General Chat

I drank a glass of water today :-(

Admittedly, it was diluted with whisky :-D :-D

My favourite colour is ecru

My favourite sauce is water and flour, mixed to perfection

Bland enough? :-P :-P

Don't know it's your thread, but sounds about right :-P :-P :-D

p.s. pass the whisky

Strange isn't it? What is bland to one person may not be to another

Just like another active thread over what is offensive and what is humour ;-)

I've always opted for 'gallows' type humour due to the many situations I have been in. These I hasten to add are nowhere near as horrific as those encountered by the emergency services personnel, nor members of the armed forces.

However, I still object to someone else deciding what I can or cannot read. You can tart it up with any expression you like but it is still censorship :-|

So, if you don't find this thread bland, then just turn a bland eye to it :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D

well I think that is a bit blandish enough Allan..so trying to redress the balance
an offering I received in an email today...

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.’ "


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Another one from your neck o the woods, Allan....


A shaggy dog story, with a moral!

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW!"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

"FINE!" SHE SAYS.THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

"FINE!" SHE SAYS. "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK!"

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS......................... ........

THEN HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING, AND AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THAT THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."

"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE."

HE SAID,"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, "WELL HELLOOOOO!!DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!!"

Good ones, Bob :-D :-D :-D

The chemistry one reminded me of another, much shorter joke involving an Engineering Student doing a particular question in his final exams.

The question was "How would you construct a water reservoir on a river and in particular how would you start to engineer the river and its bed?"

Having spent a large amount of time trying to resolve the issue in his mind he became so frustrated that he wrote

Damn the river, and blast the bed!!

He would have received full marks, but one was deducted for poor spelling :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Sorry Bob and Allan, none of those posts were bland, they were hilarious,.

In fact, I could have found them offensive, if I'd been unable to understand them!!
...perhaps I should report them.....just in case........

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D

Maybe I should report them both for being too funny.

Oh dear! I may have broken my own T&C's

I will have to report myself :-(

Now here's a thought; if I report this particular thread, will it be deleted?

Of course it will...and should be...it's bordering on funny

HMmmmmm!

Bland....Tasteless...?

I have a few tasteless jokes I could pull out....


now they WOULD get RR'd

Bob

Go on you know you want to....

Oki doke

pinched from a recent email.....


A southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of aass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes, " replied the southerner . "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of ya. But where ah come from down in Luzianna, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of aass for mah drink."

:-D :-D :-D

Tut tut, Bob

I really should report you, but I can't be assed ;-)

I know that feeling :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D

My mate's wife left him because of his gambling habit. All he thinks of now is how to win her back


:-D :-D :-D