General Chat

I am not trying to bear a grudge but I do think that we who have lived the miserable existence of being the child of a narcissist are in a position, now that we have the information to identify the reason for it, to turn our enormous negatives into positives for the benefit of the children who will have the same misfortune.

We may be the only people who can bring about this enormous good.

Sharron, it's people like you who have brought this to the fore.
As was said a few years ago, those with narcissism don't know there is a problem - it's the rest of the world - or one unfortunate child!!
They (the narcissist) would wonder why they would need help, and the 'victim' would find it hard to describe why they thought their parent suffered from this, as it only vaguely affected others.

My mother was on the mild scale compared to others. My sister finally realised her attitude to me, when I was 50 odd years old!!
Actually, sometimes I'm not sure whether it was Narcissism or just a dislike of me - I was a definite 'accident', and (as I was constantly reminded) a 'difficult' baby - like I could change that!
I can assure everyone that, after the age of about 2 years I didn't 'cry for no reason'. I may have randomly thrown up - but it wasn't deliberate :-(
This was held against me (and not in a jokingly 'god you were awful' way) until she died.

Oh - and I still randomly throw up for no reason, but I don't hold it against me :-D :-D :-D

So do I maggie.

There was a chain called AJ's a few years ago and they did a lovely cheese and potato dish with cream sauce and veg in it. It was delicious and I would try to go in there as often as I could.

Unfortunately it would sometimes come back up with very little warning even before I had finished it all.

It did used to annoy me when I had to pay for it when I didn't even still have it!

:-D :-D :-D :-D
I'm not that bad!!!
I usually throw up in the morning. Good start to the day - NOT :-(

Narcissism is so hard to describe. I am reasonably articulate and could not ever make it sound plausible because there is no, one big situation to describe so it is impossible for a child victim to ask for help.

I think that it may be at the root of the current problem with obesity and addictions to substances, be hey alcohol, nicotine or narcotics. They are all ways that people turn to to rectify some shortfall in their life.

The problem is, one sounds like a wingeing spoilt kid.

I've got 3 older siblings and none of them realised - actually maybe the younger brother realised but didn't know what he realised at the time. It's also very difficult to discuss maternal shortfalls with siblings, as we all see her in a different light. When you think about it, siblings may see what's going on, and are just grateful it's not them.
Yes, I confess to nicotine and alcohol, but only fairly recently - work (ex- work- yay!) may have something to do with it.

Next family gathering may be difficult for my 2 brothers and 1 sister, as I question them on mum's attitudes etc to them.
Fortunately, I'm reassured none of us suffer from it. The 3 of us who have children are really in to helping those with problems, as are our children. Grandchildren seem very empathetic, so I live in hope!!


......but will be watching .........

I think in my case one good thing has come out of this, I make sure I don't turn into my mother for the sake of my 3 sons and grandaughters.

My brother can't see any wrong in my late mother, said she did her best etc etc but he doesn't know half, he is 5 yrs younger than me, and had a different upbringing to me, with a lot more leniency and allowed to go out without doing chores etc first. My mother was so much more protective of me than my youngest brother, haven't discussed things with middle brother as he doesn't talk to me or my bro. Don't know why, but he was always different to us, more like my Dad whereas me and younger bro are similar to Mum in several ways. Younger bro has no children altho he has been married for many years.

Lizx

I can relate to many persons stories from on here,
I am under the care of mental health team whom I have been with for 12 years now. yes my problems are stemmed from my mother and trying to explain my past and my relationship with my mother to my phyciatrist was hard so when I saw this thread on here many years ago I jumped at the chance and I told my phyciatrist to read about `narcissistic mothers` then it wasn't as hard for me to talk of other things she inflicted upon me,
My mother always told me she wished me dead and many other things but also she was never afraid to tell others of how she felt about me!
I was under a phyciatrist at the age of 13years till I was 16yrs. the amount of times I tried to take my life was unbelievable.
I find it very hard to trust and when I tell someone anything I often think `do they believe me`
I am in my 50`s my children have turned their back on me and have 9 gorgeous grandchildren who I don`t see which in turn leaves me deeply upset.
As a person I find life very hard to cope with each day!

Linda, I feel very sad for you at the way your life has turned out. Do come on here for support when you feel low. If you can find the strength try to do something positive for yourself or others when you can, and maybe keep a diary or notebook in which you write down things that happen, including nice things too. Write things you would like to tell your grandchildren in case you ever get the opportunity to contact them. At least they might find out that you cared for them and didn't ignore them.

Take care of yourself and look forward to the coming year, it might just be better than the last!

Lizx

Thinking of you Lavender, what a lot you did for everyone, wish I had a sister or friend like you. Surely some people were grateful, concentrate on those ones and enjoy their pleasure.

Lizxx

Purple thank you for your response, I do find that the pc has been a godsend for me just to read how others live and yes I find that there are a lot of truly kind people on here!
Yes I have wrote a few letters and made their familytree plus many other things for my grandchildren in the future. I do also whether their parents tear them up is send them christmas/birthday cards... and I am going to write that story of myself!

Well done for your efforts so far Linda, maybe the children do get to the post before their parents and see the cards but at least you know you have tried. Enjoy writing your story, don't give up

Lizx

Where do we learn to be mothers? From our own mothers of course.

I decided from a very young age that, if this was what the parent child relationship was like, then I was not going to submit myself to it again from the other side, so I didn't have children.

Maybe I would have made a different decision given my life over again with the benefit of hindsight. I don't know.

It could be that you made some monumental mistakes Linda, and that is why they are treating you this way.

They would not have been deliberate mistakes, you only knew about being a mother from your own experience.

Both OH and I are the children of narcissistic mothers. I have only recently convinced him that the way his mother behaved was not necessarily the right way, even if she said it was, and that he is wrong to behave to me in the same way. I am actually more important than going to work at every opportunity, as should he have been when his mother left him with yet another au pair.

Thank you, Purple :-)

You are doing really well, Linda. Even mothers who have not suffered as children and have not had the genes and lack of nurturing that often lead to mental illness, do not always have good relationships with their children. You are doing your best. I am full of admiration for what you are trying to do.

Sad that you and your oh have both suffered, Sharron. One will never know whether one made the right decisions but it's all about moving forward isn't it? Learning to enjoy the here and now..

Thinking of anybody suffering mental turmoil and sending warm wishes <3 <3 <3

Lavender, you have no reason to be ashamed about what the relative did to you sexually. You ARE NOT TO BLAME! You were the child, the relative was the adult, or at least old than you.

You aren't a victim, you are survivor. If the truth be told, there are probably many many adults of our 'don't tell' generation who are only now finding the strength to tell someone. The people you love and who love you won't look at you differently. You will still be the person they love <3

I am so pleased I found that article.

Who ever wrote it should be fast-tracked to sainthood.

For the many people who are still trying to sort out their emotions, having had a narcissistic mother, I have found a site called 'The Narcissists Child'.

It is contributed to by some very rational and intelligent people and gives some very good advice on ways to deal with the mental and emotional aftermath of the experience.

Just thought somebody might need this.

one never knows Sharron - only with this thread I realised my mother had a condition - narcissitic