General Chat

"Ey up then, Lad. Hast thee travelled far to these 'ere parts?"

far and wide for a long long time gasped Eldrick - I'm mking my way home to Scoltand but some dreadful things have occurred on my journey - too many to talk about - any idea how far Scotland is?

About 400 miles lad ,thees going in wrong direction. with that disappointment he wandered along till he came to a priory,and after much thought decided to have a look what was inside,went in and chatted to some monks,which was odd because it was a silent order,they looked at his poor neeps and told him he could rest awhile there till his neeps and onions had repaired themselves or dropped off,so the fed him and gave him somewhere to rest his body whilst plotting to make him a fully fledged monk.but they warned him against any hanky panky with their housekeeper she was rather large and there in penitence for misbehaving with her intended and he had done a runner, imagine the shock and horror when he saw her and realised that she was

Big Bertha's mother!!!! dear God he thought - will I ever shake that family off - he bided his time until he was alone and donning a monk's habit he crept through the cloisters and made his getaway through the monastery gates - not till the buuilding was out of sight did he pause for a rest and tried to work out which way was North - he had to wait for the sun to set to give him some indication and as that was a few hours off he lay down in some ferns, which were quite concealing and fell into a deep sleep - when he woke he

was surrounded by women! At least 50 of them. They were all carrying laptops, phones, ipods and other gadgets

Eldrick was horrified! "Who are you, and what do you want?"

"We are the WIFI"

'WIFI?"

"Yes, the Women's Institute Family Investigators. We have been following your progress over the last week, and after much debate, have decided you

Deserve a medal & a break after all you have suffered so we are going to take you to Scotland in a white Rolls Royce & as you travel you can rest your poor onions , neeps & tatties, & we have provided a beautiful maiden
to be your
;-) ;-) ;-)

companion on the journey,she will provide for all

your needs Eldrick thought Whey Hey Iv'e landed on my feet this time ;-) ;-) & he started to check if

all his bits and pieces were in the right place,
cos he didn't want to be

all in a flurry with his neeps, onions, tatties and road kill about his person, nah he needed to look reem for those young ladies from TOWIE who were to go with him in the white Rolls Royce or was it a long long limo, not to Scotland where it was cold and raining but to Big Mamas spray tan booth and then on to

buy the book wot everyone is talking about (and reading) to improve his

Nigella Lawsons Latest Cookery Book which would be educational in learning how to care and cook Neeps and Onions with out burning them so that BB would stop chasing him and leave him to her so she could

open the tripe and black pudding shop that she had always hankered after and which he thought was an offal idea.

Still, if it kept her amused he would

offal joke ;/ Be able to keep his hands on his tripe & onions so she could help him play with his tatties oh sheer bliss as he looked down & felt something crawling up his

trouser leg. With a horrified gasp he realised that he wasn't wearing trousers: he was still using the dirty habit which he had picked up from the Monastery where the monks had shown so much interest in his neeps.

Eldricks imagination ran wild! Could that crawling sensation mean that he was about to fall prey to that hitherto mythical creature, the neep nicker of the North?

Eldrick jumped up and

grabbing his neeps, and holding steadfastly onto his tatties, he stumbled, still clutching his dirty habit, towards the nearby town, where he hoped to find a bookshop and purchase a copy of the filthy book he had heard the Towies talking about. Then he would find a hardware store to purchase a length of rope so he could

paint it fifty shades of grey. This may make him a fortune if he could only write about the experience.

But would people believe such a tale?

Still it takes all sorts; but first he had to find

a big buxom local lass,wearing big red bloomers,must conceal my dirty habits within her billowing bloomers.oh please sir,you cant do that,
bnecause.....

You can't make a habit of hiding behind my bloomers. Besides it's turned ten o'clock and I am late.

"Aha!" thought Eldrick, "A late bloomer"

(I'm doing my best..honestly. And my emoticons keep coming and going!)

So Eldrick hurried into the town where he saw

A sign "Ye Olde Bookshop" pushed open the door to the sound of a big bell
there behind the counter was