General Chat

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women. > > To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.

It is good to be a woman: 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo. 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 9 We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway. Jan

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are mimicing water flowing away. It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. Life is meant to be lived . . . enjoy!

What women want in a man... The was a department store where women could buy a husband. The rule was that once you had been on a floor, you could not return to it - each floor was a once only visit. The ground floor was a bit of a bargain place - the sort of place where you see for sale things you cannot believe anyone would buy. The men for sale on this floor were very poor specimens. They had no looks, no talent, and no endearing qualities whatsover. But..... a sign promised better specimens on the next floor. Up the escalator went the women..... The men on floor 2 were a bit better. Sure, they were a bit plain, but they had jobs, albeit poorly paid. They seemed nice enough. But the women decided to carry on..... Floor 3 was much better. The men here seemed regular nice guys. They were ok to look at and had ok jobs. They looked like the type most people would settle down with. But, how tempting that next escalator was.... Floor 4 was a different matter altogether. Here there were handsome men, who had good well paid jobs. They were interesting to talk to, and obviously a good catch for any woman. But, let's just look at floor 5. Floor 5 - wow. The men here were very good-looking indeed. They were extremely rich and bill-boards spoke of their commitment to be good husbands and fathers. No woman could want more. Or could she? "These men are amazing, but just think what they are like on the next floor" they all cried as they hurried to the escalator. On floor 6, there was a huge neon sign pointing to the store exit. This all goes to show that women always want more. Nigel (enlightened man of the 21st C) Redford

God said; "Go down into that valley." "What's a valley?" asked Adam, and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." "What's a river?" asked Adam and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Go over the hill." What's a hill?"asked Adam, and God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." What's a cave?" asked Adam, and God explained that to him. "In the cave, you will find a woman," said God. "What's a woman?" asked Adam. So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." "How do I do that?" asked Adam. So God explained. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river and over the hill and into the cave and found the woman. Five minutes later he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

MMMMMMMMMMMMM I did good with this thread I'm feeling sexy again thanks to one man who I have known 4 10 years since I woz 14 who made me feel really again, but You lot will always be my best mates xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

opps just read last message I put on here and I can't believe what I put I was a liccle bit drunk at the time lol

Alaina I think the original email was lovely. Thanks for sharing it. Gerry (an appreciative man)

Gerry I thought that too at the time thats why I put it on the threads but It kind of started a women vs men war!

makes you realise we are all special doesnt it? christine

Alaina Yes, and look who started it - women! LOL Gerry

Anyone else got anything to add? I don't want this thread to disappear becoz it's had me in stitches!

Call in the phantom bumper!

Wendy, That was fantastic!! Have we met before as you just described me. lol... Lindy:-)))

Hi Wendy, As I am left handed you must be the wrong handed one lol..lol.. Lindy:-))))

What would men do without us .........NOTHING

Alaina That was fantastic reading - I too will pass it on

Janet, probably play cards, mend cars , watch the traffic go by, play pocket billiards.all sorts of useful things

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear pants don't you? He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." A male friend of mine sent these to me thought they would make apt reading for this thread lol

What a beautiful passage!! reminded me of the saying "Women are like teabags, you never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water"