General Chat

MESSAGE FOR LADY ANNE Madame, I do so hate repeating myself so please listen up. As I shall only say this one more time. I do not frequent your bordello so you must be mistaken as to who was swinging on your chandelier. I have already informed SLUTTY JEAN that I am an "old soak" and not a lady of the night. SECURITY DAVE Thank you for getting rid of that tiresome rat and you shall have kippers for breakfast;-) JAC THE DRAC Get yourself down to sickbay for some fresh blood as you must be having withdrawl symptoms. I would skin you alive and wear DRAC shoes before touching one scale on Boris's scaley back. ATTENTION: What has happened to the new assistant cook has anybody seen her.? Please don't tell me that she too has joined the brothel. Where is that "lazy bugger" dishwasher? FAT LADY, COOK

i must be off now hopefully i will be able to find my special pills later but i can feel myselff melting...must rush....speak to u soon Steph EM

That would explain why I need to have my top lip waxed fortnightly then. Thanks for the advice I will now stick to soap and water. Lady M

WARNING - do not put mamoth poo on your face - you will grow hair overnight - mind you, if there are any bald headed geysers on board, perhaps for a small fee for a hand-size portion of poo we might make a killing! Ask the sluts which of their customers wear wigs, and we might have a ready market! Jac the Drac Chief Entrepreneur

I heard the poo may be good for your skin, Could I have some for a facepak please Lady M

Well if Dr Longlegs is absent and no one minds a 2'6" short sighted ex-vampire for a doctor then I will help out (I only work at nights though) Regarding the mamoth poo - have you no extra large Huggies on board woman - use your noddle - if necessary get some bath towels and stitch them together to make hugemonous nappies - do we need to advertise for a nappy-changer? On the plus side, the mamoth poo might be useful in the Italian Garden to fertilise the crops, and help feed the camels (several of which are becoming frisky and growing lumps where they didnt ought to) Jac the Drac

i'm off for my excersise class now, need to get in shape for when the sun comes out, I can shade anyone that burns easily. Lady M

Jac Doc wears glasses.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I'm waist deep in mammoth poo. If someone doesn't come up with an idea for storing that mammoth soon I'm going to put it off at the next port and be damned. Just don't blame me if we have need of an emergency mammoth at any point on this voyage. I've been baling out all day (as have the surplus elves) and so have missed breakfast and lunch - not to mention the rest of the action onboard today. Angela, Quartermaster

Where is Dr Longlegs then? jumped ship? she had toooo much to do that woman - I told I said, you have tooooo much to do woman and yet she kept on and on. I am not qualified to be Dr. I can only deal with stiffies and vampire thingys - mind you if you lot eat the Shepherds Pie then I will be pretty busy (with my trochar at the ready) Jac the Drac and Chief Mortician

manda u have the job!!

Turned out it wasnt Wayne but Mickey - so the laughs on the sluts! Jac the Drac

Jac- How does being Doc sound to u? Steph EM

I'll just watch from the Royal box then.

King Daniel - you already think you are God - you cannot therefore play his part (dopey sounds more like your area) Why aren't you counting bricks? I will volunteer to play one of the dwarfs (being only 2' 6" tall anyway I think I qualify) Dont care which one it is as long as there is no speaking part (cos of my listhp) Also, does one of the dwarfs wear specs? if so, then I'll be that one (bi-focals necessary) Must be time now for a drinkie-poo or two - just steer clear of the Shepherd's Pie - you have been warned. Jac - under-Chief Medical Officer for Health

king- u can be snowhite or one of the dwarfs!

and are you good at being sleepy? Steph EM Ps. I am sorry everyone Karioke is cancelled...if i can find my special pills tonite which stop me melting after 5.30 i will re schedule it!x

God

King- who would you like to play?

Oh Yippee, SS Utopia really is real. I thought it was me going mad, obsesive behaviour syndrome. Cant eat, sleep or even go to the toilet without worrying I am missing something. Time for another jab I think, Nurse, Nurse where are you, I'm sick. Lady Marmalade (M)