Genealogy Chat

Hi Just wondered if anyone had any good or bad experiences of contacting newly found half relatives such as brothers or sisters. I have been looking for my dad's father who he has not seen since the 1940s. It was no surprise to find out he had passed away back in 1980 and a recently acquired death certificate showed his son registered the death. This man is seemingly my dad's half bother and my half uncle. I want to write to him, but do not want to cause any distress if he didn't know anything about my dad or that his father had been married before. Not sure how much detail to go into. Should I be open and upfront, or perhaps a little vague so as not to scare him off. It would be useful to know if anyone had been through this scenario and can offer any advice

Not been there myself, but I suppose you could write saying that you are tracing your family tree and believe you are connected, giving details. Then its up to him whether or not to contact you. If you don't contact him you'll never know. The worst thing that could happen is nothing. nell

Been there and done it. potentially 8 TIMES.. with reasonably good results...(went thru the list of potentials , and eventually didnt send last 3 because they were all related and got hooked in by another one) Start very simply - say you are researching a family tree which you think includes on Mr so and so. Be a bit vaugue on year of birth, perhaps a couple of years out and ask if there is anything they can add in order to confirm that the person is who you think they are. - Throw the ball to them to tell what they know, include your mobile number if you feel brave - i wouldn't give a landline number at his stage. jess

Hello Catherine -What a difficult situation for you to be in. My friend was in this position a couple of years ago. We were sitting in her kitchen sharing a couple of bottles of wine (as you do!!) when her phone rang. She appeared about half an hour later looking very pale and shocked and said that she had just had a call from a half-sister in Canada who she didn't know existed (I might add that my friend is 56!!). It seems that her father had been married before he married my friend's mother and already had two children. My friend knew nothing about this at all. The discover caused quite a stir in the family. Nobody told mum who would have been devastated to know that the secret was out. She died this year with nobody having let on. My friend's brother met up with the newly-found sister without telling her and it caused a rift between them. I think that a great deal of caution is called for. It may be a case of letting sleeping dogs lie.

I think a letter is definitely better than a phone call which puts someone on the spot, and you don't know who will answer it either, whereas hopefully a letter will initially be read by the person its addressed to. nell

Jess is SO right – play it softly, softly, leaving them room to get out without hurt feelings if they want. Helped adopted friend contact birth aunt –we just wrote “trying to find out some info about …. As you have the same surname & live in same town,wondered if you could help us at all. If this lady was not connected with you, we apologise sincerely for the intrusion and hope we have not caused any offence” Good luck J

Have you got your dads consent?

Hi to everyone who has replied so far and thank you. It is really tricky. I want to do the right thing but am really worried about upsetting people. My dad does know I have tracked down his father's death and that I was waiting for the certificate to arrive. I got it yesterday, but he has been away for a few days so I am waiting to speak to him face to face. He has expressed a desire to contact any half siblings that might pop out of the woodwork. I think it might be better for me to do it, as at least I am one step removed. I thought I might mention a few of the things I have discovered from years gone from a few generations back to whet his appetite. But I don't want him to think I have misled him and then it all go pear shaped. Will let you know how I get on if and when I get the nerve to write the letter. No doubt it will take several careful drafts. Thanks Catherine

Hello again Catherine - Didn't mean to put you off!!! I hope that you will go carefully and that any contact that you have will be successful. It would be wonderful to be reunited with your half-siblings. Love and luck - Angela x

fROM EXPERIENCE IT WOULD BE BETTER COMING FROM HIM -

Just wondering if your Dad's mother is alive. How would she feel about contact? I would want to make contact but as Jess says it might be better coming from your Dad, even if you compile the letter for him. Tread very gently. It's a big thing to find out about a sibling and not everyone can cope with that. Someone we know felt that he had been lied to all his life. .... Not so much a lie really, but an incomplete truth, as he thought he was an only child until earlier this year and he is now 48.

Gwyneth - my dad's mother died in 1992. I think that loyalty to his mother always stopped my dad from trying to find his father and it was always at the back of his mind that his father had not tried to maintain contact. My grandmother apparently never said a bad word about her husband to my dad and we do not really know why the marriage broke down. I have spoken to my dad this morning to tell him the news. He definitely wants to make contact and we are going to put our heads together to come up with a sensitive letter. Cheerio C

Catherine I can understand the loyalty aspect. Whatever happened in the past cannot be changed so we can only guess at the circumstances. I do hope that you have a successful result, when you try contacting the half sibling. If it's not too private, we'd love to hear about it. Gwyn

Hi Catherine, Do you know whether your dad's father did things ''officially'' - ie was he divorced from your dad's mum and then went on to marry the mother of the later children?? If he did marry officially, the second time round (with or without getting a divorce lol), it might be worth getting the marriage cert (if it's possible for you to trace it). Then you would know whether at that stage he was admitting to a previous marriage. If he wasn't , and said he was a bachelor, then the existence of another family is definitely going to be a shock, but if he was known to be a divorcee then MAYBE they might not be so shocked, even if they didn't know any details about the earlier marriage???? Good luck with your letter........ Merry

Hello
I'm updating this message as have now found my half sister

it was through this site! wow. Although she is in Canada we have now met as took a trip across there last year.

We got on pretty well I think to say we are strangers after all.

Gail


I have a half sister whom I would dearly love to contact but haven't as yet.
I did have a look for her birth certificate in the st. catherines index to no avail as a first step.
That was some time ago and haven't done anything since.

Hi Merry That's a good idea to see if there was a second marriage and what he declared his marital status as. He did divorce from my grandmother but not until 1971. They separated in 1941! We thought he may have wanted to get remarried at that point although he would have been about 63. However, it wouldn't surprise me if he maybe married without getting a divorce as you say and then officialised things years later. I have found out where dad's half brother works via google and his career profile is on his company's website. Based on that he is aged about 56-65. My dad is almost 69 so there is not a huge age gap and I even wondered if infidelity was the cause of the break up. So many questions and ifs and maybes!!!! C

Gail Only you know what is right for your circumstances. It can work out well though. Have you seen Sandra's message on the Success board?

Hi Catherine, I'm in the same situation myself at the moment, my mother was told from the age of 3 that her mother had died, she's now 66. While tracing her mother side back she asked if I could find out how her mother died, well I found out she didn't die!! I found a possible birth for a child she may have had later, thankfully it's not a very common name at all, I got the half brothers birth certificate and it said her first married name on it so the brother must know his mum was married before even if he doesn't know about my mum. I've now sent off for the divorce records to see why they divorced so I can be more prepared. It is hard, I don't want to upset the other family but it hasn't been easy for my mum either finding out her father lied to her and not ever knowing her mother, even if they don't want to know it is my hope that they may understand a little about how my mum feels and if nothing else she would dearly love a picture of her mother as she has never seen one and would at least like to know what she looks like. Good luck!! I'll be thinking of you and your father. Regards Fiona.

The only advice i can give,and this is from personal experience is .... a) be prepared for rejection b) be aware that people can change their mind or go cold on you,after an initial warm welcome.

Hi Fiona You've hit the nail on the head. If my father could get a photo it would mean the world to him. He has got a small photo he always thought was his dad but he is not certain. And as you say, perhaps after any initial shock his half brother may understand the reason for contacting him even if we don't establish a relationship. Good luck with your own research. Perhaps we could let each other know the outcome. Catherine