General Chat

Allan's wife peered into the depths of her bag and jumped back screaming. She had just seen a pair of small eyes staring at her.

Recovering, she plucked up the courage to once again look in the bag and there were the eyes looking back.

Undaunted, Allan's wife put her hand in the bag and pulled out the Peking duck.

At least she wouldn't go hungry.

Meanwhile Allan had transferred from the Bermuda sloop to a slow boat to China. Looking at the mess surrounding him with bits of odd furniture, assorted engine parts, and old clothing, Allan knew that he was on a Junk.

One man's junk, is another man's gold. So Allan picked up a few bars for 'safe keeping', know it would come in handy later to barter for essentials like....a good watch, or a pretty dress for OH.

The sea was calm and they drifted towards the horizon, when a strange bubbling in the water alerted them to......

"No duff! No duff"

OH has just finished an afternoon nap in which she dreamed that I am going to jail.

My crime; seizing a cruise ship, the 'Ovation of the Seas'.

'T was a very convoluted story but apparently I managed to park it on the beach near to our motel before the authorities in very large cars turned up :-S.

OH has not really been following this thread so there must be some form of psychic osmosis taking place :-D

So much for reality(?), now please continue with the fiction(?)

:-D :-D :-D :-D

PS No duff is an expression used during British Army exercises to indicate that what follows is NOT part of the exercise but a genuine occurrence. As a member of the Medical Reserve we often got this type of message.

Fiction! :-S

"What is this fiction to which you refer?" asked the wise old China man in charge of the Junk...
"more importantly," said Allan "what is that bubbling sound by the boat?"
"Ah don't worry kind sir this is nothing"
"Really? I find that hard to believe seeing how things have been these past few days"

Allan had hardly finished saying these words when all of a sudden the boat started to move in a jerky fashion.......and a rather large tentacle came over the bow towards Allan.....

...”Goody “ shouted the junks cook (the bubbling sounds were coming from al the woks he had on the go.)

“Enough giant squid for everyone - now who catchee squid for tea”

Allan wasn't sure about squid for tea, but he could certainly use the ink to write letters asking for help.

These could be put into some of the many bottles littering the junk and thrown overboard.

Weren't the maritime postal services wonderful

As Allan started to throw them overboard he couldn't stop humming The Police song "message in a bottle"....unfortunately in all the recent adventures Allan Ablutions were questionable to say the least so he really was humming so OH was singing "Don't stand so close to me"....

Just then Allan heard a susurration of Chinese voices. He knew that it wasn't he who was humming so it must have been Chinese whispers :-D

A wizened face appeared at the hatch.

Allan was told that the crew were having a joint Burns Night/ Chinese New Year celebration. They called it a Chinese Burns Night, and that he was invited.

Allan really didn't want to go, but the crew twisted his arm

:-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D

He wasn't sure what would be served as haggis.
It might contain many indistinguisable and unpalatable delights?

But offending one's hosts was not on and might have dire consequences, so Allan decided it would be prudent to join in wholeheartedly with the festivities.

He of course knew and had partaken of many cross- arms renderings of Auld Lang Syne, but what was this holding your colleagues wrist all about?

He waited to find out.and then it became painfully obvious................

These Orientals would not inflict pain on him on purpose would they?

Allan decided that the burn mark on his wrist must have been an Occident.

The haggis was brought into the room proceeded by a boy with a cat under his arm and twisting its tail.

Allan didn't know where the crew had come up with this notion for piping the haggis in but it certainly wasn't from watching the Edinburgh Military Tattoo.

The haggis, too, looked strange as it writhed on the plate.

This strangeness continued as the haggis jumped from the plate onto the table

The 'haggis' shivered and shuddered. The tripes and lights trembled away.

Lo and behold a beautiful mermaid lay on the table. Allan was transfixed.

What a wonder to behold. Long blonde hair, cracking figure, 36-24 and 2/6 per lb.

Allan felt a sharp dig in his ribs. OH was not best pleased.

The crew strangely enough were looking at her tail, and imagining how many portions of fish pie could be made.

Allan swept the delightful creature up in his arms and made off.....

with the creature whilst his wife's dulcet tones still rang in his ear, 'Put that creature down, there's something fishy going on here'

'I'm just going to release her,' replied Allan, 'She's undersized, she should be a minimum of 38 and this one is only 36'

This earnt Allan a box round his lugholes as the only tape measure was still reposing at the bottom of his wife's commodious bag.

Allan was beginning to flounder.

The mermaid looked on with sympathy in her eyes now that the scales had fallen from them.

With a quick flick of her tail the mermaid flapped over the side onto the water.
For not only had the scales fallen from her eyes they were beginning to fall from her tail.

Allan was mesmerised at the 'mermaid' swam away. Indeed her tail was coming away.

She turned and gave Allan a cheeky wink, as she flipped over. 'Thanks mate!' she cried,' I have been on that junk for weeks now, since I was picked up from that pedalo. I thought they were going to rescue me and take me to shore, but I have been general dogsbody ever since. Good on yer.'

Allan felt a clunk to the back of his head, that capacious bag could pack a punch. He fell forwards, but was pulled back by...…..

The Junks cook who was upset that Allan still hadn’t,t tried any of his deep fried giant squid.



(Junk cook. - should that read rubbish cook?)

Is it any wonder?

The thought of tucking in to those knobbly sucker-covered delights did nothing for Allan's queasy feeling.
The brightly covered coating didn't look great, either.
It would be like eating a fluorescent bicycle inner tube.

Maybe the crew could use them as glowing lamps, instead.

He would try to persuade cook that he'd make do with junket.

There was now too much junk on the Junk boat and Allan was getting hungry.

He thought about ordering a Pizza delivery and hitching a lift on the delivery vehicle.....

Allan got quite excited when he saw the Pizza Pedalo coming over the horizon...