of officials.

He decided to sit it out, as surely his wife would send a rescue party for him.

She meanwhile was having a great time.
Rick O'Shea, true to his name, had stayed around and was back by her side, constantly.
Allan wasn't keen on his recurring presence and suddenly another worry crossed his mind. His wife had documents for herself and a husband.
Surely she wouldn't leave Allan to the American authorities and try to pass Rick off as Allan would she?

Rumours started t float around on the Canadian side of the border.
Allan,s Oh was looking forward to updates from Border Security USA.

Rick and OH had a fabulous time snuggling up...just to keep warm you understand.
Allan meanwhile spent a very long time explaining that whilst he claimed to be from Australia he didn't know anyone called Crocodile Dundee and yes his accent was more By 'eck than G'day......suddenly one officer came into the room and announced he could leave but he'd have to walk back across the bridge as it was time for their coffee break.
Allan not one to look a gift horse in the mouth was halfway across the bridge before they'd even poured the coffee. At that point he caught a glance of Rick and OH on the Hornblower boat all snuggled up to keep warm still......his blood boiled.....revenge he thought but how.......

... how long will it take him to make up his mind.
Allan has spent over 24 hours dithering mid bridge.

So, should he stay or should he go......

Time seemed to stand still but no it had been forever....

Allan saw a way...

He got a taxi to the helicopter tours, jumped on board and got them to swoop down to the Hornblower, grabbed OH whilst pushing Rick overboard...he was a drip a little more water wouldn't hurt him let the Rapids sort him out.....on landing OH gazed lovingly at Allan....Honeymoon capital and all....oh no thought Allan...what have I done now.....

.. the very least she'll be expecting is a box of Cadburys Milk Tray. She always seemed to enjoy watching the Milk tray man deliver his chocolates.

Now, where I can buy some...

except Allan wasn't dressed like the milk tray man more like a crazy circus man....Allan of course didn't say that....no......he said....
"Honey the last thing you need is a box of Milk tray...with those hips and all".....that's the last thing he remembers saying....when he woke up he found he was in a box and it sounded like an engine.....unknown to him Rick had appeared with as luck would have it a box of Milk tray....just as OH knocked Allan out....now they were in the plane going to the Grand Canyon.....Allan was in the hold boxed up.......what were they up to.......

Seems they were air mailing him back to his physiatrist 's couch to sort out another of Allan's alter egos. I wonder who it will be?........

Of course, we all know Allan is an old school man and doesn't hold with all this touchy-feely laying on the couch rubbish.....feelings should be hidden and not shared just like tighter than tight tights sparkly or otherwise. Allan tried to get out of the box and as luck would have it at the falls he'd bought himself a pocket-sized swiss army knife with a very tasteful picture of the falls on it, and was soon out of the box.....now what to do....

Allan's previous experience of flight did not include actually manning the controls and anyway he didn't know whether the crew were friend or foe.... and there were more of them than he felt ready to take on.

"I'll just have to amaze them and win them over", thought Allan, fearful that he was flying into a situation out of his control.

"I know what I'll do".

Allan decided the truth was the best way to go forward......so he started to explain the whole sorry affair......the crew listened and then laughed....it's those tighter than tight tights again thought Allan they are always my downfall. Anyway they felt kinda sorry for this poor man sitting there so agreed to let him stay hidden until they got to their destination......meanwhile Rick and OH weren't so happy.....Rick kept taking OH favourite chocolates until finally she could take it no more and.......

Finally had a chocolate meltdown ramming a fistful of chocolate into Rik's face and left taking the remaining chocolates and moved nearer to the cockpit in case she needed ........

..
To stick the needle in.







Well Alan had been wearing those sparkly tights a long time and little holes were appearing. She didn’t,t want ladders starting - as they might give Allan a way out!

Meanwhile, Allan, after a bit of rummaging around, found a parachute. Hoping it wasn’t the one he’d seen on eBay advertised as ‘only used once, never been opened’ he quickly donned it and opened the plane’s rear door.

With a leap of faith, mixed with a fair amount of terror, he stepped into the void.

Glancing back at the plane the last thing that he saw was his wife’s face with an expression of amazement and at her side what appeared to be a life sized chocolate bar.

Now to say that Allan hadn’t thought this through is akin to asking if the Pope goes to Church every Sunday.

As the ‘chute deployed, Allan looked down at an expanse of blue.

Was it the Pacific Ocean? The Atlantic Ocean? He was clueless (as always)

He hit the water pretty hard and was wondering, even wandering, in which direction to swim when suddenly a mighty turbulence erupted on the water’s surface and a mammoth black shape arose from the depths.

It was a submarine

(Now I should explain that many authors of fiction use stories within the main story, or little sideways steps away from the main events to create a bit more tension. These are known as subplots. Which is precisely what this is ;-) :-))

The hatch on the conning tower opened and a person in Naval uniform looked down at Allan and said in a crisp British Accent “I say, old bean, do you know the way to England?”

Resisting the urge to reply “No, I’m a stranger here myself” Allan seized the opportunity to cadge a lift.

“If you could give me a lift, I could give you directions” Allan lied through his teeth.

“Righto,” said the captain , “Hop on board"

After Allan hopped on board the first thought that crossed his mind was....submarine....tighter than tight tights....good idea???
Then as the hatch was closed and he noticed no windows he discovered something new about himself, and they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, he suffered from claustrophobia......
How to overcome this.......hmmmm...I know.....Oh Captain old chap.....I'm afraid the only way I can direct you is from up there outside.....unfortunately that's what he wanted to say but what he actually said was "ahhhhhhhh....walls moving in.....dying......blackness..."............

The captain had Allan dispatched to the sick bay and kept under surveillance , ....

Allan regained consciousness to the unholy sight of a sailor not so much looming over him, rather more leering at him

"Well hello, Ducky. How are we feeling now? By the way I'm the Bosun's Mate."

There was something about the emphasis on the word 'mate' that made Allan shudder.

"Better, thank you." Allan replied, "What happened?"

"You passed out," the Bosun's Mate explained, "t seems your tights, which by the way were an exquisite shade of green, were just a little too tight and cut your circulation off."

"Were?" queried Allan

"Yes Ducky. I had to cut them off to restore your circulation. And now that you're feeling better the Captain wants to see you"

"But I've nothing to wear." Allan pointed out

"Don't worry," said the Bosun's Mate, "Most of the crew chipped in with the odd bit of surplus uniform. The only one we didn't ask was the sub lieutenant. She would have offered you something, but after those tights we thought that you might want a change from ladies underwear"