Genealogy Chat

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Those of you who have been helping me find the details of my dad's family will know I knew nothing about my grandfather. Through your help I found his marriage to my grandmother and his birth. I wanted to access his army records and needed his death certificate. I telephoned the local crematorium today and found out he died in 1991 in a residential home and was buried in a shared grave. This has absolutely devastated me. How can this happen in 1991? This man had children who he disowned and hadn't see for over 40 years but he didn't deserve to go like this. He had severe mental problems caused during the war. I'm I stupid to feel like this - sat here crying while I'm typing this - about a man I never knew and who made my dad's life hell the few years they lived together? Jayne x

Jayne, There are SSooo many really sad things that happen in this world. You discover many of them when you embark on this 'hobby'. - The only thing I can say is that you cannot change the past - learn from it, but don't let it destroy your future. Think of what you have now and how you can go forward and TRY not to get too upset about things in the past which you cannot change. Dea x

Thanks Dea, I know you're right and I will try and look at it that way. It's just so hard when it's not some distant relative who died a hundred years ago, it's my grandfather who died 15 years ago. I didn't know these things still happened. Thank you for your support. Jayne x

I agree with what Dea said..... Is it the shared grave that is the part bothering you.....??? If I say plenty of people, rich and poor, are still buried in communal graves (ie with strangers) it makes it sound as if I'm saying ''pull yourself together'', which I'm not! It's a relatively modern concept to have a family grave (well, except for the very rich).......... Isn't it strange how things can catch you out though?? Merry

That's a shame Jayne, iam always surprised at my own reaction when i find out about something sad. My mother had an older sister who died from food poisoning after a sunday school trip when she was just 11. I was devastated to find she was in a poorpa's grave with other people she didn't know. It still upsets me when i think about it. That was 1931 i can only think it was the depression and maybe there wasn't any money about.Still nothing we can do about it is there? Best wishes Gill

Hi Merry, Yes it is the shared grave that's upset me. He was lost in action during the war and when he was found he and the others with him had lost the plot according to my Mum. Apparently he went between living on the street and time is psyciatric hospitals as he just couldn't cope with the real world and never got in touch with his family again. I just feel that he was badly let down by everyone through no fault of his own. Do I tell my Dad? Jayne x

Thanks Gill. I think being new to all this I found it all so exciting when I uncovered something - I must admit even a death - that this has totally thrown me. At least now I can get his death certificate and then hopefully his army records and that might let me understand exactly what did happen to him. Jayne x

Without knowing your dad, it's hard to say....but I would say tell him you have found out where g-dad was buried.......and leave it at ......you don't have to tell him the details if you don't want to. I doubt his first Q will be......''was it a shared grave?'' Merry

Awwww Jayne. I have just read your posting this am. I felt so sad for you. I had been told my Bmother had died + thats why I was adopted.I have only fairly recently started researching + when I actually found her the death registered it really upset me. Life is so unfair sometimes isn't it. Has your Dad asked if you have found any information about your Grandad? I tend to agree with Merry Montys comments regarding telling him. Does he know you have been doing research? Regards Ann

I feel for you too. My mum asked me to try and find out what happened to her father, my grandfather. He left home in 1931 leaving a family of 5 children, never to be seen again. Mum for some reason presumed he had died fairly young but I found he died in 1973. When I phoned to find out which cemetary I was told he had no headstone, just a number. I too, feel very sad that this could have happened. He died alone and had a whole family and lots of grandchildren who, I am sure, would have dearly loved to have known him. I know I would have. Strange thing too is I never knew my own father and when told he had died felt a very big loss as I knew I would never get the chance to meet him. Life is very strange at times.

Oh Jayne You silly billy you, love you for it all the same. I think most of us shed a little tear at one time or another while doing this hobby. I feel sorrow at all the babies born and die at birth and registered as baby so n so or male/female so n so. Yesterday I was helping my friend find her grandfather. Found him! also her G.grandfather!! she was soo excited she neally hit the roof lol (know that feeling?) Then we found his death........ She couldn't stop crying bless her. I had to remind her that it was almost 100 years ago. Hopefully I made her feel better because as a pressie from me to her. I ordered her two marriage certs. We are now BOTH waiting for Mr postie. Roll on 20th march!!! lol and it looks like we have another member of our gang on here. All these people were dead and forgotton along time ago and now we are digging them up. I hope I get dug up in 100 years time! lol I never want to be forgotton. Chins up Jayne and enjoy this infuriating hobby. Your not alone. Gerri<<<passes the kleenex round. xx

Jayne, This is so terribly sad - and as you can see, many people here know how you are feeling a bit. My nan passed away almost a year ago - my last surviving grandparent - and I was devastated. Within a short time, I had then discoverd that her husband (my granddad - passed away almost two years ago) had a brother who passed away when he was 5 months and 19 days old. I was determined to find his grave... and I did. An unmarked grave, not clearly defined at all - in fact, hubby and I are still trying to locate the exact small area that is his grave. I was also informed that unless the exact grave site is found and marked, the council can reclaim the ground very soon - about seven years time. I believe the particular part of the cemetary where my great-uncle is buried is to be sold off for housing land. Across the bottom of the cemetary, are tiny graves so closely packed together, the babes in each one could hold hands with the next one along....so close are they. These graves will be forever unmarked - a p[aupers gravesite for babies. It is devastating to see and know about. I'll be making a temporary marker for the grave soon - and hubby and I along with my mum will be taking measures and grave numbers to find the exact spot to commerorate this short little life. We all uncover such tragedies within our family trees - and it all goes to making the tapestry that is our family histories. Sadness and tears, and laughter and happiness.... there are both, and we should celebrate all of these - as they are all parts of our ancestors existance. I hope that, in the future, you can feel happier that you have found your relative, and accept your discoveries. Happy hunting for the future, Jayne... and may your family tree grow a little every day.

I do not know your age, so forgive me if I am making presumptions about you that are not right. I would think perhaps that the most upsetting thing about your discovery is that grandfather's death was so recent - only about 15 years ago. If you are yourself in your forties, or thereabouts, you would perhaps feel that had you known about grandfather's circumstances, you could have visited him and perhaps made a difference to a sad ending. If you were a lot younger it is likely that you would not have been allowed to see him, nor be able to do anything. It is the feeling of 'if only I had known' that is the hardest to deal with. I missed finding my birth father - partly from carelessness - losing track of a certificate - partly through being very busy with a large family of young children, and partly because we all think there is all the time in the world. Once I re-found the certificate, and did a tracing, it was too late by about 15 years. Sadly I discovered that he had never forgotten me, and had always worried about what had happened to me. Such a little thing as just knowing where I was would have comforted him. All we can do when this happens to us, is to make a private decision to not let time slip by, next time. Whether you tell your father or not is a very difficult choice. It would possibly make him feel even worse than you do, and that would be unkind as probably he did not have a choice early on, and it is only relatively recently that the internet has made a lot of searching easier. On the other hand if you do not tell him, have you the right to withold the knowledge. If you simply tell him that you have found the grave and want to put flowers or a memorial, then he will likely want to know more. Too difficult a decision for anyone else to advise on. Life, as always, is not easy best wishes Eileen

Thank you all so much for your wonderful support and for sharing your own stories. I went to see my parents yesterday and spent last night and today with them. I took my family history stuff with me, Mum and Dad have been really supportive of me doing it. I got Mum on her own and told her what I'd found out. She was upset by it too but thought it would be better if she told Dad about it when they were on their own. I asked Dad to sign the papers for the Army records office to release his father's records and told him that I'd ordered the death certificate as I needed it to get the records. He went very quiet but he signed the papers. My Dad had a very strange upbringing and had next to no contact with his father and the memories he does have are all bad. Mum says he's frightened about what I might uncover about him as he had mental health problems after returning from the war and we know he lived a large part of his life living on the streets of our local town. I now know that I was 21 when he died but until I was in my late 20's he was never mentioned. I feel a little better about it now as I've decided to go and visit the grave this weekend - my birthdays on Saturday so I thought I'd share a little of it with a grandad I never knew and one day if I ever win the lottery I'll try and find a way to give him a proper send off. Thank you all once again it means so much to me that you've taken the time to add your thoughts and know I'm not alone. Jayne xxxxx

Jayne, Like you I've been very upset by burials in common graves. My grandmother died of TB in 1912 and her last baby in 1911.They were both buried in common graves in Abney Park Cemetery in London. It wasn't untill I contacted the cemetery last month that I found out about their graves. It hit me really hard as I know that the family were not destitute and they could have found the money for single graves and headstones. I have just about acceptedt hat there is nothing I can do about it now but it still hurts. Viv

I know exactly how you feel Viv and it's an awful feeling. I know I'll find other sad things during this journey of discovery but hopefully there will be a lot more happiness than sadness. Jayne x

You are right, overall there is more happiness than sadness........ and I'm sorry to pinch your thread title! it was unintentional, but now we are both gutted together! Merry

That's OK Merry I did put a post on yours as well. As I've already said it's so reassuring to find there are other people on here who understand exactly how you're feeling and can share the bad as well as the good things. Hope you're feeling a little better. Jayne x

Jayne I dont know if this idea will help, but many Cemeteries and Crematoriums have 'Books of Remembrance'. You could perhaps make an entry if this would help. As for the mental health issue - tell your Dad not to worry too much about this. WW1 and WW2 were horrific, particularly for men of a sensitive nature. Many thousands of men had severe problems when they returned from the wars and of course it wasnt understood at the time. My own Great-great Uncle returned from WW1 as a complete mental wreck and spent the next 43 years in an Asylum. I didnt even know about this until I was well into adult hood, when my father told me with great seriousness - 'so that I could watch for mental problems in my children'. Absolute rubbish! The mental problems were caused by the War, nothing else. Olde Crone