Genealogy Chat

Added by Rebecca Carter on 18/07/2006 22:31:46 Only 3 more sleeps before I go and visit my older birth half brother in Germany - Yipee! Bicardi Ive sent you a PM but do what makes you happiest and what you are comfortable. Love and hugs to everyone Rebecca x Added by Donna King on 18/07/2006 22:33:35 Hi Yes Margaret I was allowed photo copies only of details of my birth ie, weight etc, nothing else. This sadly is not enough when you are racking your brains to remember other vital information. My social worker was kind enough to ring with the adoption agency who had held the records to check what she could photo copy. As for people wanting or not wanting to trace birth parents, I always say only do it if you feel it is right for you. Life changes us all at some points we may feel it is right at others not, it took me until after the birth of my second child to realise I needed more information about myself. At first all I wanted to know was my birth name and where I was born. Then I was curious for my files at this point my social worker produced a letter from my BM that was written on my 18th birthday and lodged in my files. The contents which I will not reveal, prompted my journey to meet my BM and I am glad I did. So many twists and turns in our lifes! Donna Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 18/07/2006 23:15:18 thank you to every one who has given me advice and good luck rebecca on meeting your brother,please let us know how it goes bacardi xx Added by Margaret Rider on 19/07/2006 13:10:15 All the best Rebecca for your visit to see your half brother in Germany - love to hear how it went on your return. It was a shame Donna that you were only given such a few details but perhaps your queries were answered by your BM when you met. Yes we certainly have many twists and turns in our life. Good to hear that the puzzle has bee completed for Myra and hope it goes well. Hope everyone is surviving the heat! Margaret Added by Donna King on 19/07/2006 16:34:44 Hello Unfortunately not all questions have been answered but such is life. Good luck in meeting your half brother Rebecca. Can anyone tell me what I am doing wrong, as in on all my messages I have update and delete on them? Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 19/07/2006 16:42:08 we all have that Donna , but only on our own! ( i cant see them on yours, only on mine) Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 19/07/2006 17:29:16 excuse me a mo- i'm in a tangle with thoughts and feeling. can i share the words of a song in my head with you all? Greatest Love Of All Michael Masser/Linda Creed I believe the children are our are future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be Everybody searching for a hero People need someone to look up to I never found anyone to fulfill my needs A lonely place to be So I learned to depend on me Chorus: I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows If I fail, if I succeed At least I live as I believe No matter what they take from me They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Is happening to me I found the greatest love of all Inside of me The greatest love of all Is easy to achieve Learning to love yourself It is the greatest love of all I believe the children are our future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be Chorus And if by chance, that special place That you've been dreaming of Leads you to a lonely place Find your strength in love

Added by Donna King on 19/07/2006 17:38:31 Thank you Jess, I had to laugh at myself for not guessing that might be the case. Love the words to the song. Donna Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 19/07/2006 17:58:40 I find it hard most of the time,and this is the only thread where i don't hide behind humour,(except my nickname). It takes a good while for me to be my true self with people,and then it's not that often,assuming i know what my true self is! Glen Added by Eileen Bowman on 19/07/2006 20:07:54 Margaret - I'll go with you with the feelings at seeing a photo from the 'time before time'. This happened to me last year when my Canadian half-bro sent me a picture that he had always known from a small child himself. It was of my birth mother and birth father (half-bro's father) taken at a wedding during the war. There was my mother, instantly recognizable as I had met her some years ago. She was holding me as a baby of about 4-6 months, and standing behind her was my birth father. Just one shot of the two of them and me, as a family. There may have been other pics. mother had lost all her possessions during and after the war in many moves. This one picture had gone to Canada with my birth father's friend, whose wedding it was. It hung on the friends's wall and birth father's subsequent children were told 'that is your English sister, try to find her'. It is the only picture I have of me under two when I was put out for adoption - not the wish of my birth parents. As you will all have seen from my many postings, I have a full sister sixteen months younger than myself, she went to different parents. Still hoping to find birth name Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September 1945 in Woking Maternity Hospital, our mother lived in Bisley and her names were Muriel Ethel M......t - maiden name H e. Her husband was not our father. Strength and persistence to all searchers Eileen

Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 19/07/2006 20:12:57 Dizzy , sorry , just one of those moments when I stop and question , when I dont like myslf very much, could i have been different. Would I have been ? could I have been? did mum and dad really shape me into what I am or would I have been 'me' anyway? learning to love what you are, despite what you could, should or ought to be is sometimes hard. jess Added by Eileen Bowman on 19/07/2006 20:29:26 Jess - there are so many dividing paths in our lives, and the choices we make as to which one we follow are infinite. There is a rather pretty song called 'Two Roads', if only there were only two. How can we tell how we would have been if we had gone left instead of right, chosen one friend, partner, job, frock, anything -different to the one we did choose. Been 'given' to different parents than the ones who adopted us. If you go far enough down the analogy - suppose the 'tadpole' that fertilized the egg that became one of us had been the one next to it, not that one!!!!!!!! These are the sort of thoughts that send us the way madness lies. Guess I am affected by the heat too -----lol Eileen Added by Donna King on 19/07/2006 22:08:03 Hi We all have those what would things have been like if we had not been adopted days. Been there myself a few times this year. My husband usually says to me if you had not been adopted you would not have met, not married me and had our 4 lovely children. It never fails to pick me up. Donna Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 19/07/2006 23:17:31 hi all i use to have feelings of not liking myself very much especially when i was younger,it wasnt till much later in life that i gained a lot of confidence,i have lovely friends and a lovely husband and 2 children,but i must say my confidence has been shattered slightly since meeting some of my birth family,that feeling of not been accepted comes to mind.but im learning to pick myself up again bacardi x Added by Margaret Rider on 20/07/2006 11:45:39 Eileen - what a wonderful photo to see with you all together. It's certainly a shock to the system when you view a photo like that. Oh how I wish I had some certificates here that matched your sister - I have so many for the years 1945/46 when I was searching for my own sister. I will still keep searching though for you. It's been a very good week with such lovely letters from members of this site. How good it is to read how others have coped over the years, it's something that I haven't really seen written down on a site before. Sorry to hear Bacardi that you felt your confidence had been shattered since meeting your birth family. The feeling of not being accepted can come to mind once again. Although I had over 20yrs contact with my birth mother and her family I can honestly say in all that time I often wondered to myself 'why am I here - what am I doing'. This is my birth mother, she gave me away with my sister, I've come back -why? What do I want from her. Many happy years we did have together but I still felt like a stranger. We gave each other a kiss when we met and when we left each other, what was I seeking? Was it her love again after rejection? I suppose I wanted the whole picture, about my birth, home life, who my father was, did I look like them, medical history (I certainly needed that) and why I was given away! Am I any happier today? To be honest I am not quite sure. I feel in a way I have betrayed my birth mother now in her 99th year but she said it was OK to search but didn't want to know any details but then I found out she had written to my birth mother when I went to school, when I went to College, when I was 18, when I got married etc. etc and she has never told me about this either. She told me my birth mother was a common prostitute.............why.............was it so I would think she was so awful I wouldn't go and search for her............no the opposite.............I just had to find out what she really was like. Margaret Added by Donna King on 20/07/2006 13:12:02 Hi How sad Margaret your adopted mum said that about your birth mum. It hit a raw nerve with myself as my adopted mum would forever tell me my birth mother hated children and did not want me, but they (adopted parents) had chosen me and loved me. Whilst I guess they did not want me to know her, but at the same time wanted to reassure myself I was loved it has devasting affects on a child. The pain it inflicts is hard to put in words. I used to think I must have been a dreadful baby. Plus the words of a social worker on my scant details I was allowed described me as sweet but smelly baby. Charming I must say. On a good day I can laugh at that statement! Donna

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 20/07/2006 16:40:17 hi donna your story hit a nerve with me,i dont give to much detail on here but my birth parents never wanted us from the start,so i dont there is a relationship to rekindle as it was a no go from the start bacardi xxx Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 20/07/2006 16:52:21 It's good to see the thread so busy,and good to see that everyone feels the things that i have. I know that sounds silly,but sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who ever felt 'who am i'.the reality check from the thread works wonders at times. I'm still digesting my file at the moment,but i'm happy that it tells me that my b/m wasn't a cruel heartless woman. Glen xx Added by Donna King on 20/07/2006 18:06:30 Hello I should point my adopted mother's version of my birth mother was untrue, so a double whammy of hurt. Donna Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 20/07/2006 20:55:52 hello everyone my goodness the site has been busy while I have been away moving from one home to another, I have just had my computor hooked up again and immediatly went to this site it has made for some interesting reading some tears over some of the shared thoughts and feelings, I am going to have to re read them over again and get my head around some of them. the move went well though the temperature was in the 40's here in this part of canada, but i see that england has been blessed with a heat wave as well. I have unpacked 18 boxes of books and got the book-cases in order now for the kitchen , you can see what is important in my life. my new niece from scotland has arrived and I am looking foreward to seeing this blood relative again. I did so enjoy meeting her last year. I have wondered as well if I had not been adopted what would I have been like, but as I did not find out till age 62 it is hard to think of being different than what I am. I am like my father and have many mannerisims of my maternal grandmother, I guess one does grow to look like who one lives with. my half brother has said that I look like my birth mother, aftet two years of writing and phoneing no one has found a photo of her so I will have to take his word, enough for now I am rambling see what a week off this site does to one bye for now dorothy Added by Eileen Bowman on 20/07/2006 21:45:21 Thanks Margaret, I know you have searched your certs. for me before. I think one of the things that keeps us searching is the need for acceptance in something - family, blood link - that is ours, as it were 'by right' - People say 'God gives you your family , thank God you can choose your friends' The fact is that 'God', by whatever name you choose to call him/her, has not given you what the majority of other people have - a blood relation. For many of us the first blood relation we see is our own child if we are lucky enough to have one. Whether it is a natural instinct to feel a need for a 'real' relative, or whether it is something that is conditioned into us by tradition, etc, it is always there. A blood relation cannot stop being a blood relation. A friend can stop being a friend, a husband or wife can stop being a husband or wife, but a blood relation cannot change that relationship. They may not see you for fifty years, or ever see you, but you are connected, whether you or they like it or not. I am probably not putting this very well, but I think it is the unchangeability of the connection that seems to be at the heart of our searches. So whether we search or not, you cannot un know that there is someone somewhere who has the closest of all blood links to us, and we want to know, for good or ill. Eileen

Added by I Just needed to Get It Out. on 21/07/2006 02:50:02 I think this site as my social worker but with more views than just one, and I still can not find one who can really understand what I have been though over the last 6 months or more. I feel that I do sometimes want to talk about this as I have bottled up so many feelings about being adopted over the years and a now feeling better for being able to discuss them instead of hiding them all and bottling them up. Where do I start, yes I have always known I was adopted, I can’t really remember when I haven’t known. My adopted parent are the best that anyone could wish for, there are always there to love and support me not matter what I do. Last year I started the search for my BM, and with help from others found her very easily, she was really happy to get an email from me, I think. A couple of emails went between us and I did ask about my birth father, at first she ignored my questions but I did not give up I wanted to know. Eventually she did tell me the story of how she was picked up in a car by 3 males, friends of her boyfriends, they drove around the corner and beat her up and was raped by them and left on the side of the road, and she was found and taken home. She did go to the doctors about 5 months later and the doctor told her she was pregnant. So she told me it was to late by then to have anything done. So she was shipped off to an unmarried mothers home where she had me and no she never took me home I adopted at 6 weeks. After getting in contact with another birth relative I was told a similar story, but not the same. The birth relative told me that BM had a habit of getting drunk and flashing herself (at 15, 16 years old) at the local. One night she was quite drunk (and stripping off) and 3 boys asked her to go for a drive she said yes. BM went with them in the car and came back a little while later crying and bruised. She said that they did force her and was raped. Followed by the same scenario with the doctor’s visit and my birth. You cannot imagine how I felt when I found out, I was gutted to say the least and cried for days on end. I know that both stories have the same base of the story so I will never know my BF and don’t really think I want to either. But I still have so many questions, but BM has closed the book on that and me I believe. I can understand that in a way maybe I would be the same. But I was a good person before I knew about my parentage. I believe all of the good in me has come from my adopted family and for that I am thankful. I can only but imagine what issues I would have grown up with had I been kept and the stigma that would have gone with it. My life with my adopted parents has been good and I smile at the thought of my Mum and Dad choosing me as they always said they did. Not only by them but by my husband, my soul mate as well. I have my ups and downs but we all do. Sorry this is so long I just had to get it all out. I feel much better now. Added by Margaret Rider on 21/07/2006 13:16:19 Welcome back Dorothy and glad your move went well. Eileen I think your message was great and was put very well indeed. The message from 'I Just needed to Get It out' is something that a lot of adoptees when searching for their blood relatives will have to deal with or something very similar. It's difficult how to imagine anyone dealing with this type of story and then getting back to their usual life. Perhaps when we search we just don't think of details like that. Quite a lot of reunions have come to and end when asked about their birth father. If you have had a bad experience in the past you try and forget about it! Added by Helen Hughes on 21/07/2006 14:20:34 Hi everyone, I have just read the message from I Just Needed to Get It Out. Some adoptees will share your experiences, others wont - and some wont know whether they do or dont! I can only begin to imagine what a shock that discovery must have been for you and how difficult it must have been for you to try and get your head around it. You say that you were a good person before you found this out - as a result of your adopted family. Firstly - then you must STILL be a good person now! Secondly - you are not responsible for the actions of other people - expecially before you were born. You cannot be responsible for the circumstances that led to your birth. If you are a good person it is because you make the right choices, you treat other people well. You cannot put all the credit for this on your adopted family - you deserve credit for it too. I am truly sorry that this is so difficult for you. You should take satisfaction in knowing that regardless of the circumstances of your birth you are a good person - and this is proven by the fact that other good people love you - your adopted family and your soul mate. Take care. Helenxxx Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 21/07/2006 14:34:25 The last few posts must have been the most difficult to put down in words for a long long time. It's only fellow adoptees who can begin to appreciate how we feel when we hear our stories,we may not fully understand how someone can overcome such a trauma,but i realise how lucky i was to find that my b/m had died. To never have to face the possibilty of rejection or hear things recounted made things easier for me. My half sister was very wary of me initially,scared that i would judge our mother (she always reminds me that it is OUR mother we speak of). Her account of things at the time is broadly the same as what is in my adoption file,she will never know how much it means when i answer the phone and she says 'Hi Glen,it's your sister'. She could say that every day for the next 100 years and it would still sound magical to me. We both agree that we turned out as well rounded adults despite our different upbringing,whether we will ever meet i don't know,but we are both happy with what we have at the moment. Glen

Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 21/07/2006 14:34:25 The last few posts must have been the most difficult to put down in words for a long long time. It's only fellow adoptees who can begin to appreciate how we feel when we hear our stories,we may not fully understand how someone can overcome such a trauma,but i realise how lucky i was to find that my b/m had died. To never have to face the possibilty of rejection or hear things recounted made things easier for me. My half sister was very wary of me initially,scared that i would judge our mother (she always reminds me that it is OUR mother we speak of). Her account of things at the time is broadly the same as what is in my adoption file,she will never know how much it means when i answer the phone and she says 'Hi Glen,it's your sister'. She could say that every day for the next 100 years and it would still sound magical to me. We both agree that we turned out as well rounded adults despite our different upbringing,whether we will ever meet i don't know,but we are both happy with what we have at the moment. Glen Added by Margaret Rider on 21/07/2006 17:23:09 Hello J Oh Good hearing from you. My only full blood sister who was adopted within a week of myself I found out a few weeks ago had died when she was 49 so I won't have that reunion but I am thrilled to bits have contact with one of her sons at the moment and learning more about my sister everytime we write. Haven't plucked up courage to phone yet. I found my father's daughter (my half sister) about 2 years ago, sometimes its going well and then everything seems to stop. I still don't know whether we will ever meet as whenever I mention it there is always a problem! I don't think you have done anything wrong. Sometimes things go very well and easy and then suddenly without any warning things start to cool off. Of course you want to know whether he is still coming to see you shortly but perhaps he is getting cold feet. Do you think that you should leave contact between you say just every couple of weeks or so instead and ask him if the oncoming visit is worrying him and that he wants more time. Perhaps he feels under pressure from you somehow. I had over 20yrs contact with my half brothers and sister and they rejected me once birth mother had died. That rejection shattered me and my family as I thought we were so close and so happy - how wrong I was. I just hope this won't happen again to me. Added by Margaret Rider on 21/07/2006 22:34:16 No J Oh - Don't give up but take it a little slower. What do other members think? Margaret Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 22/07/2006 20:21:18 hi every one some very brave people telling there stories on this thread,i admire all of you i oftern wonder what is going to happen when my birth parents pass away,as i have no desire to meet them,but do have contact with other members of my birth family.has this happend to any one else i find it very sad that we let these people into our lives and it seems that when the novelty wears off they just cant be botherd anymore.i also wonder if it would of been diffrent if they had found me,i will never know hugs bacardi xxxxxxxxxxxxx

YOU SWEETHEARSTS THANK YOU SO MUCH xxxx

Added by Eileen Bowman on 22/07/2006 23:05:32 Of course you are a good person 'I just needed ....' What the others say is right. You are what you make yourself. Everyone knows right from wrong, whatever bm did does not make you bad. Even if she had brought you up you would still not have been 'bad'. The term 'illegitimate child' makes me so angry. It is not the child that is illegitimate, it is simply that the parents' union is not sanctioned by law or by the church. It is not, so far as I know, against the law to have a child out of wedlock. I hope not or there are going to be a great many lady criminals, including one of my lovely and much loved daughters. No-one has the right to say whether your bm was good or bad, Only she knows. If her story was a little bit shy of the truth maybe it is because she wanted you to think well of her, which proves that she regretted her early wrong doing. If what she said was the truth, then she deserves sympathy. Eileen Added by Just Needed To Get It Out on 23/07/2006 00:55:19 Hi Eileen, You are right no matter what the story was I sympathise with what she has been through. I only meant the term bad person as my BF was obviously keen on roughing people up and taking what did not belong to him that is all. I don't have time for rapists. And sorry if I did not put the stigma into the right context as I also have a niece and nephew born out of wedlock and it makes no difference, and never would. I meant the stigma of being a child from a rape nothing more. Sorry to upset you Eileen Added by Gillian White on 23/07/2006 03:32:40 As a recent member on this site I stumbled across this thread and have been mumbling OMG repeatedly whilst reading it !! To find people that share emotions and thoughts on a subject that I dont know anyone in my social circle to share is very welcoming. I recently lost my adoptive mother and have been thrown into the idea of looking at the possibility of tracing my birth roots ....anyone dealt with this before? Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 23/07/2006 10:57:00 hi gillian welcome to the thread its wasnt till after my adopted parents passed away,that i thought id try find my birth family,it didnt seem right while they were alive,as they had done so much for me and i know they would of been hurt.i think it is a natural feeling we have to know were we came from but please go in with an open mind and dont expect to much as it doesnt always have a happy ending good luck bacardi xxxxxxxx Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 23/07/2006 11:17:50 Hi Gillian I can't really add any more to what Bacardi says above. If it's something you WANT to do,and it's something that you feel comfortable with,(knowing that it might not be pleasant or have a fairy tale ending),then i would say make a few enquiries. It doesn't have to mean that you follow things through,throughout the thread you will often see that we describe our search as a journey,full of bumps and turns. Well don't forget that you can always stop somewhere on the way,journeys end can be wherever you want it to be. Glen Added by Margaret Rider on 23/07/2006 14:28:06 Hello Gillian Sorry to hear that you have recently lost your adoptive mother and you now feel that the time is right to try and trace your birth family. As Bacardi has already mentioned go with an open mind and don't expect too much. Best wishes Margaret

Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 23/07/2006 14:37:31 Welcome Gillian, that was exactly how i felt when i joined this site, and knew there must be a way to get us all feeling less a sense of 'unique', in our thoughts and feelings. Its funny you should say that there is no-one in your social circle that is adopted - maybe we all should have it tatoo'ed across our forehead ( i dont mean that really , of course) so there was an outside 'sign' , although if we did, we probabaly wouldnt want it! I knew someone for years and years before I realised they were adopted too - it had just never come up in conversation. Jess x Added by Eileen Bowman on 23/07/2006 20:56:32 Sorry 'I just needed ....' I was not angry or upset with you, or your story, just the way illegitimacy is often treated as a subject. Such terms as 'no better than she should be ' whatever that may mean, and the veiled impression given that if the parent went wrong then automatically the child will too. It is the pre-judging that is wrong. You obviously, for a while, felt that in some way you were a worse person, and that is not how people should be made to feel. Society, media, whatever, is very keen to label folks. Hopefully the feeling has gone away now, but we adoptees are easily wobbled where our confidence is concerned. (((hugs))) Eileen Added by Eileen Bowman on 23/07/2006 23:31:00 Gillian, if you have quite a few hours to spare you can find just about all the different takes on the adoption puzzle on these threads. Everyone has their own time and 'nudge' that starts them searching. For some it will be something they have always intended to do right from when they first found out they were adopted. For many, especially the women, it will be expecting or having their first child, others as with you, the loss of the loved (and sometimes sadly not so loved) adopted parent. It does not really matter why, the 'why' is just what tells you that you are ready to search. Whether you are ready to 'know' is another matter entirely. Read as much as you can of the threads on here, they will help you to see many different results, and many different feelings that these results can bring to people. Good luck, and keep coming back to these threads and messages for help and support, and don't be too sure that you don't know anyone else who is adopted. Not everyone 'tells', one of my closest friends at school never mentioned it to me, or anyone else in our class. I had never made any secret of it myself, so she had plenty of opportunity. I saw her name in the register in London, years after we had left school and lost contact. We are now in touch again after a '40 years on' class reunion, and have spoken about it, she had no wish to search, and still doesn't. I have found a large number of half-siblings, but not my full sister yet. Everyone is different. Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 24/07/2006 23:13:31 hello from canada well my niece from scotland and her school friend are coming on wed for an overnight visit I will take them back to toronto late thursday as her friend flies back on friday and courtney flies back on sunday. as my son was over at my new place to-day measuring for blinds I asked him if he wanted to meet her, the reponse was not great he felt that he would be to busy and really this new family was not really a part of his life, if I wanted them to be part of mine that was allright be he did'nt have the need to include them in his life, as Ihave mentioned before he was very close to his grandparents, of course I got weepy and he does not cope well with that, he talked a little more then just to say he did not understand how they had never told me, and after all I had nursed both of them at home till they died. anyway for 40yrs of his life my parents were Kit and Bert and he says my birth mother is dead and has never played a part in my life so really why do I need to be intouch with the brother and family. never an easy answer to how one deals with this news I guess my family son and sister wish that I had never found out about my adoption at such an advanced age ah well I shall enjoy courtneys visit she is a charming young lady and to-morrow is another day bye for now dorothy Added by Helen Hughes on 24/07/2006 23:24:48 Dorothy I hope the visit goes well and that you enjoy every single minute of it! If your son doesnt feel the need to meet this new family then I dont suppose you can make him - but that doesnt mean that you shouldnt want or need to should it? Have a great time! Helenxxx Added by Beve B on 25/07/2006 10:17:54 Hi Everyone, Haven't been on for a while so have been reading through alot of your messages. As some of you may remember i starting the process of applying for my adoption records following the death of my wonderful adopted mum. Having now recieved them they are safetly filed away - the reason mainly is because of my adopted dad, i just know he would be heart broken if he knew i had them, he would feel like him and mum had let me down in some way and that he hadn't fulfilled his role as 'my dad'. So although i have the information i wanted, its been put to sleep for now. I think i would also feel disloyal to him in some way. Is this a normal feeling ?

, i just know he would be heart broken if he knew i had them, he would feel like him and mum had let me down in some way and that he hadn't fulfilled his role as 'my dad'. So although i have the information i wanted, its been put to sleep for now. I think i would also feel disloyal to him in some way. Is this a normal feeling ? Added by Helen Hughes on 25/07/2006 10:24:30 To Beve B I have just started tracing my birth family after agonising over the decision for years. What you describe certainly seems perfectly normal to me! I have felt torn between my need to know and the knowledge that searching would hurt my mum and dad - leading to guilt. I also always questionned whether I had a right to open up old wounds for my birth mother, did I have the right to disrupt her life? Add into that the anxiety - what if she doesnt want contact? What if she does want lots and lots of contact and she's dreadful? What if she's dead, what if I can never find her, what if I find her and she hates me....etc, etc, and that just about sums up how I feel. Take your time - if the timing doesnt feel right for you then dont do anything now. Its hard enough on your emotions any way. You can do what you feel is right for you when it feels right for you. Hope that helped! Take care, Helenxx Added by Beve B on 25/07/2006 10:30:12 Thanks for that Helen. It sure is a mix of emotions and i think when the time is right i'll know it. Beve xxx Added by Margaret Rider on 25/07/2006 12:15:47 Hello everyone I think a lot of us at some time must have thought that we are being disloyal for wanting to know about our birth family. In 'some' of us there is this need that arises during our lives to have knowledge about where we have come from. Some of us have been very lucky in having wonderful lives with our adopted parents but some sadly not. I think it would have been lovely if my own adopted parents had given me a small file when I was a young adult giving me a few details about my birth mother and possibly father. Some photos of herself, medical history and a few details about her family. If I had been given these would I then have gone searching for her or would it have been enough? I do hate the way that some of us feel guilty about searching. I think it's a natural reaction but I know I have been 'made' to feel guilty over the search that I did by my adoptive mother even though later on she told me to search as she was getting very old and wanted me to have contact with them. I was a foster mother for many years in my earlier life and we were thinking about adopting two children. I am sure that I would not have been upset if they had later wanted to know about their birth parents - I would have thought this was quite natural. If you bring childen up in a loving family home I can't see that they are then going to 'leave' you for the 'birth parents'. Margaret

Added by Helen Hughes on 25/07/2006 12:27:42 Thank you Margaret I think you are right - we shouldnt be made to feel guilty - but I and from reading these threads - many others so often do. My mum and I are very close - she loves me and will and does support me - but she also has her own insecurities - which is only natural. I have always wondered if my mum and dad's over protectivenes - (always the first kids to have to go to bed, not allowed to roam as far as the others etc -) has resulted from sheer fear, they had lost one child, been told they could never have more - and they were frightened of losing another. I dont know - but it does seem possible - and this fear would colour the way they felt about me searching wouldnt it. I often find that even though I understand my feelings are groundless and irrational - I still feel them! Why should I expect my mum to be any different? She has as much right to be a neurotic bag of nerves as I do! Also, as a mum myself now, I have to say that I would allow another woman access to my children over my dead body! My mum loves me as much as I love my girlies - why would she want to share - I certainly dont! Not meaning to rant, hope this didnt sound unfriendly, big developments on the search just now and I am really emotional. Helenxx Added by Margaret Rider on 25/07/2006 13:24:11 Hello Helen No it didn't sound unfriendly in anyway, you were just expressing your feelings. Its over 60yrs since I've been adopted and have searched, found, searched found over so many years and also rejected! I do believe however that I am more relaxed in the way that I view things now as to when I was a young mother myself. Searching is such a difficult undertaking and can bring in a lot of extra happiness but also a lot of pain and which both can be felt by your own family. This is something that you should think about very carefully - to be honest I wish I had perhaps considered the feelings of my own grown up family a little more than my longing to have all the answers. Added by Paul Wright on 25/07/2006 14:12:29 Hi All, Does anyone who currently work for Social Services or an Adoption Agency or, has retired from a likewise position read this thread. The thread certainly contains all the mixed emotions you can encounter. I have the answers but they are my answers and that's the problem they are not your answers, So I see advice which is normally well thought out and very considered, swing both ways. Hope I haven't offended anyone. Just curious? Paul Added by Margaret Rider on 25/07/2006 16:11:42 Hello Paul Just wondering whether you work or have worked for either the social services or an adoption agency? Hope you don't mind me asking. Margaret Added by Eileen Bowman on 25/07/2006 17:19:37 Paul is right in some ways - the answers are specific to each person as an individual - however, reading other peoples' worries, experiences, feelings etc. does help to clarify ones own feelings. You can say to yourself, 'supposing I was faced with this or that situation in my search, would it make me feel the same way, or would I feel differently' By this means one can sort of rehearse, or try out, a feeling without the pain. If it happens to you, then you can think 'this was what x.... or y... on this site had to deal with' I am sure that it does help, in the same way as we are told reading literature helps us to prepare for life situations. As for the actual searching being something that is hurtful to your adoptive parents, I found that when I did it I wanted to keep the two 'mothers' apart totally. I told my adoptive mother very little about my other family. This was hard on her as she was very curious to know about them. I only told her very bare facts, yes I had found them, occasionally I saw them - distance prevented a great deal of actual contact - that was about all. I was not deceitful in any way. I did not pretend I was going somewhere else when I did see bm. My mothers never met, although I could easily have arranged it, and in fact my birth mother did meet my mother-in-law, and they got on very well. I think I was, if you like, two people, and in a way those two people did not meet. Perhaps I could not handle being both daughters at the same time - does this make sense to anyone? Birth mum knew all my children, and my husband. The children knew who she was and had their own version of Grandma for her, to distinguish her from adoptive gran, and my mother-in-law. The children too, did not mix the two mothers together. I am perhaps making my family sound weird, but they are not, it just seemed a natural and sensitive way of dealing with things. Eileen

Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 25/07/2006 19:13:18 Hi all Hope everyone is ok. Re the comments by Paul and having the answers,my view (and that is all it is) isn't one shared by Paul. I couldn't have all the answers because i don't know all the questions.Many times i have only commented because i have seen a post on the thread. When we start to look it isn't always obvious that we will have anything but two outcomes,one the 'fairytale' of being welcomed by our birth families,or the harsh reality of having the door slammed firmly shut in our faces. This thread made me realise that there are a million possible outcomes between the two extremes. No one can say they know all there is to know,but by sharing,thinking and looking at the circumstances that we all find ourselves in,i feel that i have a better understanding of my feelings and those of my birth family.It has only worked out that way because i have read the threads,thought about what i have read,and then used that as i think best. The things posted aren't always meant to be answers,but then again there aren't always direct questions posed either,but by sharing perhaps we have a better chance of understanding our feelings and the feelings of our families,both adopteive and birth. Glen Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 25/07/2006 19:20:12 hi every one had trouble with my puta so just catching up dorothy i think in all familys we are going to get the response you had from your son,i actually had it from my birth family,when other birth relatives got intouch with me,but its there hang up and they all mean just as much to me even if they dont to each other love bacardi xx Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 25/07/2006 19:39:41 Paul- the purpose of this thread -and the 4 before it- was to be a place where an adoptee could share thoughts and feelings with other people that knew what it felt like, NOT to provide hard and fast answers. A 'normal' person ( what is one of those!) simply cannot understand the feeling that being adopted evokes...its a place you have to be to understand , and hopefully this thread has provided a place for likeminded people to share what they feel with people that do understand and 'feel ' the same feelings. Tracing you adoptive roots is like a journey - but there is no map to guide you, signpost maybe, but until you arrive at that spot you have no idea where the sign will point, or even if its a dead end. '' I have the answers but they are my answers and that's the problem they are not your answers,'' < as long asyou are comfy with where you are at on YOUR journey - that is all that matters. I'm curious now- tell us more please! jess x Added by Margaret Rider on 25/07/2006 21:31:08 A good response Jess.

Added by Paul Wright on 25/07/2006 21:44:22 Hi All, The answer is that I work in electronic repair. The reason I posed the question is that I am in a similar but not identical situation to the adoptee's. That the answers given to the questions asked appear to be very well thought out, caring and yes, because others replying have been in identical position (adoptee), to be honest. I just wondered earlier today when I took time to catch up with this thread that since we are all in different occupations whether or not some of the answers were in fact coming not just from adoptee's but those who work in this profession who feel that they too can offer some help, support and guidance. Bye Paul Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 25/07/2006 22:21:35 I have, only because of my own experience , been involved in post adoption councilling - or perhaps better described as an exstension of that - meeting with other adoptees and just talking, about their hopes and dream...and what can sometimes be the harsh reality. Local county council post adoption dept matches people to share experiences, The S/workers say they are all very well dishing out facts, but cant 'feel' like we do. So, formally qualified, No.More than a passing interest - yes. Joan Allen who appears from time to time is the one you need if you want a Pro ( although she isnt formally qualified either) I work for the County Council in the social care and health dept, mostly with the elderly, as well as an after school facility jess - still trying to work out what is 'similar' to being adopted! Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 25/07/2006 22:39:34 Hi Paul Perhaps i misunderstood your original post and replied a little strongly,I apologise for that. Certainly in my experience the social worker although sympathetic couldn't really help with the emotional side of things because he had never personallly experienced the situation. The mechanics of how the procedures work,and how to find records came as second nature to him,but as for the rest,well let's say things were better here than through him. Glen Added by Paul Wright on 25/07/2006 22:45:32 Hi Jess, Like the adoptee's each case is very personal so I hope you can bear with me if I say I really do not want to expain my situation at this time. After saying that, it would be fair and honest of me to say that many of the answers given however can apply to my predicament. That all the worries and concerns, rights and wrongs, fairy tale or horror endings can equally apply to me if I decided to approach my birth family. What I was referring to was the quality of the answers given. Perhaps I'm not making a good job of this. The answers are well thought out, point out the positive as well as the negative, are a mixture of responses that I feel, as others have said, give you a good basis for you to make your own decision. Whether to stop or continue, go this way or that way, etc. The first answer given may not be the right answer for your particular case but there are generally many answers given many of which can help. The response on the thread is excellent, the answer are good. So my question was as you have just replied, 'are there professionals feeding in replies or is it just the experience of the adoptee's'. Bye Paul

Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 25/07/2006 22:48:31 Thats absolutely fine Paul - you do what you want when you want - its YOUR journey - you travel at your own speed (and you dont ever have to tell us, !) Jess Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 26/07/2006 00:22:31 to paul I have never wondered if people on this thread were professional or not I assumed that we all had one thing in common being adopted in one form or other, some of us knew from an early age some like myself found out later in life much later. I have found that the thought given to answers to our questions is wonderful like the old saying it takes one to know one, seems to fit. in my working life I was a nurse and delt with babies being given for adoption so am aware of both sides of the coin. if you stay on this site you will learn many things that may help you in whatever your situation is, and as jess says you don't have to share anything with us just do what works for you regards dorothy canada Added by Ann from Oz on 26/07/2006 01:17:52 Hi all Paul This thread is named adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptee's. I persumed this ment messages from 'adoptee's' not professional help from cousellers or your social workers. Adoptee's who have had experiences in finding their birthfamily and telling other adoptee's their stories. And giving information of sites and services that helped them in their search. Correct me if I am wrong but the Title is clear. Annxx Added by Joan Allan on 26/07/2006 05:00:13 Hello everyone This is Joan Allan who Jess refers to as a non professional researcher. I am not recognised by the Government but can offer help to those seeking their natural families.I have been helping adoptees find their natural family for about 6 years now and have been pretty successful. I have helped a number of searchers on this site for about 4 years now. If you think I can help with your search do please contact me on 01454 615031 (not too early as researching to early hours) or find me on google to get my email addy. Thanks Jess for telling people about me - hope you are well and that all is going OK with your family.. Love Joan (an adoptive mother to a nearly 23 year old son who I reunited with his natural mother 5 years ago). Have tried to put my email addy on here but to no avail. Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 26/07/2006 08:09:37 Joan Allens web site is www(.)my folks(.) co(.)uk Added by The Ego Has Landed on 26/07/2006 08:22:10 I would like to add that Joan is a leader in her field with regards tracing capabilities....this is a lady that detectives come to when they are stuck !!....Allied to this, a broad working knowledge as to how the system works and a wealth of experience in dealing with many difficult personal circumstances. Chris Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 26/07/2006 08:26:28 Oh and if you want to natter about your adoption, Joan is the woman.....she can natter for Britian - and that why we love you Joan! Joans days must have elastic sides, Joan will talk for as long as you want to! jess Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 26/07/2006 11:37:24 hi paul i think adopted people are very deep emotionally and there words of comfort come from the heart and understand other adoptees and what they have been through iv never thought that there were any profesional people on this thread,but its nice to know that some are profesionalls and want to offer help and support bacardi xx

Added by Margaret Rider on 26/07/2006 18:47:08 I hope I don't offend anyone but I don't like the idea of social workers or the like to be using this site. Of course referring to Joan Allen is another matter a most wonderful person, full of such care and goes out of her way to help. Joan has been a wonderful help in my long search and has given so much support and help when times have got rather rough on the way. Thanks again Joan - be in touch soon. Margaret Added by Lorna Potter on 27/07/2006 11:34:21 Hi all been reading messages while still waiting for my records which hopefully i am gonna get a phone call from SS about tomorrow. What started me on my search was my daughter became pregnant and with my being adopted obviously couldn't share any medical history also her partners mother was adopted so a double whammy Fortunately his mother has had an easier time than me in her search as she was adopted practically inter family so knew most things and has met her BM. I could not have started my search while my mum was alive it would have hurt her too much as I was her little girl and I loved her dearly. My father died when I was 22 and my lovely mum died 10 years ago. If I do decide to find my BM if she still alive I don't know . Could she ever match up to my lovely mum i don't think so. I do know i have a big hole that needs filling by what i don't know perhaps just knowledge tine will tell People that have met their BM can you tell me do they put the last piece in the jigsaw or is the feeling (what feeling) stay the same Added by Margaret Rider on 27/07/2006 12:04:34 Hello Lorna I do hope your search goes well for you. I personally never felt that my birth mother, and I knew about her for over 30yrs before having over 20yrs frequent meetings with her at my home and hers. I never called her 'Mum' as to me she wasn't my mother although she was the person that gave birth to me. I called her 'Nan' like her grandchildren and in this way it didn't upset her grown up family members. There is no way that she would ever take the place of my adoptive mother who loved and looked after me and still does to this day now 99. In all that time she hardly mentioned anything about my past and nothing about my birth father (I later read all about him and have contact with his family) or my full sister also adopted but sent to a different family to me. Both of my birth parents are now deceased and my birth mother is buried only 4 miles away from where I now live but I never had this bond as perhaps I thought we would when I started on my search. She loved my children and grandchildren very much. Of course over the years we got on well together and I resembled her very much but was I close to her.....................I don't think I was really that close as too many years had gone and she didn't ask about my upbringing. It's like I suddenly appeared in the family and was just accepted as one of the family and nothing more said about my past.................a very odd feeling really. You say you have a big hole to fill at the moment. Take care over this in your search, take it slowly and please don't expect too much. When you find out details about your birth mother it's like making the jigsaw complete but it doesn't necessarily give you peace of mind. Best wishes Margaret Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 27/07/2006 19:43:05 Jennifer~ If it is to Joan Allen you refer ~ Joan is sound, and does know what she is doing. She has been a help to very many of us, an certainly wouldnt go a millimeter over the line without the adopteees consent, in fact she wouldn't go over it with the adopteees consent! Jess dded by Joan Allan on 28/07/2006 03:25:48 Thank you all my darlings for your good wishes and support. I think of you all often and hope that everthing is 'hunky dory' in your lives. Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 28/07/2006 04:26:44 hello one and all, well the visit with the niece is over i took her and her friend back to toronto this evening, and I have had so much fun over the last two days. one 16yr old and one 17yr old who can shop till they drop and did, I am not sure my feet will recover for days. we had a great diner yesterday followed by a trip to see a movie you me and dupree quite good. to-day I took them to the big mall in barrie and 4hrs later we staggered out. the visit was an easy one as courtney is very easy to get one with. her friend flies home to-morrow and courtney flies on monday, we had some nice talks about my brother she brings him to life for me, as talking on the telephone does not quite cut it, so just wanted to say it was a good visit even if the rest of my family opted out, I hope to be home next year and meet steven face to face goodnight all dorothy

Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 09:35:37 Dorothy It sounds like a fantastic time was had by all! Congratulations I am really pleased for you.As it sounded so great, I was just wondering, can I be your niece too? Helenxxx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 28/07/2006 16:03:20 im so pleased for you dorothy its lovely when things work out best wishes bacardi xxxx Added by Margaret Rider on 28/07/2006 18:35:10 I'm glad it went well for you Dorothy. It's lovely to hear some good news. Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 21:21:52 In need of some patience just now - any one got any spare? Tracing has been going frighteningly fast - now coming to initial contact. Passed address to After Adoption who promised to write. I know they will - but it feels like it is taking forever! The stupid thing is, as soon as I receive my copy of their letter I'm going to be in a state of blind panic again. Cant win can you - if its happening it seems to be too fast - and then it lurches to a stop (or, to be fair, a brief halt) and I feel sooooo frustrated - as though my whole life is on hold. Talk me down people - before I do something terminally stupid, please Helenx x x Added by Margaret Rider on 28/07/2006 21:42:22 Hello Helen It's a very odd time when you are waiting to hear news,you just can't get it out of your mind, hour after hour after hour. It seems like its taking over your life. I don't know how fast your department is going to work but usually you have to wait for a time and this really is the hard part. Then will you get a response straight away?? You have instigated this search and when you do this you just don't know what is going to happen. I do so hope you get the answers that you are so desperately searching for Helen but just pull back a little of yourself, don't give it your all just yet. Thinking of you. Margaret Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 28/07/2006 21:49:25 Hi Helen, Fasten you seat belt and hold on tight~ the Roller coaster ride is about to begin. We'll go up first, slowly and a bit jerkily...and then WHOOOOOOSH doen the hill again . Up and down a few more times before you get to the end though. When you do get to the end, you'll probably need clean pants ~ and yet, Hey!, you wanted to get on in the first place!! daft, isnt it, the way we get all worked up about something we want to do, and a soon as we have started it, panic sets in. You'll be fine. You yearn for the day that the stuff will come...and when it does....you'll wonder why you coudn't wait. It s wierd- dont worry, we have all been there jess Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 28/07/2006 21:51:00 hi helen think of you at this difficult time,iv never been in this situation and cant imagine what your going through but my thoughts are with you has anybody made contact with sibblings who remained with birth parents and how has it turned out for you,would love to hear your stories.iv found it quite difficult but we are getting there slowly bacardi xxxx Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 22:22:03 Bacardi Thank you - my feelings are so conflicted at the moment. I want things to move forwards but I am really scared at the same time. I have so much anxiety about the contact - what if its refused - how will I feel then? What on earth can I say if it isnt refused? Can hardly start with 'Hi Mum' can you! I do want medical information - so that is one place to start - but I dont want to sound cold either. I also fear that the mistakes I have made along the way will hurt - others and myself - and I worry that what I have started will cause distress to others. At the same time I could scream because all I seem to do at the moment is wait - for the postman, for a phone call, for an email. I need to get a grip, I really do! I dont have any full siblings - but have found out about a significant number of half-siblings. I dont know whether they will be told about me or not - so I am afraid I cant be of any help. Thank you again for the message, this thread is a god-send, I am finding it a great comfort during a very difficult time. Bless you all, Helenx x x x

Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 22:26:24 Oh - how wierd I looked on the thread and there was only Bacardi's answer - finished putting my reply on and there are now replies from Jess and Margaret. Thank you all so much - it is difficult isnt it - the wanting and not wanting in equal measures. As for the ride Jess - I think I may need a parachute and prescription medication never mind a change of pants. Its good to know from you all that it is at least survivable - even if it isnt easy. Glad to see responses - thought you'd all abandoned me for a minute there! Thanks again, love Helenx x x Added by Margaret Rider on 29/07/2006 13:35:27 Hi Helen I have probably already said this somewhere on this site but if you are lucky enough to have contact with your birth mother/family please do take it very carefully. Try your best not to ask too many questions at the start and I know the one thing that usually turns things upside down is the mention of the 'father'. I know quite a lot of people who have had contact but when they mentioned the 'father' at the beginning things turned sour on them. Have you also thought what a reunion might have on your own family (if you have any). This is something that we don't often take into consideration when we do our searching. It can cause many problems or divided loyalties. My own family now have children of their own but I know they are not completely happy with me bringing 'new members' into the family, one after another. Although this has been going on for over 20yrs it's been both happy and very bad times. I just wasn't prepared for what might happen especially when the birth parent dies and you are left with any half siblings, the situation can get very rough indeed. It was so in my case. I do so hope it turns out well for you. Margaret Added by Helen Hughes on 29/07/2006 14:53:12 Hi Margaret, I have thought long and hard about the impact of my search on my family - I am very close to my mum and dad and know that this has as much of an impact on them as me. I have felt so torn about all this - guilt about hurting my family stopped me searching for years. As my girls have been born the need to know something about my background has increased. I am going into hospital on monday for an operation and have just spent another 15 minutes saying 'I don't know' as I was asked if there was a history of this, that and the other in the family - I look at my girls and think - what about breast cancer etc. I know its unlikely - but not knowing leaves you wondering doesnt it. I really value your advise and support - I not only dont have all the answers - at the moment I am not even sure I know what the questions are. I think your advice about keeping questions to a minimum and avoiding things that are likely to cause upset is extremely useful. I think resorting to questions is what we do when we dont know what to say - it gets a response from the other person, but I suppose it must be really easy for this to slip into a sort of inquisition with all the questions you have had bottled up over the years all coming pouring out at once. I dont know what, if anything, I am expecting from all this. i am telling myself not to build my hopes up, trying to tell myself to take it steady, step back and to expect the worst so I cant be disappointed. Now, all I have to do is find some way to make myself do what I'm told! Thanks once again - it really does help to be able to hear from people who have been there/done that! Helenx x Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 29/07/2006 20:19:02 bumped up bacardi x Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 29/07/2006 20:32:01 Helen you WILL be okay - We are here for you - hypothetically holding your hand ....( and will you please wash them before coming on here next time , they are horribly sticky!) Jess xx Added by Helen Hughes on 29/07/2006 20:40:02 Hi Jess, Bacardi, Margaret & All thanks once again - except for comment about sticky hands! Very cruel to mock the afflicted you know! I have been forced to spend the day cleaning in order to render house safe for my return after op. So, I am currently feeling pathetically sorry for myself and need to get a grip. Have decided husband will have to be in charge of obsessively waiting for messages whilst I am in hospital - it will keep him out of mischief and stop him messing up my (nearly) tidy house. I will let you all know if anything happens. I am trying to keep expectations and hopes low - and to just expect the worst. Hope that works! Weather man says it will be pleasantly cool tonight - a few hours sleep would probably work wonders for me too. Take care all of you, and thanks for continued support and shared experiences, Helenx x x

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 29/07/2006 22:30:28 wishing you well helen for your up and coming op dont forget the disinfectant wipes very handy when going into hospital bacardi xxxx Added by Helen Hughes on 29/07/2006 22:38:59 Bacardi la la la I'm not listening. Had to sit through big lecture on mrsa from surgeon and then he made me listen to details of what operation would entail, very gruesome, got all B&Q ish, mentioned drilling and things yuck! So, the hospital phobia - which wasnt doing very well anyway went skyrocketting! Must admit I am dreading the thought. When I went in to have youngest daughter I was a total nightmare., All I kept saying was 'Can I go home now?'. Midwife suggested I waited till I had had baby - I was not entirely convinced. Then OH shouted at me cos I wouldnt get on the bed because the sheet was dirty. I suggested he should lie on it if he thought it that important. I was so bad I had to go round and apologise to everybody when they finally let me come home. Oh and the bathroom, I am still having nightmares about that bathroom. I have 3 kids and even they cant make a room look like that. you must have to try really hard to get things that dirty. Thanks for the good wishes though, as you can see I am handling the whole thing beautifully, really taking it in my stride! Hospital phobia is normally a really good phobia to have - not normally a problem - it's just not that great at the moment. Thanks again - you can all virtually-sign my pot if you'd like! Helenx x x Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 29/07/2006 22:54:04 I'll give you la la la la la... I saw your reply, and popped to the loo whilst i thought up a sensible reply - dipped dressing gown belt down the loo and wee'd on it- AND IT ALL YOUR FAULT!! I'll sign your pot - and we'll re name you hop-along. I was really quite poorly in hospital, following an ectopic pregnancy , when my now Ex brought in a letter from my birth mother, announcing she'd decided to sever contact - wonderful timing , eh? Jess Added by Helen Hughes on 30/07/2006 00:01:36 I dont see how your dressing gown disaster was entirely my fault! I will admit i may have had a small part to play, that my last reply perhaps didnt start in the most mature way possible.... but to be fair the whole thing with phobia's is that they arent rational! As to toilets - I wouldnt go to the one in hospital until they said they wouldnt let me go home unless I did! Besides you are supposed to be all supportive and kind and everything - not all 'It's your fault'. lots of love Hop-a-long! Added by Helen Hughes on 30/07/2006 00:03:28 Sorry about your experience though Jess. Timing is everything isnt it? Talk about being kicked when you are down! You are so strong on here though - so quick to reassure everyone else - it's a real credit to you. Helenx x x Added by Lorraine Winks on 30/07/2006 13:51:47 nudge for susan Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 30/07/2006 17:49:51 la la la helen and jess nice to see a bit of humour on here love bacardi xxxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 31/07/2006 22:43:06 Time for a nudge to get us back to the top - hope all goes well with 'ops' etc. Have total 'phobias about being not in control of my own destiny i.e. if aneasthetised (think thats spelt wrongly), or if shut in plane, etc. I know plenty of normal people have claustrophobia, but does the 'out of control' bit ring any bells with adoptees, especially those who were adopted a bit later. For example I was two. As my own children came up to two, and also my grandchildren, I found myself very distressed to think that at that age Mummy and Daddy suddenly disappeared and I never saw them again. Just think how a two-year old often reacts when Mum goes out of the room, or out of the house without the child. At two you don't understand 'back in a minute'. I know people lose their parents in any number of sad ways, I don't want to offend people who have been bereaved etc. But I do think that at least for me, being taken from my parents, (and also my grandfather whom I have since found out looked after me a lot and was very upset when I was sent away)caused the lack of security and clinging on to things that has plagued my life and made moving house very difficult. From being in quite a large family, I have three older halves, and mother had just had my baby full sister, I was briefly in a childrens' home and then brought up as an only child. invetorate hoarder Eileen

Added by Beverly- Michelle on 31/07/2006 22:48:11 Hi Eileen, I haven't been adopted (I am looking for my adopted Sis) but I do worry about my Nephew, he lost his father when he was three and people have advised that he would be experiencing the same feelings throughout his life that you are experiencing, these things manifests themselves in numerous ways. I think losing my Brother makes me also wonder more and more about how my adopted sis is. Bev Added by Eileen Bowman on 31/07/2006 23:06:59 Hi Bev-M Yes, I would think a lot of the 'wobbles' would be similar, although being a boy he may have made himself hide them. I hope he was able to stay in the same house and with people and things that he knew at least for a while. I think it would be important for a child that age, not to be suddenly moved from familiar surroundings. People often suggest moving away to help a child (or adult)to forget. Forgetting is not actually very good for us we are now told by therapists - not been there myself, but know those who have - letting ourselves go through the period of pain, or mourning is thought to be more helpful. Adoptees cannot mourn, they are supposed to be the source of happiness for their new parents. Quite tricky, that idea. Eileen Added by Eileen Bowman on 01/08/2006 22:40:35 Margaret, its absolutely heartbreaking and disgraceful just thinking of it. How could people do this to children. My half bro. was adopted twice, at four and at six. He is still marked by it all. Who can we hold responsible for these decisions. My sister and I should not have been put up for adoption at all, our father wanted us and was easily traceable, and his wife had been ready to accept us. I have a letter from her telling me. Amazing woman. I saw your earlier posting re your sister, my search might end the same way. Its been so long, and nothing, not one clue. ((hugs)) Eileen Added by Pain In The.... on 02/08/2006 00:00:08 Hi Everybody For the last couple of weeks I have been looking to try and set a free website up for adoptions. I havent been successful. The reason being, I cant get my head round it all. If anyone else is interested in giving it a go try beep or bluevoda. I wish I had the brains to do it. Sorry, Jayne Added by Margaret Rider on 02/08/2006 17:45:50 Thanks Eileen. I must say I did wonder if your sister might have already died as I can't see any trace of her - still keep searching though for you. Best wishesx Added by Eileen Bowman on 02/08/2006 18:10:16 Jayne - was it you before? Someone a few weeks ago was looking into doing a cross-referencing tracing site and I got quite excited and sent her a long posting about what I would like to see included. If it was you, I hope I did not put you off. If it wasn't you, I would like to know how you were going to set up the cross-referencing. Bear in mind I am aged 62 silverish surfer (lol) and can't cope with computor speak. Can do good written English though. We older adoptees desperately need a site that is year sortable. i.e. a specific section for war babies. You will have seen my postings ad nauseum re my full sister. Both of us were war babies (any date up to 9ish months after V day). Did not see your posting last night as was not on line. Don't give up. Eileen Added by **Mel in Oz** on 04/08/2006 02:22:44 Hi Everyone, Well I would like a bit of advice actually today and I know that you all could spare some LOL I am sick of waiting 8 to 12 weeks for emails from BM, I check the computer everyday looking for one from her ( never thought I would be like that ) and now I am over it. I have written an email to her ( not sent yet) it's still saved on the computer, pretty much asking her that if she can't spare me the time once a month to send me an email I would like to cut ties altogether. Maybe I would give her an easy opening not to send anymore as maybe she does not want to, but does not know how to say it. At least I would not be checking them. Maybe she feels that she does not need to as my 1/2 BS and I email each other 3 to 4 times a week and she tells her everything. But that is not the same is it ? I didn't want a full on relationship with BM as this would make me feel guilty with my adopted parents, but is once a month to much to ask for. One more thing, do you adoptees with children find that you are extremely over protective of them or is it just who you are and nothing to do with being adopted. Cya Mel

Added by Too blooming hot . on 04/08/2006 11:49:09 Hi Mel My own bm finds it extremely difficult to email her children as she says she doesn't know what to say. Suffice it to say communication is very limited and I usually give her a ring occasionally as its easier to talk without saying much about anything. Two of the others communicate from Australia via email but again its not that regular on either side. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 04/08/2006 14:29:56 HI ALL COMMUNICATION SEEMS TO BE A BIG ISSUE WHEN FINAL CONTACT HAS BEEN MADE WITH BIRTH FAMILYS,IV TOO BEEN IN THIS SITUATION.ONE OF MY BIRTH FAMILY WAITED 2YRS BEFORE GETTING INTOUCH AND THEN FONED ME AGAIN A FEW MONTHS LATER,MY OTHER BIRTH FAMILY MEMBER LEAVES IT ABOUT 6MONTHS.I FIND THIS VERY FUSTRATING AS I KEEP INTOUCH WITH THEM AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK,ITS LIKE THEY HAVE THE CONTROL OVER COMMUNICATING,ITS A THING THAT I HAVE HAD TO GET USE TO WITH OUT CHOICE I WAS AN ADOPTEE WHO WAS VERY PROTECTIVE OVER MY FIRST BORN BUT FOUND OUT THIS IS A NATURAL THING FOR ALL FIRST TIME MUMS AND THAT I WAS NORMAL HUGS BACARDI XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Added by Margaret Rider on 05/08/2006 12:42:10 Hi everyone Reading the last few stories perhaps we want too much out of the contact with our 'lost family'. My own birth mother wasn't good at communication even though we had so many years together. How do we fit into their lives again after being 'sent' away. Most of these birth family members never thought they would hear from us or about us again and then all of a sudden we 'pop up' and want to be part of their family. Perhaps we shouldn't push them too much and just wait for contact from them. We have made the first move so probably we just need to sit back and wait and wait and wait!! It's such a difficult time. I had contact with one of my half sisters a few years back and contact is about two or three times a year. We still haven't met although I have been near to where she lives and seen the area where my birth father grew up. I tried to ring her a few times but there were always excuses so I've just decided to sit back and wait for her to call me. Perhaps the birth family think we will alter their lives and somehow take over - another possibility. They might be happy as they are and not want us around although happy to know that we were OK and had a good life. Perhaps we don't regard what half siblings feel over the matter. They might be eager to start off with and then want the matter to ease off just in case 'we' take a too important part into their parents lives. The birth parents also might feel they are betraying their own children by having this contact so ease off. What do other think? Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 05/08/2006 13:15:18 mel an observation, nothing more. quote from what you wrote below ''I didn't want a full on relationship with BM as this would make me feel guilty with my adopted parents, but is once a month to much to ask for.'' I would imagine your BM is quite confused as to what you do want - You dont want a full on relationship but you want to know what is what each and every month...! in a way, what she seems to be doing is 'having her say' by not responding to you. maybe what she wants isn't being considered here. Is B/M in Oz too? Jess xx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 05/08/2006 17:23:27 hi margaret i think you make great sence in what you say,after 3yrs of contact things have eased off considerably but i totally agree with your thoughts bacardi xx