Genealogy Chat

Added by Joan Allan on 06/08/2006 02:11:10 Hiya everyone I am a researcher who helps adoptees find their roots. I helped an adoptee about a year ago who was searching. I found his father in Australia within about 20 minutes. They have had a brilliant relationship since then and only last week my adoptee along with his wife, father and his wife called to visit me. All brilliant it seems but birth mother still a bit 'off'. Birth father made contact with birth mother about a month ago and he got a not very nice response. I got a phone call from bmum accusing me of releasing her identifying information (which I did not). It appears bfather has still got friends in the area and had been keeping 'tabs' on her. He wanted to contact her because he was coming to the UK to visit their son. She didn't want to know. My adoptee and his father told me they were visiting the area where bmum was and I rang and asked bmum if she wanted to meet her son. 'No, I am not ready' was the reply. Two days ago (within about 2 weeks of me ringing her) I got a letter from bmum to be forwarded to her son. It looks very positive at the moment and I hope all will turn out well for all involved. Just goes to show that sometimes a 'kick up the backside' might work. I don't normally go along with this but in this case it has proved positive as the letter from bmum has given a contact address so the adoptee can contact her direct now. Good luck and God bless that all will work out favourably for all involved. Added by **Mel in Oz** on 06/08/2006 02:37:36 Hi Jess, No my BM is in the UK. I understand that I probably do sound I a little bit here and there. But once a month or 6 weeks would not be a full on relationship I do not think, a quick email to shoot the breeze so to speak. One that just acknowledges that I am here and she gives me a thought from time to time. And I am not saying that she has to every month without fail ! And I am not saying it has to be a novel either. I believe her emails every 10 or so weeks is not much at all. Four emails a year might as well not send them at all. I speak to my postman more than 4 times a year and I don't have a relationship with him lol . I in real life seem a very composed person, happy go lucky, always laughing and come across that I don't have a care in the world. On here I seem like a sooky person full of problems. No wonder I sound confusing I am to myself.!!!!!!!!! LOL Cya Mel Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 06/08/2006 08:31:02 mel, i suppose another slant on this maybe that B/m does want more...ad knows its pointless wanting more as you are on the other side of the world. I think you are lucky to get what you do,and guess many would agree, those of us that were promised a relationship and that she didn't mind us knowing about her, and then in the next breath, ''get out of my life, i wnat nothing more to do with you''. I still send my B/M a christmas card, out of sheer 'something' - i'm not sure 'what' quite!) and recieve zero in return, in fact she may even be dead now - last year i did put 'please return to sender if no longer at this address', although it didn't comeback I assume she is still there - too far for me to go and check! (elec roll says yes) can you be pleased with 'something'? rather than nothing? I'd love a 2 line note, just once a year!! Just so i knew she was still alive and breathing!! By the way, you jave no more problems than the rest of us!- We all have that little something that troubles us deep inside, whatever we present to the rest of the world. Jess x Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 06/08/2006 12:59:14 hi jess i too send xmas cards and b,day card to the birth family i found but never get anything in return only from 1 and 2 other birth family members also keep intouch.it is disheartning when you put in all the effort and they not even agnoladge you,as iv said before the first year was full on and i treasure the cards i recieved from then cus it looks like ill never get anymore hugs bacardi xxxx Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 06/08/2006 14:37:12 hi everyone I have ben reading the last few entries re communnication or the lack of, from my point of view I have contact with my new brother fairly frequently by phone he does not use the computor has not mastered it as yet ( a late developer I guess). his daughter e-mails me quite frequently, but as my birth mother is dead I have no idea if she would have wanted any contact with me and if she did how much she would have wanted, from what I gather I was very much a secret, and as I am older (64) I can understand what it may have been like for her in the 40's. I feel very sad for those of you who do have contact then it fades away, perhaps they have developed a life without us and letting us in is difficult for them. I know what a shock it was for me to find out I was adopted so late in life(62) and that all the people with the correct personal information being dead. what I have come slowly to understand one may understand the reasons for being given up for adoption but some days it hurts, some days it makes one angry, and other days I for one am so thankfull for the family I belong to and always thought of as mine, as I can trace my family back to the 1600's I am now reseraching as much as possible this new family to see how far back I can go. It is a beautiful sunny but not schorching hot day here in barrie canada and I am reminded that all in all I have been blessed with a good life , I went with my son and daughter in law to pick up the youngest grandchild at summer camp, and when I saw them all to-gether at the lake side the adoption issue faded a little I am just grandma dee to Ian he loves me for me, not for what background I came from. sorry I am going on to long I wish you all better contact if that is what you want, maybe the answer is to keep up your end and enjoy what rplies you do get, sometimes it takes people a long time to relax and enjoy us I guess bye for now dorothy

what I have come slowly to understand one may understand the reasons for being given up for adoption but some days it hurts, some days it makes one angry, and other days I for one am so thankfull for the family I belong to and always thought of as mine, as I can trace my family back to the 1600's I am now reseraching as much as possible this new family to see how far back I can go. It is a beautiful sunny but not schorching hot day here in barrie canada and I am reminded that all in all I have been blessed with a good life , I went with my son and daughter in law to pick up the youngest grandchild at summer camp, and when I saw them all to-gether at the lake side the adoption issue faded a little I am just grandma dee to Ian he loves me for me, not for what background I came from. sorry I am going on to long I wish you all better contact if that is what you want, maybe the answer is to keep up your end and enjoy what rplies you do get, sometimes it takes people a long time to relax and enjoy us I guess bye for now dorothy Added by Sinead Graham on 06/08/2006 15:14:02 hi there. my mum was adopted. she told myself and my 2 brothers when we were old enough to understand. she told us that her parents were irish (her mum was only 19 and her parents didn't know) her mum came over to england and gave birth to my mum in a catholic maternity home. it states kendal, westmorland on her adopted birth certificate. sadly my mum passed away at 44 in 2003. ever since then a part of me has always wanted to know about her mum, why she gave mum up for adoption, to tell her that her eldest child had died, to tell her she is a great grandmother, but a part of me is scared at what my reaction would be should that day ever come and what my family would think. mum never wanted to know about her real mum so unsure what to do. any tips Added by Too blooming hot . on 06/08/2006 15:36:49 Another note on communication My b/m lives alone although has a friend who stays a couple of nights a week. She also had a great love for many years who died about 10 years ago and she'd changed her name is his. As far as all her friends and acquaintances are concerned she was married to this person and childless which generated a lot of sympathy and she also inherited quite a bit of money from this person. She naturally anxious that her friends and acquaintances don't find out her true situation. So one of the conditions of having contact with her is that we should not jeopardise her standing with her friends and acuqaintances so any communication or visits have to be carefully stagemanaged so no-one has an inkling of the true situation. I have no problems with that as an adopted child I can't see the point of ruining her life at this late stage for the sake of a brief visit perhaps but I do know it riles some of the others greatly which I can also understand their point of view too. Added by Donna King on 06/08/2006 22:36:07 Hi to all Been reading all the communication thoughts. Have very mixed feelings on it myself. I know my emotions go up and down, so always view that birth familys emotions do to. At the moment I feel down but more due to relationship with adopted mother. About 21years ago we rowed and she told me no daughter of hers would behave the way I do. Every now and then this hurt comes back to haunt. They had had 2 babies that did not survive (very sad) and I was their only adopted child. I am left even after all these years gutted by her words. I have always lived by the thought be so careful of what you say as you may live to regret it one day, if really mad or upset try to chill out before acting. Donna Added by Pain In The.... on 06/08/2006 23:23:50 Hi Eileen No you did not put me off. My brain couldnt take it all in. I looked at setting up some sites but I couldnt afford it. I would have liked to have set up one of those free sites (so that people didnt have to pay to leave a message) but they didnt have enough room. I really wanted a free one (for other people) because I think it is unfair to charge people to leave messages. Im sorry that I cant do it Jayne Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 06/08/2006 23:36:47 hi all there are some free sites were you can leave messages and adoptees help and support each other and you can set 1 up yourself and im sure its free.its on the m.s.n site hope i can put that bacardi xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 07/08/2006 18:46:30 to Pain in the ... Jayne Sorry not been on for a couple of days. Sorry that you cannot do the site too. Would not have a clue how to do it myself.Willo try to bother sin-in-law (not married to my daughter) who is good with computers, and see if can get any ideas from him. Main problem is that when I ask him computer stuff, I can't understand the answer lol. Eileen PS - Whats been happening to Jess on General Board again? Why does she get targetted and not the rest of us. I looked back just now, but can't see any of the postings so they must have been deleted. ~Give us names and shame them........... Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 07/08/2006 21:38:47 hi all iv not seen what been happening to jess,but have seen threads before targating her,hope you ok jess bacardi xx

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 07/08/2006 21:38:47 hi all iv not seen what been happening to jess,but have seen threads before targating her,hope you ok jess bacardi xx Added by Rebecca Carter on 07/08/2006 23:38:49 Hello all hope everyones ok Donna... I know what you mean. My relationship with my adoptive father is strained/poor to none existent at the moment. Sadly my adoptive Mum died just over a month after my 16th birthday and when I became pregnant at 19 it was too much for my adoptive father. He still now curses the day when I met my now 7 year old daughters father, made quite a nasty comment (from my point of view at least) when she was about 2 and devouring lots of cucumber (which gives him awful indigestion) that you could tell that she wasnt related to him because of her love of cucumber. He sends her birthday and christmas cards, signed in his first name not grandad so they go on very high shelves where she cant read them as I she strangely enough thinks the sun shines out of his... hur-hurmmm! and I dont want to have to explain to her why he doesnt think of her as his grandchild. He thinks by me getting pregnant (and no doubt following in my BM's footsteps with being so young) I let my A.mum down. I disagree. I was in my 2nd year of uni at the time, had her 2 days after my finals, had a year off when my mates did their year in industry, and went back with them, and my daughter, and finished my degree - sucks boo to you!!! As I've got older I think its more him and his attitude towards my daughter and I that lets my A. Mum down. I am now in contact with my BM and b.siblings and b.family (varies a lot from person to person on the frequency) and my daughter has more grandads than she knows what to do with. If you include my recently deceased B.F who I havent met and my partners parents she has 6 Grandads, one being a great grandad and she loves it! sorry for my long rant! Had to get it off my chest before bed good night sweet dreams! R x Added by Pain In The.... on 08/08/2006 00:15:26 Hi Bacardi, what is m.s.n. site? Hi Eileen. I need someone sat next to me to explain things. I am thinking about going on a course in September (for computers) so I havent given up yet. Jayne Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 08/08/2006 01:03:29 hi I very seldom go on the general board so if some one is up to tricks upsetting jess and in turn all of us they should just grow up and get a life, we on this board excuse me for speaking for all of you need people like jess, I don't know what I would have done without her and others like her on this thread I for one am very grateful for this site long may it go on , goodnight from canada dorothy Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 08/08/2006 10:32:42 will p.m you pain with details here here dorothy,this thread is invaluble to people who need help and support through the reconnection of birth familys,i think every ones wonderfull on this thread,its like another little family bacardi xx Added by Donna King on 08/08/2006 11:09:02 Hello everyone. Not seen what has been going on with Jess. I personally think she has done a fantastic job with this thread and is so needed by us all. Rebecca Your reply brought tears to my eyes. Know just how you feel. Here is a hug for you. Donna Added by Rebecca Carter on 08/08/2006 19:56:09 Thanks for the Hug Donna ((( HUG ))) one back for you :o) Rebecca x Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 08/08/2006 21:40:02 Hi My firends. i popped in tonight just to say hello to you guys- Kinda went off and left you in the lurch - i'm still a member so, if you want me, message me. My adoption has never been an 'isue' with me - i was adopted , and that was all there was to it.Didn't mean had 3 arms or two noses, and unless i chose to tell people, they didnt know- nor did they need to. I came to this site looking for birth siblings ( and birth father originally) and when i very first posted about my BF some replied, rather abruptly, that if i had no idea where my own father was born , then i might as well give up...that was what spawned the very first thread in what has now become 5 threads the title of that thread , the very first one, was a little different to this. it was called ADOPTED AND NOT ASHAMED - I wasnt then , and i am certainly not now. As I said, my adoption has never been an issue UNTIL NOW - when others (members of this site) have chosen do make it so. it isnt something i have ever encountered before, nor really know how to deal with - at the moment i do feel hurt that someone can be so unkind, as to torment me about something that i cannot change ,-You know, if i was fat i could diet, if they called me copperknob i could dye my hair blonde etc etc... I cant change the fact that i was adopted - nor would i want to, i think it has made me what i am in part, and certainly had the best Mum and Dad ever. Bear with me whilst i come to terms with what all this nastiness has made e feel, and if anyone has any experience of how to cope, pleae let me know. I'm around, looking in occasionally and will check in everyday for messages. Will be back with you soon - just one more issue to get my head round i suppose! Lots of love Jess xx

Bear with me whilst i come to terms with what all this nastiness has made e feel, and if anyone has any experience of how to cope, pleae let me know. I'm around, looking in occasionally and will check in everyday for messages. Will be back with you soon - just one more issue to get my head round i suppose! Lots of love Jess xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 08/08/2006 22:06:58 To those who have targetted Jess I have no idea what you said as I was not on the other night, but please note that Jess and many others give a lot of time and thought to helping people, perhaps you would be better employed doing the same - so before you start on her again read and think about the following:- Adoption - not an issue in the accepted sense of the word for any of us adoptees - ADOPTED - obviously some sort of an ISSUE, for some readers - DISCRIMINATION - bad for all of us whether we are black, white, yellow, all shades of brown, adopted, red-haired, disabled, of any sort of religious belief. For God's sake - whichever God you believe in - we all have to live on this planet in some sort of harmony, from the smallest compromise to things that involve nations. If we do not learn to live in harmony with eachother we cannot have the sort of peaceful pleasant lives most of us want for ourselves and for our children. Bullies do not, in the end, prosper. An old fashioned saying is 'what goes around, comes around' Even older were two characters in literature, Mrs. Do-as-you-would-be done -by, and Mrs Be-done-by-as-you-did 'Think on.'.........as they say in the North Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 08/08/2006 23:02:25 hi all i dont understand why people make adoption as issue to most of us adoptees its one of those paths that we had no choice in and most of us had wonderfull adoptive parents.its things that happen in our own lives that makes us want to search for our birth familys,usually having our own children leads us on our search we are all glad you are still with us jess and you have a lot of support from us hugs bacardi xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 08/08/2006 23:40:31 Well said Bacardi - and in a lot less words than it took me - as I said, I missed the postings that led to the latest hassle. I have to say that I find it difficult to imagine what anyone can say by way of comment on part of someone's life that was totally beyond their control. (((hugs))) to all adoptees whatever they are doing Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 09/08/2006 01:33:18 hi everyone I am known to my friends as a quiet kind of person well I have just put my thoughts on the treatment of jess on the general board and hope that whoever is doing this kind of things stops, boy my blood is boiling I cannot tolerate bullies glad to hear the postive respones from you all goodnight dorothy Added by Donna King on 09/08/2006 10:43:38 Cannot understand why some people have such an issue with adoption. After all no child asks to be born. As for people on this site that have to be so nasty, there is another saying which is IF YOU CANNOT FIND ANYTHING NICE TO SAY JUST DONT SAY ANYTHING. Feel better now after saying that. Hope Jess is soon back with us all. Hugs to all fellow adoptees. Donna Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 09/08/2006 12:01:19 hi all as you can see jess we can not stand nastyness and bullying and we are with you till the end,i think you are all so lovely on this thread hugs to all my friends bacardi xx Added by Margaret Rider on 09/08/2006 21:06:29 Hi everyone A message for Donna - So sorry to hear about your mixed emotions regarding your adopted mother. I have never been 'good enough' for my own adopted Mum who is now in her 99th year and it's still going on to this day which saddens me greatly. She lost her own child before adopting me and I was told at quite an early age I was a replacement but I somehow didn't come up to what she really wanted and that was a 'companion' for life! I have been haunted over all these years by things she has said about me being adopted but then says how much she loves me. Perhaps some people shouldn't adopt? My adopted father was so lovely but unfortunately died the night before my 16th birthday so I didn't have him for long. I can relate to how you are feeling and words do haunt you whether you want them to or not. Margaret.

To everyone - There is another thing that I have been feeling uncomfortable about and that is people not using their own names on this site. I naturally don't want to UPSET anyone but I think it would be nice if we all did this and that we are quite open to who we are. We all try and help each other so I think we don't need to use anything other than our name. Added by Donna King on 10/08/2006 09:37:31 Hello everyone Yes I think you are right Margaret some people should not adopt, they have to much emotional baggage. I often feel my adoptive mother loved having the baby/child but floundered by the time I reached 15! She says she loves me, but on the other hand she expects me to live to her measures of how she thinks I should be. Sadly my eldest son has fallen foul of this with them at the moment, poor lad he has dared to go and live with his girlfriend and they now go on and on about how disloyal he his. Am I an odd mum? As I feel I have done a good job if he feels confident at 18 to leave home (he comes back to visit lots, even still babysits his little sisters). Yes I wish he was a little older, but it is his life. Maybe I am being over sensitive as my own emotions are in a turmoil with both by adoptive parents and birth mum at the moment. Donna Added by Margaret Rider on 10/08/2006 11:14:05 Hello everyone Firstly I do hope that I haven't hurt anyone and I would never want to do that about my wording in my last message at the bottom but I honestly would feel more at home knowing a person's own name if they could just sign the bottom i.e. like Jess does. This is such a sensitive site I really think it's important to feel more at ease. -------- Donna you have been having a rough time. My mother has somehow taken a dislike to my son who left home a number of years ago, why I have no idea other than that he is a male and that he just hasn't the time to drive 100 miles each way to see her regularly. She has always had a Victorian attitude to life which has been very difficult at times. Try and not to think too much about it if you can, you know where your son is and that he visits frequently. He isn't being disloyal your son is just trying to live his own life now. Yes we have views on how we want our children to live but what matters is that we are around to support them. I have an 18 yr old grandson but if he wished to live with his girlfriend I would go along and support him even if I wasn't quite happy about it and I wouldn't say he was disloyal but would have wished that he was a little older and enjoyed his freedom before settling down with anyone. Margaret Added by Donna King on 10/08/2006 13:20:24 Message for Margaret, thanks for what you said, has made me feel better about myself as a mum. Hugs to you. Donna Added by Margaret Rider on 10/08/2006 17:02:43 Glad I could help you a little Donna. Keep your chin up. Margaret Added by Pain In The.... on 10/08/2006 19:09:07 Hi Everyone I dont know if you have seen my thread, title 'new adoption contact site'. I have managed to set one up. Please take a look and let me know what you think. Jayne Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/08/2006 21:53:15 Don't know where to look Jayne, what is the name of the new site Eileen Added by Pain In The.... on 10/08/2006 22:25:07 Hi Eileen I have nudged my thread up. Jayne Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 10/08/2006 22:47:25 a little advice please on comunication again my sister in law texed me tonight,a very nice tex said she would love to hear from me,i stopped texing her cus she never replyed to my texes,the last tex i had must of been 2yrs ago.i oftern tex my brother but i know he never has credit and she does,its like she wont let him use her fone to tex me back.the thing is i dont know were i stand with them,and that its them that control the contact between us.im fed up of if they tex i reply straight away and thats how its been for 3yrs shall i tex her back or let her stew a bit or not bother as always i value your comments ang x Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/08/2006 23:31:36 Bacardi - just text her back in a friendly chatty way, its no good trying 'payback' tactics really. Many people have very little notion of how fast time goes, and how long it is since they wrote, or rang etc. It occurs to me quite guiltily every so often, that I haven't written to my half-sister in Canada. I think about her often, but its when I'm cooking, or driving, or minding grandson, or gardening, etc, and of course by the time that activity is over, another one has taken its place. I don't have 'textability' and she does not 'do' computors. A half bro. is the same with regard to technology. The half-bro that I have long msn chats with has not popped up on my screen for about two months, but I haven't on his either. I have been busy moving house and with immediate family comings and goings, and he will be making the most of the long summer hours, hiking, canoeing and training his sledge dog team etc. What I'm trying to say is that people are not usually ignoring one as a positive thing, just wrapped up in the here and now etc. and would probably be amazed and sorry if they thought you thought that. love from a laid back Eileen who is writing this, and still not writing to my half-sister. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 10/08/2006 23:37:04 many thanks eileen thats help me decide im going to tex her tomorrow it a bit late now.i sometimes think im a bit irrational and forget that people have busy lives write that letter now,and make that some one special feel great bacardi xxxx

, hiking, canoeing and training his sledge dog team etc. What I'm trying to say is that people are not usually ignoring one as a positive thing, just wrapped up in the here and now etc. and would probably be amazed and sorry if they thought you thought that. love from a laid back Eileen who is writing this, and still not writing to my half-sister. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 10/08/2006 23:37:04 many thanks eileen thats help me decide im going to tex her tomorrow it a bit late now.i sometimes think im a bit irrational and forget that people have busy lives write that letter now,and make that some one special feel great bacardi xxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/08/2006 23:41:53 Wading through knee deep, or even thigh deep guilt, will go off-line shortly and do a letter on the word-processor thingy bit of the computor. Eileen Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/08/2006 10:44:47 hi elieen hope you got that letter written ang xx Added by **Mel in Oz** on 11/08/2006 12:29:28 Hi Barcari, Sorry to intrude, but I always love to read all your posts and do not always write if my life is quite ( good but quite). But I hope you have also done your text, I also try and hold out on replying to BM soet of a how do you like it senerio. But where does it get you in the end - no where. Hope everyone is happy and most of all heathy Cya Mel Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/08/2006 12:35:44 hi mel i agree totally with you,im not going to sink to there level im just to nice to ingore my family,going to tex her in a bit bacardi xx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/08/2006 13:53:37 hi all just texed my sis in law said id fone her soon for a chat and texed me brother just have to wait see if i hear back probly be another year or 2 before i get a response bacardi x Added by Eileen Bowman on 11/08/2006 22:35:50 Oh gosh Bacardi and friends - here I am at 10.30 p.m. and no letter written today either. What happened to good intentions? Last night was quite late and better half wanted to turn in as the builders would be here early today - they were - some time spent this a.m. seeing to hens, working out stuff with builders, measuring up things and arguing with better half about measuring in metric or inches. Decisions and measurements done, off to B & Q for a bicker - No actually we did not bicker this time, unlike quite a lot of couples you see in there. Anyway lots of stuff to buy - tiles, border, grout, lights, paint etc. Then in to Hereford to get other stuff that b & Q don't sell, like his special baccy, and a bathroom heater from Argos. An hours drive home, then find that everyone else who can drive is out at work, and have to drive daughter to pub for evening shift, back home and listen to Archers, unload car - tiles are heavy and best beloved not supposed to lift stuff since his second hernia in same place - gather up grandson, who lives with us, and off to chippy in Llan'dod, hope he does not tell his mother!! Back with f&c - eat, letting grandson have chips with organic tom.ketchup. Put grandson to bed, at least an hour after he should have been, read stories - 6 - go out to shut up hens and collect eggs, five today well done girls. On to computor, and here we are again. Tomorrow we start painting new room, also oldest son and wife are due for visit tomorrow for several nights. They should have been sleeping in new room, but its not quite ready so will have to put dining room furniture in corner of sitting room and put futon in dining room. they can use the loo in the new room en suite, but not the shower etc as electrician not here til next week and tiling will not be done as sin-in-law putting down laminate, he has done the bathroom already bless him, he's out driving ambulance on night shift now, so won't be up early tomorrow. If only half sister was on e-mail, communication would be simple. By the way, look at the new certificate exchange site www(,)certificate(-)exchange(.)co(.)uk remove brackets. Eileen Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 11/08/2006 22:39:19 Blimey Eileen- mind you dont go into self destruct! Added by Eileen Bowman on 11/08/2006 23:01:04 zoom! fizz! bang! just did, Jess - just realised that have to stay up until 1 or 2 a.m. as daughter will finish late at pub it being a Friday, also that no.2 daughter and boyfriend are due back from doing a gig to do with the Eisteddford, at around 1, and will need bacon sarnies and tea in quantities, at least boyfriend will as he will have been singing and playing guitar, daughter is veggie, so will thaw out some Linda Mac bangers for her. Fizz - bang- whosh - in orbit now Eileen

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 12/08/2006 10:49:14 hi elieen im sure you will get round to writting that letter when you have time,its sounds as though you are very busy at the mo dont forget to take a break and have a cuppa and a choci bickie hugs ang xxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 12/08/2006 22:46:10 Hi Bacardi - been trying to keep off the choccie biks. but did give in to temptation today as spent nearly all day hoovering up plaster dust, and damp dusting the whole house. Just finished secretly eating bikkis when oldest daughter brought me a bacon sarnie, so I had to eat it too. Had eaten about half, and it was very good, when had to answer 'phone, came back and found the cat had licked all the butter out of sarnie, and was starting on bacon. Guess it was some sort of higher being watching over my hip-line. On a more serious note, did anyone catch the radio prog. this a.m. about how we view our parents. There was a man on it who had been adopted and his views and reasons for his search, and how he felt about what he had found, were very interesting. Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 13/08/2006 00:27:34 hi eileen just read your latest messages on line you are one busy lady hope all the home improvements go well, had a laugh about your grandson he has you wrapped around his little finger, favourite food going to bed late, but then I just had the youngest grandson on a sleep over, two movies in two days, hit every junk food place, bought two pairs of sneakers ( trainers) one for outside and one for inside school (school rules) two pairs of shorts on sale well you just can't buy one pair, a watch for school digital please grandma what can I say I had a great time, the older two are coming home from camp to-day, we shall be going shopping for back to school stuff , being a grandma is just great, a note to all moms yes I spoil them a bit but not all the time. bye dorothy Added by Jd Done on 13/08/2006 08:47:39 Nudged for Simon Added by Simon Bird on 13/08/2006 10:39:59 I am an adoptee and had already discovered a lot of details about my birth mother from various resources. I had never thought to search her name on Genes Reunited but when I did, there she was. The big questions facing me now - should I send her a message ? How should I word it ? I recently posted a thread on the 'Success' board and have already had some helpful replies. A number of respondees pointed me towards this thread. Apologies if it has been covered before but : What I would really like to know from other adoptees who found their birth parents details on Genes Reunited is how you went about the initial contact ? Would you do it any different if you had a second chance ? It is over 50 years since my adoption so it could be a bit of a shock to suddenly get a message from your child. I will only get one chance at this so any advice would be welcomed. Added by Nicola Wood on 13/08/2006 12:09:59 hi new adoptee here ( nicky ) could some one tell me as have no clue what dose ss mean ,i think it counseling that i have been told i need but ,but what u meant 2 say to them and no i dont have chip any more but i will say i did and if any one said no the ur indenial ,but would like to no where or who to talk 2 because i do detatch from my own family even my own children witch is noy fair as ona of 11 and one of 6 and all thay want is me but i find it hard some days and dont no thay are and have never been the prob , am i the only one who dose that ? and puts barrers up when fells a thrett or freind s or family say or do somethink we dont like ?or is that just me . thanks must go redecurating the hall what fun, thanks nicky or as freinds call me (nicknocks ) Added by **Mel in Oz** on 13/08/2006 13:07:59 Hi Simon You do need to tread carefully as you may be sending a message to someone who knows nothing about you. Hard I know. I sent my message to ???? ( turned out to be my birth Cousin ) who had my BM name in her tree and lucky for me, did know about me. I sent the message asking if Birth Mother was in the area of ***** in the year if ???? and had made friends with a young girl called ( my birth name ) to someone who did not know about me it would have meant nothing and maybe the person would have asked birth mother about it. I myself would have done it exactly the same if I had to do it over but what works for some does not work for all. I now have contact with her and my BC. Hope this helps, though I am sure there will be more advice on this subject really soon, probably some better. Let us know how you go with it Simon, as there is always someone here to chat to. Cya Mel

I wonder if anyone else is the same as me! I was adopted (1946) by wonderful adoptive parents and had a very happy childhood. I don't remember a time when I didn't know that I was adopted. I married at 21 and sadly we found we couldn't have children but straight away applied to adopt. We have 3 children, all adopted and now grown up! We always talked about adoption and have said we will give them all the info we were given about them, but wont actively help them search if that is what they want to do. None have said they would like to search. However! I now feel a great need to know where I come from, where my roots are! It's turning 60 this year ! I have no known blood relatives. I have got my original birth cert and have found my birth mothers (99% certain it's hers). This weekend I have discovered this site and found her name on a family tree and am wondering what to do next? Any advice? Mary. Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 13/08/2006 17:26:02 Simon & mary - can you do a bit of hunting around her circumstances before you contact her ? I managed to find out the my B?M lived alone and was widowed.(Knew she'd re-married after my birth) I knew pretty well that she was alone in the house, and no-one else could have intercepted the letter. You say she is on here - is it her that has entered herself?, or someone that has simply included her in their tree, in which case it could be anyone you are contacting. be careful, keep things vague perhaps initially 'looking for a mrs thinggy Wotsit that lived in Flumphamsted in 1945'' establish who it is you are actually messaging and try and gauge how much they might know? her mothers cousins great uncle Ernie wouldnt have a clue, however a subsequent son or daughter might (do you see what i am getting at? Any chance you can track down a snail mail address? (its not hard, if its a reasonably unsual name!) Jess Added by Donna King on 13/08/2006 18:12:21 Hi Simon and Mary An assigned counsellor (SP?) is a huge help. Adoptees prior to 1975 looking for their records are supposed to have one. I initially rang Norcap for advice, it is well worth it. You do need to tread carefully, you only get the one chance. I found a half sister through a site like this by chance, she was looking for someone with the same name, and l contacted her, we soon realised we were half sisters. Fortunately I was not too much of a shock for her, and she put me in touch with my birth father who luckily was ok about everything. I consider myself lucky it went okay, and having found my birth mother through the right channels, I would say it is easier as you have someone to talk things through with beforehand. Good luck to you both. Donna Added by Too blooming hot . on 13/08/2006 19:39:57 Hi all Just a note to say be very aware of the emotional upheaval in your lives when you do contact a birth relative. You may think you won't be affected that much - but believe me you are. If you can have an other half or great friend to confide in and talk it over - mind you Jess and the others here are pretty good too. Regarding the birth parent on here - have a look and see whether she is the member (look it up and see who the person to contact is) - otherwise I agree with Jess's message content - make it really vague for the other person but with enough for bm to realise its you. Good Luck Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 13/08/2006 21:03:07 hi all some very good advice as always for simon and mary i cantacted my birth aunties through this site and we are still intouch most days after a year and a half. i know its not the same as contacting such a close relative as b/m or b/d and i would tread carefully,i also agree with the emotional comments that was posted,i dont think any one can prepare you for that and i still strggle to cope with my emotions after 3yrs of contact with my birth siblings good luck to you both and we are always here if you need us and as always that applies to all my friends on this thread hugs ang xx

Added by Simon Bird on 13/08/2006 22:53:18 I am so glad I found you all. The advice has been extremely helpful and thought provoking. I am still 50:50 as to whether I should go through Social Services, who have to their credit surpassed what limited expectations I had of them, or do I go alone and make direct contact via GR, as carefully as I can ? In answer to Jess - I have my BM's address and know who she lives with. I have done her tree going back a couple of generations. What is strange is that she is listed with her name, place of birth and year of birth on Genes Reunited with a tree in her first name BUT none of her relatives are listed as being on a tree. I deduce from this that she has a tree just with her details on it. Mary - good luck. Strange we should both post almost simultaneously. My advice would be to do as much research as you can before making a decision. Try to do a tree - when you get nearer the current time line have a look at www.electoralrolluk as this was where I really hit the jackpot - name, address, phone number, others living at same address. Wow. Had never imagined I would get so far when I started. One question - where are all the blokes who were adopted ? I think out of all the advise received here and from my posting on the 'successes' message board there has only been one from a male ! Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 13/08/2006 23:00:51 hi simon when i contacted my birth siblings i wrote to the addresses i had asking for info on them and put my email address and mobile fone number.i think if you have her address i would write her a letter as this puts the ball in her court as if she wants contact.i think to contact your b/m through this site might be to much as a shock for her as if you write a letter she can also get use to the idea of you wanting contact,hope this helps a little iv also wonderd were all the male adoptees are good luck ang xx Added by **Mel in Oz** on 14/08/2006 06:21:55 Hi Simon, This could be totally wrong to say but I am sure you have already thought of it. But it does seem strange that she has only put her dettails onto a tree and none of the family. I am sure there could be quite a bit read into it ( which I am sure you have already done). Though there could be nothing in it at all. I am sorry to be of no help what so ever, I am probably just writing down your own thoughts. To Mary and Simon, This is just my thoughts and I am sure there may be other views but I think that you will know in your own heart when is the right time to make contact, and when you really do want it nothing will stop you from doing it that day. Cya Mel As for the male adoptees where is the Tinsel Knickered one ??? Added by Donna King on 14/08/2006 10:15:28 Hello to all Yes I have often wondered why there are more females looking for birth families than the males. Good luck to all Donna Added by ۞Darksecretz۞ . on 14/08/2006 20:23:24 nudging for someonewho needs you julie Added by Rebecca Carter on 14/08/2006 22:53:22 Hi Everyone Hope you're all well. Simon, When I first came on here - partly incase any of my birth family searched for my birth name, I just had me in my tree. Someone, who at the time I had no idea who they were had already put my older half birth brother on and myself. I knew about him as he was mentioned a few times in my notes. It was at least 6 months before I put my birth mother on my tree (who I couldnt find for love nor money on the search, although I knew she must have an entry for my brother and I to be on) and it was probably over a year before I put my daughter on my tree. I guess it depends why shes on. IF she using it as an 'Im out here' kind of thing then she may not have her family tree on and just be here as a point of contact. Hugs to everyone Rebecca x Added by Donna King on 16/08/2006 09:35:54 Just nudging the thread up. dded by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 16/08/2006 10:35:04 I am not going awol - jsut a new telephone provider- if they mess up the conection ( as they no doubt will!) i shall appear to be missing - I WILL be back Jess Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 16/08/2006 11:54:45 thats good to hear jess,that you will be back,take care for now ang xxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 16/08/2006 23:07:51 nudge - still searching for my full sister, Jennifer Ann ,born 22nd September 1945 in Woking, Surrey, our mother lived in Bisley We were adopted separately Eileen(birth name)

Added by Simon Bird on 17/08/2006 13:48:35 Hi there. It is decision time. I have had so many useful responses to my postings, both from adoptors and adoptees. I am not an emotional person but some I must say have been quite moving. Although everyone has had different experiences there is definitely a theme running through them and it boils down to, as Clint Eastwood said in Dirty Harry, 'You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky ?', My response is - I do feel lucky but want to avoid being shot if I can. It was very tempting to think I could just push a button and send an email to a Genes Reunited tree owner and enquire if she was my mother (I am 99% sure she is). However, as I only get one go at this, and I want to cut out the luck element as much as possible, I have decided to continue down the tried and tested (?) Social Services route and let the Councillor send an initial letter. Why reinvent the wheel if it has already been invented ? I will let you know how I get on. Keep up the good work. Simon Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 17/08/2006 14:52:51 hi simon i think personally you have made the right desision i wish you well in your journey and please keep us posted on any developments ang xxx Added by Donna King on 17/08/2006 15:14:16 Hi Simon Good luck. Personally think you are doing the right thing. Hope all goes well. Keep us all posted on how it goes. Donna Added by Sheila From Down Under on 18/08/2006 08:34:49 Hi Simon.... I had that bottle of chablis and it was very good and then I had another. As you know--- but the others do not, I as adopted in 1942 and found my B M in April this year after joining Genes this March, She is dead but her 85 year old sister is very much alive, I am one of the lucky ones in that all of them accept me , I ring them every other week and plan a trip to the U K next year. So my advise is to try, at least you will not die wondering ( what if) Sheila Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 18/08/2006 11:08:05 Simon -my two pen'orth, for what it is worth. I think you are going the right way, thru S/Services. i really wanted to do the initail letter myself, but my case worker siad it would be better coming from her - as it turned out B/M denied having me ( crossed wires she said!) which would have left me Nowhere to run. As it was s/w batted it straight back ( nicely) and sort of said ''C'mon'' - which did evoke the admission that she had indeed given birth to me BUT didnt want to know. Again, S/W bounced it back appealing to her better nature ( ''we all makes mistakes''..., ) After this she did agree to meet me. met me, told me a load of mumbo jumbo and that was that! Good luck, Jess xx Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 18/08/2006 15:01:12 hi simon I wish you well ,with the social workers help things will work out I am sure, jess always gives good advice, and you will always have the support of all the wonderful people on this site keep us posted bye dorothy canada Added by Ann from Oz on 20/08/2006 00:23:44 Hi all Simon, I found my BMs brother on here first and emailed him. It took me a couple of months to do as I was pondering will I,or wont I.........Otherwise it would have been months longer for information and I couldnt wait that long......luckily he is a wonderful man who was very helpful and told BM of our search(bs and me). So I would say go for it......I am sorry if some of you dont agree.....but my thinking is BM,s of the world must know that one day we might.....just might, turn up and ask'Why'. But Simon remember try not to expect to much from contact and you wont get emotionally strained and drained.......it can be very draining . Answers dont seem to be easy. I hope your experience is better then most. ' Good Luck' Annxx 'WOW',400 messages already,this thread has filled fast. Added by **Mel in Oz** on 20/08/2006 11:48:27 Hi Ann, All of us aussies must be tared with the same brush, as I too would have taken your option ( and did ). There is nothing wrong with social services just not fast enough for me either Ann lol. And one more thing Ann, I wanted to be no. 400 !!!!! Cya Mel Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 20/08/2006 12:42:27 hi ann its good to give advice on both aspects of finding birth family and its good that you add your opinion and hopefully simon will make the right decition what ever that might be.we can never predict how things are going to work out and its very hard to make the first contact as many of you have found out.i know i will never be in that pasiton as i already know my birth parents dont want contact hugs ang xxxx

Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 20/08/2006 20:18:40 Hi all I am not sure that birth mothers the world over DO expect us to look fort them, some I think, still believe what they were told, certainly in the 1950's an 60's, which was that the child that they gave away would NEVER be ABLE to trace them, certainly never turn up on their door step. I wonder what percentage would have kept their babies if they'd have known that we WOULD be able to find out who our natural parents were? and that we WOULD one day be able to walk back into their lives?(or try to!) My birth mother must have been absolutely horrified when the law allowed us the infomation that told us who we were. Jess Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 20/08/2006 22:20:15 this is in response to the message jess just put on the site, I am quite sure that a lot of BM did not ever expect that the child they gave up would ever be able to contact them, I retired from nursing in 1999 but in the 60's and 70's nursed many young and not so young who gave the babies up, many of them came from across canada to ontario supposedly visiting relatives or going to school out of province and stayed at unmarried mothers homes (as they were called at the time). I remember thinking how cruel it was that the babies were whisked away at birth so the mother did not see them, but on the 5th day they had to go to the nursery with a social worker and identifiy the baby as the one they had given birth too reading the babies braclet. and they were told that no one would ever know that they had given the baby away. how times have changed and for the better I think. I also looked after some of the young women later in thier lives when they married and had other children and they would always lie re the number of children they had for many it was a deep dark secret, always two side to a story I guess, I have not had to face the decision to contact my birth mother as she was already dead when I learned I was adopted, and too be honest I don't know what I would have done, one day I felt that I would not contact and another maybe I would, this adoption thing is strange at times how we respond to it just had to share a few thoughts with you all bye dorothy canada Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 20/08/2006 23:30:09 iv i lost the plot i posted twice on here and my messages arnt been displayed bacardi x Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 21/08/2006 06:45:20 you can get 100's of replies on a thread Bacardi, try again will start again at 500 replies Added by Lorna Potter on 21/08/2006 15:56:40 An update on me well I finally got my records a few weeks ago and true to form like other stories I read on here they answered some questions but not the things i wanted to know . Just had a call from my s/w and my birth mother is dead in fact died when I was 7 many moons ago. So that has stopped my search for her Don't know where to go what to do or think at the moment. After getting my records and finding out that if she was alive she would be 83 i had half decided not to pester her at her age so that decision has been taken from me, Now know she died with another surname so do I search for siblings or let sleepin dogs. Feel like I been thru a mill for nothing at moment perhaps just need time to think and mull I'm 50 and although didn't think it would this news has hit me for 6. I'm grieving for some one I didn't know who died 43 years ago I only started this search for some medical background and that chance to see who I take after basic me things sorry bit maudling didn't mean to be will regroup and see where i go from here Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 21/08/2006 16:02:36 Lorna -Let it sink in first- take time to mull it over - maybe send for her death cert and see what she died of? I think (maybe) you had wound yourself into a... shall-I , shan't I.. probably hadnt really reached a decision, and suddenly its been taken away from you. Armed with the info, maybe you would have contacted her, now you know you cant. depends how great your thirst for knowledge is as to what you do next.take your time and mull things as long as you need to thinking of you Jess x

This still need a couple of pages added, I didn't have time to do from 21st aug today although i have it copied. Ann Glos