General Chat

A 90yr old man went to see his GP and said: "Doctor, my wife, who is
18, is expecting a baby."

The doctor shook his head and said: "Let me tell you a story. A man
went hunting, but instead of a gun he picked up an umbrella by mistake.
While he was in the woods a bear charged at him, so he pointed his
umbrella at the bear, shot at it and killed it on the spot."

Now the old man shook his head. "That's impossible," he declared.
Somebody else must have killed the bear."

"Exactly my point," replied the doctor.

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"


"Your horse phoned."

THE REPORT CARD

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," ! the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.


The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the! little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it. "

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really?
And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Subject: : My next life, a better way to go

BOY DO I AGREE WITH THIS I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"





The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage.
The salary is £100,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshi**in' me! "




The social worker said, " Yeah, well . ... but you started it!!"

The Cremated Husband



Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Frank, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Frank, Remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in

The Ashes she said, "Frank, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, With the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,

"Frank, remember that blow job I promised you?"






"Here it comes"

When Beethoven died, he was buried in a local churchyard.
A couple of days later, a man was walking through the cemetery when he heard strange noises coming from where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, he ran and got the Priest. The Priest bent close to the grave and heard faint, unrecognisable music.
The Priest ran and got the Town Magistrate who listened for a moment, and then said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, BUT being played backwards!"
He listened a little longer, and, "There's the Eighth, and it's backwards, too."
He kept listening. "There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ... all backwards."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the Town Magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery...
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's Beethoven decomposing."

Long time submitting new jokes - but here's a start for 2008. Thanks Caz.

A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)


'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
>
> From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
>
> So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.
> The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
> The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
" So the husband, after some adgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his f eet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
>
> The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!"....

From Caz

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our tea.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my tea.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the tea.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... 'HEBREWS'




The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.





God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke...... And well worth the wait !!!!


An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too ..

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

it's a good un.........PMSL

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about 'Oral Sex':
a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that . in case I need to fix it again?'

Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?


Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than that crap about the rib?

A primary School Teacher faced her new class after the Xmas Holidays and thought it a good idea to ask what they had for Xmas in order to break the ice as it were and settle them in. She asked a little girl what she had for Xmas. The little girl answered “Please Miss, I had a bow-wow.”
The Teacher was quite annoyed by the answer and in no uncertain terms explained to the class that Baby Talk was not to be tolerated now that they were in a big school and must answer accordingly.
She asked the little girl again and was given the reply “Please Miss, I had a puppy for Xmas.” That’s fine said the teacher. She next asked a little boy what he had for Xmas and he answered” A choo-choo,”
Again the Teacher remonstrated to the class and explained the virtue of vocabulary and the need to drop baby talk as they progressed through life. She asked the little boy again and he said ”An electric train set , Miss!”
Good she said and turned to another little boy and asked him what he had for Xmas. “A book” he replied. The teacher smiled and asked if he knew the name of the book. The little boys face grimaced in struggled thought and his little forehead was creased with anxiety. Eventually his face brightened and with a beaming smile answered “Winnie the sh*t” Miss.

Thank you Caz!

> They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
> Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
> actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
> church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water." The sermon
> tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the
King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
--------------------------------- -------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in
the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan Last Sunday: "I Upped my Pledge, Up yours!"

An older
lady gets pulled over for speeding...



Older Woman:
Is there a problem, Officer?



Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.



Older Woman: Oh, I see.



Officer: Can I see your license please?



Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.



Officer: Don't have one?



Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.



Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.



Older Woman: I can't do that.



Officer: Why not?



Older Woman: I stole this car.



Officer: Stole it?



Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.



Officer: You what?



Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see



The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs
away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes
5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.



Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.



Older woman: Is there a problem sir?



Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.



Older Woman: Murdered the owner?



Officer 2: Yes, could you please o pen the trunk of your car, please.



The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.



Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?



Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.



Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.



The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.



The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.



Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.



Older Woman:
Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.



Don't Mess
With Old Ladies