General Chat

a nudge for Alaina and anyone new, to the boards Bob

Adam & Eve God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?' God said, 'Go down into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a valley?' God explained it to him. God said, Go to the river, Adam said, 'What's a river?' ! God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......' Adam said, 'What is a hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave' Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.' Adam said, 'What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....' ! And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well .So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?' And Adam said ( YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!) What's a headache?'

OMG! Got shock of my life when I saw this thread wow I love GR for keeping old threads! Thank you for nudging it!

Alaina...dont thank Genes.............thank us for keeping your thread alive!! it was too good to let it go down the pan!!!!!!!!!! Bob

nudge, for Ron, and others..... Bob

testing

Ronald...............LOL

Thank you.

xx

The Zipper
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for the bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured
we was friends."


Bob

I was undecided about which thread to post this on, and this one won the toss.........

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman : How horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman : So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Bob

LOL Bob :)))

xx

LOL, I like that!

Rosex

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,! ! once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE

TOILET ROLL!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

What I want in a man through my adult life

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens as much as talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

nudged in retaliation to Pauls', brave man thread......

LOL

Bob

A nudge, a nudge, my kingdom for a nudge

a long time since we had a post on this thread, so here is a blonde joke.......

A young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"

"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"
( nicked from another site,) Bob

Journey of one man...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,


so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all

the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found

a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable

and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.

She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as

happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted

firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she

divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big boobies

nearly six years old!!!

Bob