General Chat

You are a throw back Jill, your genes skipped a generation or two - it happens, you must have seen it yourself, little Tommy is the spitting image of G.Uncle Gerald!!

So Jillian.........nowhere to go for that cuddle & reassurance that most grandparents give........how sad that you were deprived of something a lot of us take for granted.

Please keep positive and enjoy your lovely family.

Rob's mom knew something of what had happened and she always hugged me in a very special way. It was like she was giving me a message that she loved me. I still miss her very much. When she was seriously ill in hospital I spent a lot of time by her bedside doing little things like moistening her lips. Rob was at a different hospital where his father was also seriously ill. I used to say that if someone submitted the storyline to Casualty, it would be chucked out as being too unbelieveable for words. Anyway, one day I was sat with Edna and I was able to say to her " I love you". She couldn't talk at the time but mouthed back and me "I love you".

I knew a lovely lady who fostered a boy in Alison's class. We talked one day and I told her I missed a mother's hug. I don't suppose there was more than eight years or so between our ages. Anyway, she gave me a big hug and told me that she would adopt me. Such a simple gesture but it meant the world to me.

I hug my kids a lot. I don't care if anyone thinks it's soppy. The parents certainly discouraged it. My mother kept telling me to put Alison down when she was a baby. You know how they fall asleep at the end of a feed. I used to hold her and loved to watch her. So one day I asked why she was always telling me to stop cuddling her and put her down. The reply was that she didn't want Alison to get used to it. (Big raspberry here). I've spent my whole life being trained to worry what others thought of me. Now I don't care. Take me as I am and if you don't like me, it's not my problem. I've been judged so badly in the past, now I have friends who know me and love me for the person I am, I really don't care what strangers or mere aquaintances think of me. I am so lucky to have the friends I have. We have become family and we actually say things like " I love you". It's wonderful. I think it's fair to say that aside from a lot of the usual worries plus some extra, my life is very good. I'm happier than I think I ever have been in my life. When I'm off-colour is when my demons get the better of me. Within a few days of walking out on the parents I ceased to have insomnia for the first time since I was about twelve. I still get it but now I can lie in bed and rest and listen to the radio I have on my pillow all the time. I'm mostly no longer afraid to go to bed. I do have bad dreams about him in particular. Over Christmas and new year I had them really bad and told Rob I felt as though I was being haunted. I constantly felt that there was someone behind me all the time and I could sense his anger at me still. I don't know. Maybe he came back and maybe I was extra low because I'd had flu for most of December.

Sometimes when I'm out watching Al play a football match I'll get a sudden memory of standing watching a match a couple of years before when things were so different when my life wasn't my own. I am so free now. I'm trying with Rob's help to catch up on all the things that need to be done in the house and garden but got ignored for years. I also want to do something about my weight which went up about a stone a year for every year I was looking after them. I was just too tired to do anything. I am so looking forward to this summer. Sunshine, open windows and hopefully a garden and house I won't be ashamed to invite anyone in to. I have a free weekend to work in the garden or bake (I love to bake),except for getting bread and milk and watching Create and Craft on the computer on Sunday morning. One of the lovely people who was so supportive is a lady called Barbara Gray who is Clarity Stamps. She does a live show every month so I make sure I can sit and watch her. She is wonderful, a lovely, lovely lady. The kids love her too. So you can see how blessed I am now with love and affection. Sometimes I worry about being this content. I'm afraid that at any time, something could go wrong but I hope not but I never take what I have now for granted.

Now. If I could just have good weather to be outside in....

xxJill

Jill,

re adoption - I was finally adopted at the age of 36 by my oldest friend's mother!!!!! She used to tell everyone I was her other daughter, the flowers came from her other daughter, she was off to spend another week or two with her other daughter and family! She was off to her gdaus wedding (my dau's!).

Was staying one time with friend when I was introduced to her neighbour who said - before friend could say anything - Oh your mother told me you were coming and for sisters you are not a bit alike. I kept a straight face and said we had different fathers!

Thanks to Alice we have given up trying to explain we are not sisters! Friend was an only child and I only had a brother.

Alice used to say to me often 'I never knew your father but I know your mother and you must take after your father because in no way are you like your mother'. That was always a comfort to me. She was a lovely lady and welcomed in her stays by all the family, however when Nana was duee for her yearly uninvited visit - there were loud groans.

You are free now Jill, free to be with the people you love and who love you.

sorry I haven't been back for awhile ..not that the thread needs me any longer.

**Ann** to answer your question about have I ever thought about writing a book ..yes often altho not about mother dear, and I am glad I made you smile with what I wrote as I do try to make some of her antics as amusing as possible... eck they would make for a fantastic sitcom.

Jillian once more my heart cries for you. I am proud for you that you have made something of your life. I am humbled that you have chosen to share your memories with us.
I feel a fake because my parents did love ..well I know dad did and Mother dear does now (I think).

I'm not quite sure what to say ..I hug everybody at times but I also shy away from contact until I know them and I know that is part of my childhood.
What I do say is Jill you have made a great life with people who love you enjoy it.

For those of us especially with 'indifferent' (to put it politely) mothers ,perhaps a read of Alison Lapper's autobiography 'My Life in My Hands' would help.

She is the lady whose 16' high statue of her pregnant is in Trafalgar Square.

She was born badly disabled, disowned at birth by her mother (no contact until 4 yrs of age) and then mother used her influence with Social Services to halt Alison's contact with anyone who gave her love/comfort and so spent her life in care from birth. She is a talented lady and has been decorated by HM The Queen.

A truly humbling read.

nudging

Chris, I remember this woman because she was in a programme about her son Parys, one of those Child of our Time progs or whatever it was called. I thought she had a lot of attitude which got her where she was at the time, she certainly had a rough deal if her birth mother was so awful to her and even stopped her being fostered or adopted. How cruel was that?
i must look out for the book, I am sure it will be interesting.

I have been reading Jillian's story and feel so sad for you Jillian, but admire the way you are making your life the way you want it to be. Hope you have many happy times with your family now and no feelings of guilt etc, not that you should have but I know too well how those feelings come even if not warranted.

Several things from your life struck a chord with me and hence I felt for you but couldn't respond sooner. My best wishes to you.

Lizx

well would you adam an eve it. I phoned mother dear tonight to see if she is coming out ..yes .. so I explained about my ankle said I should be okay and the answer I got ...

maybe I should wait then until you are better ...no how are you now aww love I will look after you, just can you walk if not there is no point me being there !

grrrrrrrrr

PS sorry I missed a few replies but I have been strung up lol

Hello Uzzi in the Sunshine

I could say relax but you would probably throw something at me but that is what you should try to do. Not with the booze or the pills. What about the ways of the buddhists. They always seem to me very calm in the face of adversity. It woud take your mind off your mother for a while maybe. Thinking of you.

Regards

Vera

Vera lol no drink or drugs nor no buddism. my answer is laughter. mind I give in now and will hit the painkillers soon ....

Well, let us be honest Uzzi - she is consistent in her behaviour - if she had said anything caring you would probably have had a heart attack and be in hospital! So you have something to thank her for!!!!!!

Oh and there was me wondering if it was an accident arranged by fate to keep you from having to entertain your mother lol

Hope the visit when it happens, works out ok, I suppose you can always plead a relapse if she gets too much to bear and you can get a day or so away from her.

Lizx

Hi I have been reading this for the last few weeks and can i say Thank You as i now know i am not the only person with a bad mother.When i was four years old my mother had another child and i was told to go away she had another child and i was not need. My aunt looked after me as a child because my mother said she did not wont or love me, my grandmother and grandfather were always there for me. My dad just did what my mother told him to do.To cut a long story short my mother never been there for me but i did try to be there for her . When we got married she told my OH six months that all it will last but we are still together 27 years and 3 children and 2 grandsons later My 2 sisters just do as my mother tell them so i have no contact with them. At 54 years old i now think so what i have my family and my frends. My GP also help me to not feel bad about the way things are with my mother, but my aunt told me JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEM. My family love me and i love them and yes sometime i still wish that i have a mother that love me for me but she does not so i am just going to get on with my life and with what i got. My aunt who looked after me as a child is stil alive and she come to see me every year for four weeks and we have a great time and she love my children and grand childchildren like they were hers. I now know that i was not all the thing my mother said i was like no good and not worth being with, life out there and i will enjoy with my OH and my family my mother will not win and make my life bad, Sorry got to go now as looking after grandchilden for the day and the best thing about it is when my 5 years grandson says Nan you are not bad for your age and we love you
Sandy

(((Hugs))) Sandy - what a strong woman you are. Just like Jill and so many other people you have turned your life around despite the woman who gave birth to you. I admire your courage.

Sue x

Oh Sandy. So sorry. Wish it had been different for you. I am blessed with some lovely friends and we now regard ourselves as family - chosen family. Like Sue says, you are strong. It isn't easy is it - but we keep going.

You hang on and remember you are not alone.

xxJ

Sandy ..it's good to hear that you have come out of the otherside of childhood with a strong personality.
I'm hope that this thread is helping others realise that they are not alone even if I do sometimes take it light heartedly
Stay strong out there.

Am I going doolally? Where is Update page 6?

Where have all the 'good' mothers gone?