Genealogy Chat

I think that one of the most useful things I've gained from this site is feeling at last that I have people like myself to talk to and someone who understands the feelings of belonging to no one really. I never considered tracing my adoptive line. It wasn't even a consious desision--it just doesn't seem the right thing to do. When my adoptive parents died I even approached what few relatives they had a nd told them that I would understand if they wanted to lose touch with me. I felt I had no claim on their love. This quest has helped me to feel a part of the past and to give my children their roots.But I am also very aware that some of the people on my tree may wish i wasn't there. I have never in 55 years changed my opinion that we end up feeling as if we belong nowhere.

Shannette, How did your adoptive rellies respond, if you don't mind me asking? Liz

I think what the thread has shown is that whether adopted or not, you are an individual and can feel wanted or unwanted either way. I thank God I was always loved by my natural parents, but certainly I know many people who have shunned their own families once they were old enough to do so, feeling detached from a set of people isnt confined to adoptees. I also thank God that my own son harbours none of those feelings and is loved without reserve by us and all the extended family. Do you remember that case years back in the States where a teenage girl was dying and the parents offered their organs but were found to be incompatible because she was not their natural child (a shock to them all). The girl sadly died but the parents pursued the matter and it was discovered by police that a certain midwife had (for reasons totally unknown) spent her career swopping babies when they were born in a number of maternity hospitals she had worked at. When this came to light there were hundreds of children involved. They were all approached and not one of the children or (what was now found to be, adoptive) parents wanted to 'swop'. A court case followed because the bereaved parents of this one girl had no other children and I guess understandably suddenly found that in fact a child of theirs existed. They lost the case. The child's welfare was given priority and the child chose to stay with the adoptive parents.

Heather, I am not saying I feel unloved or unwanted, nothing could be further from the truth. I have never felt any desire or need to shun my parents. I was just wondering why I spent so much time and money researching a family tree which doesn't *really* belong to me, in the pure sense of genealogy, and I wondered what others thought. Liz

Oh no Liz, I wasnt thinking of you, but I think sometimes people may feel that way. I was just trying to say that it isnt a feeling just confined to someone who is adopted. Ive known people who literally hate their natural parents and say they feel unwanted and not belonging to anyone/anywhere in the world. I wasnt just thinking about genealogy! Certainly Id defo add both lines if it were me. As you and several others have said, all the old funny stories about people and their names etc. are part of your life.

Hi Liz, I do understand what you mean. I have my own adopted tree with all the adopted family on it and I sort of belong there, until I get to the cousins and then it does seem a little.......... And then I have just made contact with a birth auntie and she has added me to her rather large tree. While I do not mind this at all I look at it like this is not me, it's just a name. There is one tree that I really do belong on and that is mine, the one with my hubby and children. Melisa

I never thought about which tree I would trace... I traced the tree that included the people who had been my family as I grew up (Adoptive Family!). I have kind of fallen into this hobby after coming here to contact my BM but I have become totaly engrosed... it's the little details like finding my G.G.Grandfather was in WW1 and thats why there is 6 years between his first and second child being born. Or looking at his medal card and feeling proud.... even if I'm not geneticaly linked. I guess everyone is different though and personal circumstances will undoubtably affect a persons perspective on adoption/tracing trees. At the end of the day if someone doesn't want to trace a part of their 'tree' they cannot be forced to. I agree with Shannette thought that this has become one of my favourite sites. I don't know anyone else (apart from my brother who just isnt interested!) who is adopted. I have found it really useful to read all the adoption related messages on here. I don't post often because of family members using the site but I can alway's be PM'd Kimberley

I'm not entirely sure what set me on my search,the timing was such that my paperwork arrived just as i settled with a new partner and by sheer coincedence moved 300 miles across the country to within 10 miles of my gg g/parents birthplace,unknown to me at the time. I had said many years ago i would look into my adoption,but never felt the ability to deal with it,(probably the bloke thing there). The deciding factor wasn't getting married or starting my own family,or the mess of a divorce and loss of contact with my daughter i subsequently suffered (and still do). But it was a comment from my ex partners grandson,six years old and recalling names of his relations,cousins and aunts/uncles etc,then when he was asked who i was (his grannys boyfriend,and not married into the family or connected in any way)he replied 'You are just Glen' Yes he was right,but how strange that it took a 6 year old to point it out to me. I think that little fellow will one day get a VERY big handshake from yours truly. Glen

Hi I am not adopted but my Mother was . My Mum often said she would of liked to have found her birth family, she told me all she knew about them,my Mum died 4 yrs ago and I have been researching her birth family for about 2 yrs now and was very lucky to find her older sister and she helped quite alot with info, sadly we had only had contact for the last 8 monthes, unfortunately my Aunt died 3 weeks ago. I went to her funeral and was made to feel very welcome by other members of the family and we all hope to keep in contact. I often look at my Family History and feel very much like I don't belong to either birth or adoptive families almost like I've no right to any of it. When my mum's adoptive Mother died her Grandmother on her adoptive Father's side said to her ' you can go and find your own people now' to which my Mother replied that her adoptive mother wasn't the one who had been preventing her from finding them.My Mum's birth mother and adoptive mother had visited one another and wrote to one another and my Mum and her Sister had actually met one another when they were little girls of 5 yrs and 7 yrs .THEN my adoptive Grandfather put a stop to it ,he said people were talking saying that my Mum had two Mother's ( well yes she did) but I really wish he had not intervened, Rightly or wrongly I disliked him for that. Ellen.

I have a similar situation. My mother was raised by her grandmother and her 2nd husband. (my mums mother came from the 1st marriage if that makes sense!) as her 'real' mum died when she was a baby. My mum sees her grandparents as her mum and dad, even though her 'dad' is in no way connected to her genetically. I therefore see them as my grandparents even though they died before I was born so I never met them. Now my grandfather has the most amazing family history and there is no way that I could distance myself from him just because he was not blood. In fact my sosn is named after him. However there are members of the family who do not understand why I trace his history. They feel that I should concentrate only on my mum (We didnt know who her father was until a year ago!). I think it's a personal decision, Much the same as general Family History. I certainly have the 'bug' but nobody else in the family are very interested. Pat

Talking of out of the mouths of babes ...........Many years ago when my kids were very young I remember one of them going through all the 'and who is Nannie Lil to me?' and who is Cousin so and so. We went through all this and he said 'so how is dad related to you - is he your brother or what?' I said dad isnt related through Nan or anyone, we were from different families but we married. He was quite shocked!

Hi Liz Lewis You say where does your history begin and that of your children, I just asked my hubby what he considered ( him been adopted ) and he said his parents who adopted him! because as a child he heard stories of his adopted Mum and siblings coming over from Ireland and stories of his Dad and his family growing up in the same villiage that we live in now I then asked my 15 year old daughter what she considered her history on her Dads side ( she knows her Dad is adopted and has met his birth Mother ) and she said through Grandma and grandad of course ( hubby's adopted parents) I then asked her about her Dads birth Mum and that family and she said ' but Dad have nothing to do with them growing up so how can he have history with them, he lives here and went to school here so his history is here' Out of the mouth of babes! Joanne

When I first started this research I was contacted by a chap who had 'done' one of my dads lines for about a decade so I was very pleased he contacted me. We exchanged info and photos and at the end of one letter he said almost apologetically, 'actually, I was adopted into the family' It made absolutely no difference to me, as far as I was concerned he was family - I mentioned his name to my dad when I was going through the family tree with him and said hed given me all this info. Dad remembered this chaps dad and said 'Oh he was a lovely feller', 'so this chap must be one of the kids he adopted - all lovely kids, just like their dad'.

Well Liz--how long have you got? I had no interest at all during my chilhood and it was only when i joined the civil service and needed my birth name that i realised what a closed subject it was. The only name thay would give me was my surname so I kept quiet from then on. In my 20s the law changed and I sent for my birth cert and was happy with that till i had my own kids in my 30s. The only reason I told my adoptive parents was because by then we were living quite near my birthplace and I had visions of visits.I may as well have admitted to a terrible crime as their reaction was to refuse to speak to me for ages. I went ahead anyway .I don't know where I found the strength.It was a slow process pre internet and for me a bit of an anticlimax as both my birth parents were abroad. We never spoke again of what I'd done and until they died I had to be content with snatched visits from birth relatives. Now I've told my children and can be open about my past and the irony is that at 55 I'm an agoraphobic who can't pluck up the courage to go and see my Mum! Anyone got a cure??