General Chat

The bells on her toes were dormant, and the rings on her fingers were of fine fettle, it was the ring through her nose that threw him. When did Punks come into being? Certainly not back then, surely.

Also that bloke on the accordion playing all the time could get irritating...………..

Allan and OH suddenly realised that 'back home' the New Year had already begun, without them celebrating in style.

Nothing for it..... they'd have to find somewhere to join in festivities in UK time.

OH had another look in her bag to see if there was some suitable to wear.............

Puling out a lovely bunch of coconuts and utilising the string and strategies that she had learnt in the Girl Guides she fashioned herself an outfit that would fit in perfectly on some Polynesian Island, but which definitely clashed with an English Winter.

'Well you're not shy about that then,' remarked Allan to his pale-blue wife and being the gentleman that he was threw an old horse blanket over his wife for warmth.

Unfortunately for Allan it was still being used by an old horse at the time.

Recovering from a beating with the frying pan he began to wonder if this journey to seek out a pork pie was worth all the effort and pain.

He could quite as easily slip up the M6 and go to Bury to buy a quintessential black pudding

But what to wear thought Allan, OH has made a half-decent effort, where did I put my budgie smugglers, though why we've gone all beachwear is beyond me....as nice as the weather was it was hardly a heatwave. Also he realized black pudding pale in the shadow of pork pies.....and can they be called black puddings nowadays.....anyways Allan found his budgie smugglers and a nice beach robe that rather looked like a dress from certain viewpoints...I hope I'm not in a village thought Allan.....

Although if he was in a village he could always gain employment there as the resident idiot.

He might even save enough to purchase a one-way ticket back to Oz and at least there'd be free beer

No Allan couldn't be the village mentally challenged as they stopped awarding that many years ago now they just call them the Councillor.

So now suitably dressed they thought, they went in search of a party where hopefully there'd be free beer and whatever the OH wanted.....they wandered around for a while when suddenly in the distance they saw.....

THE MOTORWAY

'We're saved!' shouted Allan

Running for all they were worth, which wasn't very much, and pursued by several man in white coats who wanted to have deep and meaningful discussions with them about their less than suitable attire for the middle of an English winter, they wheezed their way to the emergency stopping lane.

"But what about the New Year party?" shouted OH

"We'll party tomorrow sweetie with Port Pies and black pudding" said Allan "Now flash your legs a little more don't want a lift off just anyone you know"

Next thing you know who should stop their car but.....

A butcher from Bury bearing black puddings. Allan always admitted that he was alliterate

:-D

except it wasn't was it...no it was a Vegan from Vagas.....

It could have been an alien from Uranus, but, no, it was definitely a butcher from Bury by the name of Ramsbottom

The butcher seemed intrigued by OH's home-made outfit and kept staring in an odd way, but Allan figured he'd been good enough to stop, so couldn't be ALL bad and he did have a normal vehicle, so OH and Allan climbed into the back.

The front seat was taken by boxes of black pudding left over from a trade show and the butcher hoped to deliver them on his homeward journey.
(quite how or why the butcher imparted all this information and his name at the roadside is unclear ?? )

.....And so they set off in a northerly direction.

'Aye, that right lad, Ramsbottom, Cuthbert Ramsbottom. Not to be confused with me brother Clarence, he makes brawn so he does, we have a lovely little abattoir in village, all chopping goes on there...…..' and with that he let out a low and sinister chuckle.

'I'm not sure that I feel quite comfortable with this' thought Allan. OH was fast asleep on his shoulder. Allan gently shoved, erm moved her onto the seat beside him.

'So' began Allan 'tell me about this trade fair that you attended Mr Ramsbottom. Did you do well?'

'Aye lad, that we did, we had a right good show. Plenty of liver and lights around room, and plenty of pigs trotters to gnaw on. Right good bash'

Mr Ramsbotton looked in the rear-view mirror to test the result of his confession, but Allan was underneath the back seat...……..

...Cutting an escape hole in the floor with the hacksaw from theOHs capacious bag.

It took longer than he thought cutting that hole, when retelling the story he would say the enormous size was because he didn't want OH getting stuck if it was too small....what with him being a gentleman and letting her go first...to cushion his fall and all.........anyway as he thought he'd cut enough it was confirmed...when the entire front and back seat suddenly fell to the road surface....sending showers of sparks everywhere and screams of "By heck it's happened again" from Mr Ramsbottom.....

Perpetual motion was in full force, the whole back seat was hurtling down the road after the car.

Allan could see that Ramsbottom was still behind the wheel, but he was glaring at them in the rear-view mirror. A trail of black puddings were littering the road behind the car, Allan wondered what the news reports would make of that when they broadcast the bulletin.

A whole black pudding bounced up from the tarmac and managed to make a necklace around Allan's neck...….

he hurriedly removed the ring of black pudding and using some of the string from the capacious bag, tied it the pudding and (holding onto the string) threw the pudding overboard to act as a drag to slow the back seat down.

This had the desired effect.but bruising the skin of the black pudding released all manner of tempting aromas and soon they were followed by.........

A pack of foxes that had been gingerly eyeing up the henhouse of the local farm.

Alerted to the smell of blood from the pudding, they rounded and chased after Allan and his OH...

Allan wondered if he was at the mercy of fate regarding which direction they were heading, but then he had an idea.

"LEAN TO THE LEFT." he shouted to OH.
Her days since Girl Guides were long since past and she leaned wildly to the right.

"Left woman, LEFT",he yelled and OH flung herself in that direction and their seat veered off up the nearest slip road and went down a ramp into a service station.

'Civilisation, ' thought Allan.
Perhaps they'd find a road map and be able to get another lift there.

Walking through the foyer, they were surprised to see........