General Chat

it would save on the cost of a funeral.

Eldrick approached Nanny and decided that the direct approach would be best. So taking his courage, as well as his neeps, in both hands, he coughed to get her attention.

As she turned her rheumy to his he asked, "Nanny, just who is my father?"

Nanny didn't reply but merely sighed deeply and started fumbling in her blouse. Having found what she wanted she removed it (the object, not the blouse!) and showed Eldrick the

A bit of grubby paper as she handed it to him .the silly woman set fire to it so now

Eldrick threw himself at the burning paper, and missed. He was saved from crashing onto the hard flagstones by the fact that the midden hadn't yet been mucked out.

As he arose from the mire looking like the creature from the Black Lagoon, Nanny recoiled.

Whilst in poetry lums may reek, Eldrick's neeps were doing a fair impression of the same. In fact it wasn't just his neeps : his whole person was rank.

In any event, Eldrick's efforts had been not only in vain but also an act of total stupidity as Nanny had only been going to roll one of her own cigarettes and in her befuddled state forgot to put any actual tobacco in the paper.

Through scorched and cracked lips she whispered to Eldrick "You daft bu**er! Iwas going to......."

offer you me last roll up,now its wasted.She drew herself up to her full height of 3ft 10,and bit him on a very mucky knee.Eldrick went crashing to the floor and was a very pittyful sight to behold.Nanny turned to him and giggled,saying................................

I've got you where II want you at my mercy
Your gonna pay for all the years you

woud'na let me lums reek, yee slimy piece of bogshote"

Eldrick fell to the ground screaming "Ma knee's the root of all evil"

[ (think about it!)]

Nanny loomed over him, scythe in hand, and with a malicious chuckle she

said "You want to know who your father is? well prepare yourself for a shock - it was Father O'Shaungnessy from the monastery up the road" and with that she fell backwards into the mire - Eldrick, through his pain and misery

He staggered back to the house to drown his sorrows he opened a

bottle of Bushmills and a bottle of Kilkenny and made himself an "O'Shaungnessy Special" (Father O'Shaugnessy had taught all the altar boys how to make them), and got totally scuttered

He dreamed.......... about Irish Kings........ particularly a red-nosed King named O'Shaungnessy .....................the dreams became more disturbing......... Irish Kings and horses.......... why did Dobbin (his faithful old horse) keep appearing?

He woke up with a start....... finished what he was thinking.... went to sleep again, and woke up with another start........

Oh My G**!! Now I remember.............

when I used to help out in the monastery gardens Father O'Shaugnessy ws always very kind to me - so could it be true - that he is my father? Pondering n this and not knowing how he felt about it, a mionk for a father, he

Decided to contact the Pope,and ask about his inheritance,(The Vatican) and would he be able to pay VAT at a `lower rate as he owned Vatican City.But the Pope said

"on yer bike kid" - in Latin of course, [omni et bicratum] and left Eldrick alone and penniless in Italy - how to gt back home now - well

He decided to nick the "Popemobile" but had problems getting a driver but along came a getaway driver for the Mafia, who needed to get to the Uk. as he had inherited an Icecream Parlour in Glagow as long as he invented a new flavoured Icecream which was

pizza flavoured - the sped through the streets of Vatican City with Eldrick clinging to the side of the vehicle and screeched to a stop at Marco Polo airport - now how to get on the plane - but the Mafia man was cunning and he knew that

If he tied his neeps to the bumper bar and added a large Haggis to it he could get to glasgow without flying and keep the new flavour a secret so that his inheritance would be safe and he hated flying anyway so the problem was almost solved he just had to find a way to

go by sea, but they only had gondolas in Venice - they would be no good and anyway, he knew not how to propel one, so it had to be a cargo ship - he went to the docks and found a likely looking vessel and signed on as a deck hand - half way to England he

thought he had seen an apparition on board of the 3ft 10inch Granny Mo
Oh no he screamed as he decided whether or no to

jump ship, but it was a long swim to shore and he couldnlt swim anyway- he'd wait until they reached Gibraltar and then he'd

monkey around a bit and then afterwards he'd go and get

some false identification papers, and a sense of urgency, and try to enter Spain and thence to England, home and beauty!

He would travel to Scotland later

He arrived at the Spanish Border just as it started to rain. This caused the arthritis in his neeps to flare up. "the rain in Spain calls on pain" he thought to himself.

So, armed with his new papers he manfully limped up to the Border Office.

However, it was not only the Border Guards waiting to meet him but also