General Chat

Well, here we go again.... lol Hope this joke doesn't offend anyone!!! (Probably no one will read it anyway lol ) I shall persist..... The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. 'Jesus Christ!' he shouted. Joseph said, 'Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!'

I liked that one Oleander. :))

Just got last of ingredients for the Cakes, also saving the jam jars etc for putting the pickle in will start doing the pickles etc soon too It must be Xmas the woman in front of me in Tesco had bought all her advent Calenders , 6 of 'em , she told the girl on check out she wanted to get them while they still had some in ...!!!!! Jan

A Cook's Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking And moanin and bitchin. I've been here for hours, I cant stop to rest. This room's a disaster, Just look at this mess! Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need ! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs. There's a knock at the door, and the telephones ringing; Frosting drips on the counter As the microwave's dinging. Two pies in the oven, Dessert's almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, Spilling rum on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles 'The eggnog is ready !' He looks all around and with total regret, Says 'Whats taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??' As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain And screams 'MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!' Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh s*** it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell !! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL Instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead?? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, All shakey and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year, You won't find me pulling My hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesnt work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!

PMSL!!!!!!!! :0) JOan xxx

The Effect Of Inflation On Santa 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house how the tinsel was scattered! and twigs by the thous- and. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care- They were skewered with ten-penny nails, to be fair. The children, God bless them, were snug in their beds, With clothesline to anchor the ankles and heads. The Wife in her housecoat, and I clad alike, Had gone to cellar to get the new bike, When from a dark corner arose such a clatter I felt a strong urge to forget the whole matter. The wife said go over and open the door; I grabbed a stout cudgel and crept 'cross the floor And gingerly peered through the glass to behold A wee red-suited man, turning blue with cold. Suppressing my dire thoughts of a communist trick, I flung wide the portal, admitting..... St. Nick! Poor Santa came in stamping snow from his feet And cursing cold weather and all central heat. 'Your chimney's too small for a man of my girth'--- Which shows what the power of tradition is worth. I asked him to stay, as the perfect host ought, And my gimlet eyes gleamed at the parcels he brought. Upstairs in the kitchen, hot toddy in hand, Old Santa had both of us folks understand That the new station wagon he'd purchased this year To replace his eight quaint reindeer was the poorest investment he ever had chosen-- It stalled by our house the engine plumb frozen. My wife asked him then if the high cost of living, Had interfered much with the job of gift-giving. 'I'll say so,' quoth he. 'Why, a plain roller skate is costing me $40.98; And the cheapest new belt, since inflation intruded, Costs $11.27, all taxes included; My labor is raising all manor of hob-- In fact, this here Christmas is too big a job.' He talked a while longer, but then had to go When a wrecker from town came to give him a tow. He left a tin whistle for Joey, our son, And a watch for Matilda--I bet it won't run; For the Wife, a new apron that makes her flesh crawl, And a tie for yours truly completed our haul. But I heard him exclaim, as he rolled out of sight, 'The blazes with Christmas--Tarnation is right!'

Joan.... that's good that you are enjoying it.... but please clean up after.... Ta muchly!!! lol lol Jacquie xxxx

Your Eggnog's Too Strong If you see a fat man ... Who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it... Your eggnog's too strong!!!

Jacquie, did you know that in Aust. Santa's sleigh is pullled by six white Kangaroos???

Yvonne! Are you having me on??? I don't believe it!!! Jacquie xxxx

20 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say 'We hate Christmas,' and 'Go away Santa.' 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, 'For The Tooth Fairy. :)' Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, 'For Santa. :(' 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, 'Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.' 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, 'Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!' and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint 'hoof-prints' all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been 'trampled.' Threaten to sue. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, 'This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.'

Santa Baby ...... Leave a sable under the tree - for me!! Santa baby - and hurry down that chimmney in 107 days!!!! ;o)))) xxx

yo Jacquie! Has Kim a voice or what ? has anyone heard for sure its her voice? if they have respect, if not kick her out, with the plank (Sue in Yorkshire) lol. We must respect talent, no that sort of talent Kim! please anyone can do that, bed now KIM lol Night Paddy and Geraldine OK Beamish is nice, when there is no guinness (lol) I'm gone Jacquie, oof to bed and just wanted to say hello and hope all is well? Speak soon one love and one inity please read the other thread for double standards, hope you can make it out! Pat x

Oh Joy!!!! am in stitches. They are so good. Will email them to my family just as soon as I stop laughing. rotf and pmsl

In Australia, large male kangaroos are called Boomers (it must be true, Rolf Harris says so) SIX WHITE BOOMERS Early on one Christmas Day a joey kangaroo Was far from home and lost in a great big Zoo. 'Mummy, where's my Mummy? They've taken her away' [enter Santa] 'We'll help you find your mummy, son. Hop up on the sleigh' So up upon the bags of toys little Joey hopped But they hadn't gone far when Santa stopped. Unharnessed all the reindeer and Joey wondered why' Then he heard a far off booming in the sky. Boom, boom, boom, boom CHORUS: Six white Boomers, snow white Boomers, Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun. Six white Boomers, snow white Boomers, On his Australian run. Pretty soon old Santa began to feel the heat. Took his fur-lined boots off to cool his feet. Into one hopped Joey, feeling quite ok While those old man kangaroos kept pulling on the sleigh, Hey! CHORUS Soon the sleigh was passing over Marble Bar 'Slow down there,' said Santa, ' it can't be far. Hop up on my lap here son and have a look around' There she is, that's Mummy! bouncing up and down' Oh! CHORUS

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho. Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Answer: Claustrophobic. Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Answer: Snowflakes.

Pat... Any singing on my thread is beautiful.... and that includes Kim... lovely Kim!! One love Pat!! Jacquie xxxx

may I sing, too, please, Jacquie? I hope so..............just in case.......... They said there'll be snow at Christmas, They said there'll be peace on earth, But instead it just kept on raining, A veil of tears for the Virgin birth. I remember one Christmas morning, The Winter's light and a distant choir, And the peal of a bell and that Christmas tree smell, And eyes full of tinsel and fire. They sold me a dream of Christmas, They sold me a silent night, They told me a fairy story, 'Til I believed in the Israelite. And I believed in Father Christmas, And I looked to the sky with excited eyes, Then I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn, And I saw him and through his disguise. I wish you a hopeful Christmas, I wish you a brave New Year, All anguish, pain and sadness, Leave your heart and let your road be clear. They said there'd be snow at Christmas, They said there'd be peace on earth, Hallelujah! Noel!, be it Heaven or Hell, The Christmas we get, we deserve.

Oh PLEASE....................... I'm cancelling it this year!!!! I do it ever year, then run around like a headless chicken for 2 weeks! Deanna x

Deck the Sheds Deck the sheds with boughs of wattle Fal la la la la, fa la la la Whack some gumleaves in a bottle Fa la la la la, fa la la la All the shops are open Sundys Fa la la, fa la la, la la la Buy your Dad some socks and undies Fa la la la, fa la la la Deck the sheds with bits of gumtree Fa la la la, Fa la la la Hang some deco's off the plumtree Fa la la la, Fa la la la Plant some kisses on the Missus Fa la la, Fa la la, la la la Have a ripper Aussie Christmas Fa la la la, Fa la la la