General Chat

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notra Dame returns home after a hard days bell ringing to find Esmerelda standing in the kitchen holding a wok.
"Fantastic" he says, "Chineese tonight love?"
"Oh no" she says, "I`m ironing your shirt" :-D

Another good one Mr BK sir
Hope you are well.

I'm good thanks Errol. Hope your good too.



Sean was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Sean thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one
condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Sean replied. :-D :-D

Very well ta

I knew a girl like that once

I bet you couldn't pull the wool over her eyes Errol ;-)

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

Persephone I like that one. :-D



Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing
standing up.

Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the
news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

So Goldberg goes to the Meyerwitz unit and knocks on the door.
Mrs Meyerwitz yells from behind the door what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home. He needs more money.""

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg :-D

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.
I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet God."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

An Indian goes to the doctors and says "doctor, doctor; sometimes I think I'm a teepee & other times I think I'm a wigwam".
The doctor replies "your problem is your two tents".
:-D

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag,
puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "Feck dat. Dis budgiejumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag
and throws himself over the Edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean
Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper
bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - Feck that Lads. "First der was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean
Og and his fe_k'n hengliding!" :-D :-D

Yesterday I went to the optician's, walked up to the counter and said to the guy on duty, "I think my eyes are going."

He said, "They've gone mate - this is Burger King."

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees
the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna! do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with
about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

A father was reading his son the story of Lot in the Bible. He explained that Lot was told to take his wife and flee from the city, but his wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. The little boy looked aghast. "What happened to the flea?" he asked.

I came downstairs this morning to find the wife in the garden sprinkling icing sugar and planting miniature Union Jacks onto small heaps of dirt. Women,always making mountains out of mole hills. :-D :-D

A mother could hear her son in the other room, doing his maths homework..
" Six and twelve plus thirteen, and the son of a bitch is twenty seven"
"four times four is sixteen plus another four makes the son of a bitch twenty"
she listened for a while and so it went on, "The son of a bitch is..........."
appalled at this she went to the school and complained to the Maths teacher about the inapropriate mathematical language her son was using, and after repeating what her son had been saying, the teacher laughed and said...

"we'll have to have a few words with him over that...........what he is supposed to be saying is"............ " The Sum of which is"....................

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(OK - I'll get me coat)

A woman was screaming at her husband...

"LEAVE!! Get out of this house!"

As he was walking out the door she yelled

"I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He replied...... "So now you want me to stay?"

:-D

in the pub..........

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be wanting another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?' asked O"Flaherty

:-D

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children,
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, start talking .... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"


WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them…They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

I liked this little one in the DM

I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before I met her. :-D