General Chat

Never tempt a woman!!!!


A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good , thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!'

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman.

> Subject: Fw: Chinese Sick Leave
>
> I NO COME WOK TODAY!'
>
>
>
>
>
> Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today,
>
> I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
>
> The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
>
> When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
>
> That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
>
> and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

I was outside the Body Shop in town yesterday - I shouted through the door "Shan't come in - I've already got one"

LOL who is this pilgrim father? and where has he been hiding, all this time, what a thread.......
georgeous!!

Bob

enjoyed this

Thank you Bob and Elizabeth.

I spent the whole of my childhood covered in cream with a cherry on my head.

I tell you - it was tough in the gateaux!!!!



Andy. who was unemployed got a part time job on the Glorious 12th Grouse Shoot as a beater. He wanted to impress so when the head gamekeeper said that he wanted a volunteer for a rather difficult copse full of prickles and thorns he said "I'm game." - and someone shot him!!!!

COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the
Man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Learn from your elders


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep

A Cardiologists Funeral



A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.



A huge heart..covered in flowers stood behind the coffin.

All the other Doctors sat in awe during the service.



Following the eulogy, the heart opened, the coffin moved insde and then the heart closed again completely hiding the coffin as if it had been engulfed by the heart forever.



At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When everyone was staring at him in disbelief, he said ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynaecologist!



The priest fainted

A golfers tale


A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.

One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club.

She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.

She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college, and I
was pretty good.

Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other.

Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.

Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to
15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes, but said okay..

She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round.

She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.

Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round,

Despite playing with her off-hand.

They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant, and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up..

They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire
to beat her.

The third week the guys had their game faces on.

But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.

This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

This woman was a riddle -no one could figure out.

They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her
point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.

"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.

I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit.

Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him.

If his penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed;

If it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical..

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,

"But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!"

A Lovely Story About My wife


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or nag!










But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.


THE END.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
>
>
> Doctor: "What happened?"
>
> Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
>
> Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
>
> Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
> When your husband comes home drunk,
> just take a glass of sweet tea and start
> swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
> swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
>
> Two weeks later the woman comes
> back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
>
> Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
> Every time my husband came home drunk, I
> swished with sweet tea. I swished
> and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
>
> Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.


"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."


She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :


My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I valueyou as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:




My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes

Subj: Naughty

I went to bed with my new girlfriend yesterday.
She said I had the biggest willy in the world.

'Go on,' I replied. 'You're pulling my leg.'

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.

After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

A blonde nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank clerk, and without missing a beat, says:
'Great .... some arsehole's got my pen!'

Will Not Tell a Lie
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained.

"Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully. The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

The Nun and the Priest...


A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.


After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
after a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"


"Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."


"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."


The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"


She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?"


"Yes, Sister?"


"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"


"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.


"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.


"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"


"Yes, it is, Sister."


"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell ou