Genealogy Chat

Hi Glen, My heart goes out to you at the moment, and I am trying to find the right thing to say ( at which I am hopeless at ). Don't you wish that if people do not want contact they would just come out and say, we are not children for goodness sake. Sometimes false hope is so much worse than no hope. I think that it is your BS loss and not yours, you seem like a very genunie guy who has a lot of heart. Melisa

Hmmm I think the run and hide option is nearer the truth,she wrote a letter to me and posted it last monday,seems odd to think that she 'forgot' she was about to move house,and seeing as it was a house sale etc it wouldn't have happened in a couple of days,not with £200k of property to sell anyhow,and her being aware that i was travelling to the county for the weekend. Glen

Hi Glen, You could just let it go or could you write another letter to her saying sorry you missed her, and would still like to have that cuppa she so kindly offered. Would her mail not get redirected to her new address. Maybe her settlement was bought forward a couple of days Melisa

Hi Mel I did speak to a couple of the neighbours,they don't have a forwarding address,but the move had been on the cards for a few weeks,and the removal van had been sorted out two weeks earlier (apparently). Maybe her post might be redirected,i'm not sure. It just seems like something that wouldn't slip your mind though,especially as she moved during a long weekend,and had booked the week off work as well. The hubby moved too,so it isn't a result of a family split,and according to the neighbours,my half bro and two of half sisters daughters helped with the move as well. That is the bit that really does hurt,knowing that at least one person never said i was turning up,and another three i have never met not having the chance to say hello,i have a feeling that they never even had the choice. I could handle them saying they don't want to know,but at the risk of sounding idealistic,the youngest of my neices and nephews is 37,i'm 39 and my half sis and half bro are in their late 50's. We are all adults,so why do i feel like i'm being treated like a naughty five year old? Glen

Hi Glen, I understand completly what you are saying about , that you would rather them tell you straight, we are not babies or teenagers anymore and are well into our experienced years ( somtimes ). I think they would have to have mail redirection through the post office who would not ! I am a bit like a bull in a china shop so you should give great consideration to what I think before you do it. (giggle) Could you not write the letter and in it write that you would dearly love to meet them but if not that you will understand but would like to know either way so you will not be left hanging, so if they decide not to, you can move on. Phrase it nicely thoough I am sure that will come easily to you !! Send a couple of pics of yourself and forget about it, there is nothing more you can do after that ! Melisa

Hi again Mel I have been through that stage already,and this was 'step two'. Years ago a demonstrator from a microwave manufacturer told me i was 'too nice' and should be a bit tougher with the way i deal with people.She must know me better than i know myself.Perhaps i should leave it for a few days,as at the moment i feel like sending a message to half bro saying i managed without for 39 years and the way they seem i can last for another 39. Glen

Glen - you have and you will! If they decide to act like ingorant twerps there is little you can do, getting upset/angry will only bounce them futher away. Send B sister a letter to old adress, if it gets redirected , so be it. Just say you'd love to meet her sometime, bung in your telephone number and leave it at that. ball is her court. she'll either bounce it back or not - then you'll know. Jess x

Hi Glen, I agree you should leave it a couple of days, if you are anything like me I will go through quite a range of emotions in a few days, come to think of it a few hours even ! So do not send anything yet that you might regret later on or as soon as it leaves your computer. Don'y worry about being to nice there are worse things you could be !! Mel

thinking of you all.

Hi all Glen Sorry things didnt turn out better for your weekend. Its sad to read how they are treating you. If it was me I would want the truth not to be dragged along believing one thing when they have no gust or sensitivity for you and are not being honest about their true feelings. I would try BB email again and be honest and see how it goes. For your own well being try a few more times....be honest with them and maybe they will have some feelings and be honest back. Good Luck Glen Annxx

Help please if you can I have waited my 9 months to hear from a social worker with my birth records but have heard nothing What can |I do I don't know who to start pestering . I'm gonna be a grandma any day now so at least I'lll be in someones family tree . All ideas gratefully received

Hi Lorna, first point of call would be the social worker involved,(at the very least the office concerned,but don't get the runaround). I had a problem with mine being released from the GRO and going to my local office,then i moved house as the paperwork was on the way. Irang the GRO and they re-issued it to my new designated office in three days.It might be worth a call to the GRO and explain the situation and see what they advise.I have always found the GRO staff to be extremely helpful and polite. Good luck Glen

Lorna - ring her back this afternoon- jess x

Tyanx will give anything a try my grandchild when it arrives will have the honour !!!!!!! of having two adopted grandmas the midwives had never come across this before . It wasn't very helpful for family medical history so my daughter has managed to blame quite a lot of aiklments on me in particular as she delicately puts it doesn't know my blood stock how rude !!!!

hi all just popped in to read your posts gosh how i relate to you glen iv been treated just the same by my birth family,i met them 3yrs ago and im still trying to hold on to perhaps something that isnt there for them,its so hard to just let go especially not having them in our lives for so long,iv had so many let downs in the last 3yrs,its like they got a vendeter against me,its the exstened family of my birth family that make things so difficult,its like im in a battle most of the time,but i wont let them beat me its what they want me to do is to say sod it im not gunna bother anymore,but i aint going no were,hold in there every one,we have waited a long time to have our birth familys in our lives hugs to every one love angie xxxxxxxxxx

Hi all Angela I sorry your birth family are treating you bad..I know if I was in your situation I would not bother. I would give them a certain amount of time then I would let go.......If they dont want your company then thats their loss. Theres only so much one person can tolerate from other people and being ignored by your so_called birthfamily is not one of the things I would be prepared to tolerate. Not worth the emotional stress that it would cause. I hope your situation turns out better in the future. Let them come to you. Good Luck Annxx

I think there are certainly 3 Elements to this 'finding' lark. Adoptees that want to find Birth parents that want to find and birth families, that maybe dont want to be found. Whilst it is all very well for us adoptees to want to look , want to see, want to find out, to be rejected again by their ''not wanting us back'' hurts . I guess it is different for different people, depending on what you had post adoption in terms of 'family'. My post adoption brothers will always be just that - the sons that birth mother had will never be 'my brothers' nor would i expect then to be, to fullfill that role, i think you have to grow up together to know each other well enough to do that. So, this sibs that we uncover/find, that reject us again and again, I guess they have rights too - the right not to want us back ? In my heart, if the woman that put the plasters on my grazed Knee is mum, ( hence their mum isn't) how can we be brother and sister ? (other than genetically ) hardest part is, you cant force someone to want you. sorry probably not worded right at all.... does it make any sense? Jess x

Hi Jess It makes perfect sense to me. Years ago i used to deliver fridges and the like,and it was amazing how you could see family pictures in houses,and how people would whistfully talk of the faces you could see,even though they had no connection to me. It is strange to think that maybe a picture of my b/m is on a wall and the meter reader gets to learn something about her,and i can't. I can respect the wishes of her children,but i feel that they show less respect to me than they do to strangers.That really does stick in my throat. Sometimes i believe they would treat an animal better than me,and i know that I AM better than that. Glen

hi jess and glen all your coments make perfect sence its just finding the strength not to bother,my birth brothers,i have 3 of them were brought up with my natural parents and me and my sis were adopted,its mainly the sister-in laws that give me grief,i have backed off a lot since meeting them 3yrs ago,but then my older brother fones me and says please keep texing me but i dont like to incase his wife dont like it and anyway hes not allowed credit to keep intouch with me.then theres my little brother who foned me jan after not hearing off him for 2yrs and blamed me for not choosing my birth family to live with and stayed with my adopted parents but id been with them since the age of 2 he also withheld his number so i cant get intouch with him,he said it would probly be another 2yrs before i hear off him again,and then my middle brother which is an on off sort of relationship,his girlfriend tryed to cause grief for me and my sis but it didnt work cus we dont play games and she needs to grow up after all this grief i still try and keep intouch with them,i must be off my head angie xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all Angela.......Good Luck I also think men are different from woman...lol. I think woman feel it more then men.....sorry if i have offended any men....and this doesnt apply to glen. I applaud your strength Angela.....I know I couldnt or wouldnt bother. I would let them come to me. I suppose because my family are my family and my BM family are just .new people to get to know. My Bs and I are just friends.....thats all their can be. And I enjoy the new friendship. I suppose as Adoptee's we are searching for different things. Annxx