General Chat

she was big and buxom and her very large red bloomers rather put him off,
he was very worried about his onions,they were looking very windswept and dangling by a thread,,he knew what he had to do next-----

He had to get some support for his onions.

So, gathering a crowd he got them all to chant "Eldrick's onions, Eldrick's onions Oi Oi Oi!" several times.

This gathering and the ritual chanting soon attracted the attention of the boys in blue who

arrived just in time to see Eldrick being carted off by some odd looking "ladies"in white coats going towards

The CONVENT. The nuns had struck again.

As Eldrick sturggled to free himself, the Mother Superior, Sister Matically, warned him not to

struggle for we are gonna wash,shave and cut your hair ready for

Your baptism

"Not water!" shouted Eldrick, who'd managed to avoid bathing for years.

"This patina on my bronzed body has been formed over many years" he wailed, "To strip it off now would be an inhuman act"

Sister Matically laughed manically and gloated, "Do you think that we are interested in your body, you unworthy being! It's your neeps that we want. They are the mystical stones that originally belonged to our Sisterhood and gave us our powers"

Eldrick passed

out at the thought of losing his neeps - and how exactly would he be losing them he wondered and what would they do with them - would they grow back ever or could he have a transplant - all these thoughts were running round in his head - when he awoke there was no sign of Sister Matically and he felt as if he was floating - had he been drugged? he slowly and tentativey moved his hand towards his neeps and

quelle horreur!!... the space where his neeps had been was empty.

Eldrick felt violated. He staggered to his feet and limped towards the door.

Opening it, he fell headlong into the clutches of

the head of the monastery abbot costella who lived next door to the nuns,he had Eldricks neeps in his

hands.

"You may see them bud!" exclaimed the Abbot, "But lou will never seem them grow" (the Abott had a speech defect)

Eldrick buckled at the knees (the new trousers supplied by the tailor maid were a bit weird)

"These neeps will now feature in a combined ceromony with our Sisterhood which demands a sacrifice."

Eldrick blanched, as did the vegetables on the hob.

"No!!" screamed Eldrick, "you can't....

Oh yes we can, and have, the only way for you to redeem them is to Marry Big Bertha so that we can take the first offspring and train it in the ways of the brother and Sisterhood (They were Hoodies) if that turns out ok,we,ll take the next one as well and form a Tag Team managed by "Big Daddie" Fagash Lils old man,Then and only then will we show you the way to re culivate your neeps to an even larger size,and even provide a Growbag for the purpose,so think about it and let us know how you feel about

this extended family that they had in mind ,but eldrick wanted to ask about his tatties and onions where do they fit into this picture,and he really didn't want to marry Big Bertha so he

Drew a picture of Big Bertha (and stashed his old neeps in the corner as his signiture) then craftily made a Cupie Doll of her and Fagash Lil then stuck Needles and Pins in (To make a point) then thinking This is good I,ll take up sewing or crotcheting make a few quid and pay my way back to the land of the Haggis and meybe get myself some new Neeps and a few Onions (He had a parchant for Tripe) then I can stand up straight (He listed to one side after the loss of his other neeps) and face the

future with a smile,knowing he had

at last turned the corner and knew exactly where he was ging and what he was going to do - neepless he strode out manfully with a determined stride towards Bonnie Scotland and felt hisheart rising as he began to sing "I'll take the high road etc" Striding on he

learned about the Occult and Fortune telling he could read the Runes and throw the bones,do the Tarot and on the whole (He was smiling at that) he could earn quite a few quid on the side (The one not listing) and then turn his hand to making Nettle and Neep Beer with an onion dip (For the deep fried neeps) but how to keep his fortune from his Ex Spouses they,ll be after him for Child Support and things like that,how could he explain to the Tax man where his money had gone to (Or how he made it) so he decided to be come a Giggalo and charge for

for his services but without neeps would he get any takers? debateable!

his recipe for

haggis crumble - a speciality in his family going back years but has to be haggis caught in a particular place - a secret place that only he knew of - would he ever get back there - things were looking up he felt as he soldiered on, missing his neeps but feeling a little more comfortable now. With a spring in his step he approached