General Chat

Bev,
naughty but nice!

Julia x

Just hope it doesnt offend anyone

Bev x

Brilliant Julie.........!!

Hope this doesnt offend as it is a bit naughty.......funny but naughty!!




He laid her on the table,
So white and clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then he felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide -- he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
...And then he stuffed the turkey.


Bev x

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, but please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


Bev xx

One Day After Christmas


It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.

It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.

They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.

The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.

It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys

My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair

I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.

Bev x

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!

Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear watson.

More Xmas books

Surprise present!
Omar Gosh
I'd rather have fish for Christmas Dinner
Ann Chovie
Happy New Year
Mary Christmas
Will Grandpa come for Christmas
Woody Kum
Too much Christmas Dinner
O. Beets
My Brother Hogs all the Potatoes
Dick Tator

Some good Xmas books

The Art of Kissing
Miss L Toe
Winning at Charades
Vic Tree
Guessing your Presents
P King
Bad Gifts
M.T. Box
How to get a Great Present
B Good
What do do after Christmas Dinner
Clare Inup
101 Cures for Indegestion
Ivor Pain
Sledging for Beginners
I.C. Bottom
Christmas Questions
I Dunnoe & Noah Little
Make your parents get what you want
Ruth Lesschild

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED !
Apparently you women told Santa you were good in bed, and he died laughing

Christmas is coming
The wife is getting fat ............. so I'm leaving

lol , Nice ones Ding Dong Belle

Christine and Julia

Loved those last two, falling off my chair !!
Missed reading the thread for the last few days , must catch up.

Sandie.

Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat
- let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I grateful went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

pmsl ,

CC......

Bob

Christine
love the doggy one, so so true !
Sandie.x

Guess who posted a Chrissie card to Australia......
without going to the post office first...........TA DA!!!

Bob

Hiya girls...the thread has been resurrected from 2005! lol....such fun....BC XX