General Chat

At one of the better clubs in London, a young man comes up to an older one
and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm told you were with the India Regiments
during the great days of the British Empire. I've always been fascinated
by that period. Would you mind chatting with me about it for a bit?"

The older man huffs a bit and replies, "Really damned decent of at least
some of you youngsters to take in interest in what we old duffers have to
say. What would you like to know?"

"Well, sir, perhaps you could tell me the most exciting thing that ever
happened to you."

"The most exciting thing, eh. I suppose that would be the time I got
separated from my regiment in the Khyber Pass and had to go on foot in
search of them. About the third day, I came around a bend in the trail to
come face to face at close range with huge tiger. Just as I saw him, he
reared on his hind legs and went 'RROWWWR!!' By Jove, I fouled my
britches!"

"I would too, sir, if I were suddenly faced by a tiger like that."

"No, no. Not then, just now when I went RROWWWR!"

lololol

There but for.......

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake. struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this, went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd.

The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

:-D

is it permissable to groan at that one?

Yes...groan lol :-)

a tourist is driving around ireland when he comes to a ford in the river
there is a local sitting on the fence nearby so he asks him how deep the water is

oh no more than 4 or 5 inches the local replies so the tourist drives in and before he knew it the water was pouring in through his open windows
he yells at the local i thought you said only 4 or 5 inches

i dont understand that the local says


"it only comes halfway up the ducks"

nugge

The WolfMan comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked
meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat,
okay?! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and
just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to
herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." :-D
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How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy.
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I was considering having a brain transplant but I changed my mind..
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According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvlQYi5LoYM&feature=youtu.be

A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks Why in the world are you walking Around like this?
...
The cowboy says, Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..... So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
Now go to town cowboy.

And here I am.

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!
First time I have ever seen a Blonde Man Joke !

The Black Bra (as told by a married woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend : The other night when my
boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams..
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress :
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story : When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

This is one I put on the boards way back in 2009.. so sorry if you have heard it..

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's bu**ered, you might as well go fishing.'

Joke from a friend. :-D


For Sale by Owner:
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica
Excellent condition, but no longer needed;
New wife knows everything.
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Paddy said to Mick "I've found this pen, is it yours?"

Mick replied "Don't know, give it here." He then tried it and said, "Yes it is"

Paddy then asked "How do you know?"

Mick replied, "It's my handwriting"
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though." :-D :-D :-D

The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in
Borneo.

The missionary asked the chief, "Do you people know anything about
religion?"

After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when
the last missionary was here..." :-D
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Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little "vague"up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!" :-D :-D
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PMSL

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady."I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

:-D :-D :-D :-D Persie

Oh my, Persie....... :-0 :-D

Lol Persie :-D :-D :-D

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom