General Chat

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
"Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed



"I meant my dress size, you ...... twit"


The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.







A son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your
friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son says, "Thank you, Mum," and goes off to double-check
this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."

From Caz Nr Heathrow.


6 reasons not to mess with children.

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it
ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two ar* seholes."

"What............., he had two ar * seholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two ar* seholes....'"

************************************************************************

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


************************************************************************
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you b*stard, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"


************************************************************************

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."


Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"


************************************************************************

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another
beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks
for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks
good enough, I'll go home."

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."


"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...



Ees..........




Ees...






Ees.........





Ees....





... Eees a Ham Bush

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a
bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls
you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling
for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl
calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all
the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long
graceful legs You know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you
to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should
be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I
really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all
night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip
cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that
sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic ......... ........... but for an outside line you need to press 9." ____________________________________________________

I met an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
Probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh.' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.I went back to her place.
We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake'?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Today, take time, or rather make time for what’s really important in your life. Remember to share a smile, give a hug, hold the door open for another person, be courteous when driving, call someone you haven’t talked to for awhile, write a letter to a loved one, and tell those close to you that you love them. Life is too short to go around living it with anger or hatred.

Take Time - A Poem With So Much Meaning
TAKE TIME

Take time to think - It is the source of all power

Take time to read - It is the foundation of all wisdom

Take time to play - It is the source of perpetual youth

Take time to be quiet - It is the opportunity to seek God

Take time to be aware - It is the opportunity to help others

Take time to love and be loved - It is God’s greatest gift

Take time to laugh - It is the music of the soul

Take time to be friendly - It is the road to happiness

Take time to dream - It is what the future is made of

Take time to pray - It is the greatest power on earth

Take time to give - It is too short a day to be selfish

Take time to work - It is the price of success

Author Unknown

Gems from Caz!

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

13) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

 duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.
""What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the
local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to....."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.

Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed and sometimes the living room floor is fun!!. You can really spread out there!!."

"Bathtub!, living room floor!? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And, these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too!.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just hadto pack it all in!!."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, ?uh...equipment?"

"It's ?true, Ma'am, yes..... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"!!!

"Oh ?yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

At which point, Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!!!

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out .

'I thought I told you to call your Mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
the man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."

The other day I left the Golf Course at Chilworth making my way home after a game and I passed the village church. Going around the church were these pall-bearers carrying a coffin - I took a quick glance and carried on my way.
On arrival home I realized that I had left my golf clubs behind, so hot footed I motored back to collect them.
Upon passing the church again I noticed the same pall-bearers walking around the church. I stopped the car and got out, so intrigued that I had to enquire what the problem was.
“Are you alright?” I asked them -
“Not really” said one of them.
“What’s the problem?” I asked




Wait for it!













“Well” he said - "We’ve lost the plot!!!!!”

From the "Civil Service Pensioner"
Country Wisdom

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you can run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stumps.

A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folk are doing, look at their barns and not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers , bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.

Two can live as cheaply as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner someone meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers and weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you walk with pigs expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff peolpe worry about never happen.

Airport Incident.

A man was arrested yesterday at London Airport in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a caculator.
He was believed to be a member of the Al Gebra movement carrying weapons of maths instruction.

BLONDES!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'

Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. '
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need! '
Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

And that my friends is how Indians do business.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo.


Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.

Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.

'Is it all right?' asked Victoria Beckham.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'

'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'

So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.

'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss and their daughter made love to me.'

'Just what the hell did you say to them?'

'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow.'