Genealogy Chat

Thanks for nudging my thread up Angela. I am reading through the many messages that it is difficult to take them all in. The reason i placed this thread was to put my side of the story(so to speak) and let everyone know what a hard and very difficult decission we had to make in the past. God i sound old!. When i was young the stigma of being an unmarried mother carried more than the usual name calling. You were an out cast, a nobody and a few unsavioury names to boot. Today you are given help and suport and advise. So many young people today do not understand the feelings we all went through. I have had to try and explain all this to my youngest daughter who became an unmarried mother herself in 2003. She still lives with me and her step-father(her own having died of cancer in 1995 when she was 12 years old). She has the support, love and understanding that was denied to me. I hope mine and the other messages on this thread will help other young ladies trying to decide wether to put their child up for adoption or keep them. Not all experiances are the same but the one thing that may help is that reading through these messages one thing sticks out. How loved the adoptees are by their adoptive families. If and when i meet my beautiful daughter i hope she has had the love and support i so desperatley lacked. The best of health and regards Vanessa

just wanted to nudge this thread for others to read its nice to hear both sides of the story and some very good points of view that have made me think about my own adoption angie x

Paul I found your story very sad. A few thoughts occur to me though, which you may not have considered. Do you absolutely KNOW that your mother voluntarily put you into care? Is this in your Case File? If it is, I would be wary of believing it. In the 50s, and before, and after, a lot of middle class people thought they knew what was best for other people. The only difference between today and yesterday is that yesterday, there was little restraint on what Social Workers decided was 'for the best'. 'For the best' consisted of tidying up the untidy people in society, who did not fit in with rigid middle class values and prejudices. You, as a baby in hospital with pneumonia, a single mother (BIIIIG black mark) and horror of horrors, you were a mixed race child. Some interfering busybody would have instantly decided that your mother, having 'offended' society on TWO counts, was not fit to be a mother. Even if your mother DID apparently sign you over to a Home, I bet she was 'persuaded' to do it. It would have been presented as a golden opportunity for you - a chance to be properly cared for, to get an education and the chance of a good job. Your mother would have had to have been very strong-minded indeed to resist this sort of pressure - and so would the rest of her family. I give you this: Visiting Times (for Dr Barnardo's Homes, in the early 1950s) Visiting is allowed on the first Saturday of the Month, between ten am and 12 noon.One Visitor per child. (For most people in the 50s, Saturday was still a work day, so that would rule out a good few) No Visitors under the age of 14. In the case of Orphans, an older brother OR sister may visit, with written permission from the Superintendant of the Home. Suppose your mother had been brave enough to write, or even call, at the Home, to find out how you were getting on, she would have been undoubtedly told that you were doing very well, had settled in brilliantly and had not expressed any wish to see her - best go away dear and leave him to his wonderful new life. The fact that you might have been sobbing into your pillow every night would not be mentioned - Heavens above, the feckless mother might have tried to get her child out of the Home, and after all the trouble those good people had gone to, to get you out of an 'undesirable' family. People were far more in awe of those in authority in those days and your mother may have missed you very much but simply did not know how to go about getting you back (and even if she did know, she would have had a very hard job on her hands). Sadly, the Care system for children seems to have changed very little, certainly as far as results go - it still churns out desperately damaged young adults, who have been told lies, half-truths and truth. I cannot tell you to go and seek out your birth family - that is a journey only you can undertake. I am merely pointing out that I do not think you have the truth yet - at least, not all of it. I wish you the very best of luck. Olde Crone

THANK YOU EVERYONE. I am overwhelmed by the response to my thread. I am pleased that so many of you felt you had to add your own stories here and may i say that when i wrote this thread i felt such a relief to let it all out. I have had to spend many years keeping silient about this because my mother was still alive. Now that she has passed on i felt able to part with my feeling to you all and finding out that i was not alone in this situation as made a difference. That is the hardest thing, feeling that you are totally alone. May you all find peace and results in your searches. Kind Regards Vanessa

Hi Everyone, Hi Paul, My BM was from a very large family as well, and no none of my Aunites or Uncles took me on either. I am not upset about that as I would never have had the chance to be loved and taken care of by my Mum and Dad. Everyone is different and has different stories to tell. Some of my birth Aunties ane Uncles are older and some younger. Some of the older had children born in the same year as myself. I have now had contact with birth cousins and aunties and know why I was adopted, and am thankful for that. All the family new about me. I am at peace with the decision that was made and why the siblings of my birth mother never took me on. You will never know until you ask, though you must be ready within, as it could turn out either way. It sounds to me that you Birth mother loved you very much as she tried her hardest to keep you. As Sheila said you may want to confront your demons. And lay this one to rest. Everyone is different and I would not want to push anyone in to thier search until they were ready, but I have no regrets, better to know and move on than to not know at all. Melisa

WOW Powerful true stories that give up more information on both sides. Paul, You sound like me....hate rejection. That would be the most hurtful part of being Adopted. And even if you know why.....it still hurts. Familys.....got a lot to answer for. Your flesh and blood...and when the times are tough.. why dont they help you. Thats my big question to all you familys that didnt help your sibling when she needed it.... I know theres alot of reasons and excuses.....money.money, and what oh yes money. But what about love. I look at my daughter's and know i would help them. I wouldnt care what the neighbours think. Sorry all had to vent that one out. Maybe a bit immature and I do realise there are so many different reasons. And it really good to read these stories.....sad. Annxx

Nudge to keep adoption threads close together

Another slant Keep in mind as you read this, that I am an adoptee In 1961 when I had just left school I went for a holiday job to an hotel run by the wife of a retired Baptist Minister. I was to go and do nursing training the following year and wanted some pocket money. The lady who ran the hotel employed, for the most part, girls from the local Baptist Home for Unmarried Mothers, near Camberley. I had had a sheltered upbringing and had never been in contact with 'girls like that', as they were called in those days. I will never forget them and often wonder what happened to them and their babies. The girl I shared a room with was a lovely girl with beautiful red hair. Her name was Marjorie, and I know that she had a little boy. She would so have loved to have kept him. Another girl - I forget her name - was in the Army and had an affair with a senior officer. She liked to give the impression that she was very 'hard', but it was a cover. I don't know if she loved the officer, but she certainly was not happy to find that he had put other girls in the same situation. The third girl who worked there was a sweet homely girl whose name was Myrtle. She was old fashioned, not 'slick' or 'hip' or street-wise. She wore her hair in a little bun, and did not wear makeup. She for some reason thought that she was not pretty. Well I suppose she wasn't pretty in that sense, but she was kind and smiley. Anyway, she thought that she would never get a boy-friend and get married and have a family because she thought she was not attractive. She told us that she wanted a baby so much that she went out - I think in London - and found a young man deliberately to get pregnant. She had decided that she would like a 'little brown baby' (her words, not mine, and probably not very politically correct these days)So she had made sure that she found a nice black man - again, her words, so please don 't anyone take offence, and her baby would be brown. I often wonder what happened to these girls, one who had to give up her child, one who pretended not to care, and the one who was going to keep her baby. I did not know a lot about my own feelings re: being adopted, at that time. But I did know that I wanted to know more, and possibly to search. I do also wonder why my adoptive parents arranged for me to work at that particular hotel - they certainly knew all about it and that the girls who worked there would be pregnant. Sorry this posting is so long, and if anyone reading this recognises themselves as one of those girls, do get in touch. They were all a few years older than I, so would be in their mid-sixties now probably. Eileen(not the name they would know me by, if they remember me)

Hi Paul, Just read your story and was thinking how sad it was, did it ever occur to you, that maybe your BM, was scared of making contact with you again in case you rejected her, having come to that awful heart wrenching deciscion, maybe she thought that you would be better of without her, she obviously loved you, as she tried so hard to keep you. It must have been so hard for her in the 1950's to cope alone, she had the stigma of being a single mum, and no back up by SS like wehave today. It may also be possible she tried to make contact with you, but the care home would not let her, the rules where so different back then, the sad thing is you will not get the chance to hear her versions of events. Did you ever view your records ? maybe your Aunt and Uncles where not aware of your existance, or maybe they where not is a position to help out, unless you ever get the chance to speak to them, you will not know the answers, and all you can do is make up your own version of events. I just hope that you have found peace of mind, but I do not think so, maybe you would be best to try and find some more info from the home, or possibly try contacting another relative, it means confronting you demons but is that better than how you feel now ? Like you say these adoptions and fosterings, concern a lot more than your BM and BF they affect both their familes and your own. Take Care Sheila

Hi All, Perhaps a slightly different slant. Several years ago I decided that since I have more years behind me than in front of me I would try and find information on who I was and where I came from. As a baby I was put into care into which I remained until old enough to work at the age of 15. Times were hard in the 50's and unmarried mothers did not have the support of the state let alone the support of their own family quite often. Many of the children with whom I was in care with have looked for their families. Some being lucky that they have been met with open arms, most were rejected. When you embark down this road you must remember that it is not only you who will be affected but others also, as has been said in previous threads. When a friend of mine who had been in the homes with me died suddenly in his late 40's, his funeral was attended by many friends. but not one member of his family. This started me thinking that I would like to know more, not wanting to go to my grave in similar circumstances. Over the last few years I have built up a reasonable family tree, however I do not wish at this time to meet any of my family but remain content to now know who and where they are. I found that my mother had me as a result of a casual affair, my father being black. That she tried her best to look after me but ultimately without any help from her family or state she could not work and keep me at the same time. After a case of phneumonia which hospitalised me, she finally accepted that she could no longer cope and so I was put into a Home. So I can understand why I was put into care but cannot understand why when intially she made such a great effort to keep and support me, she never ever had contact with me again but lived and died just a few miles from where I now live. She was one of a large family. Have my aunt's and uncle's forgotten I exist and erased me from their memory?.. Who knows. I will never know all the answers. I am dissapointed in that I will never have the opportunity to speak with my mum. There is no longer any bitterness felt towards her NOW that I know she did her best. That's what information does. It can change your frame of mind. Perhaps one day I can even forgive my uncle's and aunt's. What is family? Family are those who have loved and cared for you, been there for you and watched over you while you have grown up. If this is your biological family then good for you, if it has been your adopted family then you're really fortunate, you've had a second chance, don't do anything to hurt them. Paul

Dear Claire (in Lincs) You must have been so angry at finding out what was written on the file. What a shower of ........... sorry, but I feel so mad that you were treated like this. The truth should always be told because it will come out and you must have had a time of it convincing your son but I'm sure that he, given time and maturity, will better understand 'why'. There is a saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and although that is a generalisation of sorts there is truth in it. You are probably a much nicer, stronger, mature person for working through all this (as is your son.) Give him time and I think he'll realise the truth and move on from it a bit more. Lots of love and positive thoughts. I feel for you and all the mums and children.

Hi all, I've been reading this thread and find it all overwhelming. What a relief for everyone that they have other people to share their thoughts and feelings with; I hope you all find comfort. Hopefully, one day, I will find my adopted sis. x

Vanessa,, Rosie ..Fergie and everyone, When i eventually did meet up with my son,,of whom i am very proud,, during our initial first talks,,,he told me that the Social Services had given him his adoption papers, It stated on them that I had decided to let him go for adoption so that I could continue with my nursing career, Nothing could be so far from the truth,,!! I was MADE to give him up by my parents, A fact that the Social Services had omitted on the forms,, They knew the real reason but chose to put this, My son told me that, becasue of that statement, he felt unwanted and rejected, I have to tell you all that writing this is helping me enormously,

Good heavens Rosie, what a story, I can,t help thinking though that although most of the story happened years ago when things were undoubtedly much much harder in many ways and an appalling lack of support was evident there are still similar wounds being inflicted today within the families round about us. Rejection, the feeling of never really being accepted, of not being good enough, real fear of a parent or step parent and so on and so on. I live in quite an ordinary town with not much obvious evidence of poverty. My children and their friends went to reasonably well achieving schools and have lots of opportunities to be all they can be. I hear from them often of tales of unhappiness within families and have sat and listened to a couple of their friends who are more able to talk to me than their own family. This thread is about adoption maybe but so many of the issues raised occur within step and natural families too and with less couples getting married and staying together many children are being 'messed around' today. How often are the needs of the child pushed aside and the parents wants paramount. I am not talking here about circumstances like abuse more like kids being really miserable because their families are 'cash rich time poor' or the friend of my sons who feels his step father dislikes him and treats him unfairly for no reason other than he exists. Sad but a lot of hurts are carried around by lots of people nowadays too and I guess it will always be like this as we are all flawed human beings. We all have issues great and small and hopefully are able to work through them. I hope this thread helps even in a small way someone on their journey.

A Catherine Cook type saga! - but true! A view from a different angle - but connected. My mum was forced by circumstances, (social services were not as they are now) to abandon three of her young children, leaving them and their father, and taking the youngest (me) with her. Following her departure, her husband allowed her no contact with her children at all. letters were returned unopened, he moved house, and destroyed everything that connected them to her. He remarried, and the children came to regard this new lady as their mother. My mother kept a photograph of these children always on her dressing table - it was part of my childhood. She had 3 further children, and then their father, my stepfather, died - I was only 6 and the baby, my young brother, was 9 months old. State support was virtually non existent then, and while, my two younger sisters were semi- fostered ( that is another, not happy, story) my brother was unofficially 'adopted' by my mothers' eldest brother and his wife, who brought him up along with there 8 yr old son, in London, about 50 miles and a fair journey away in those days. Money was very tight, mum couldn't visit him often, and she had to work very hard to support herself and me, and my two tiny sisters. I was at school during the day, and was a latch key kid (aged 6) so didn't need daytime care(!). My brother thus grew up more as a cousin than a brother - although we all knew what the real relationship was. My mother loved him dearly, I think more than the rest of us, perhaps because he was very like in colouring and temperament (as he matured) his father, who had died, leaving us all in such straitened circumstances. In conversations with said brother later in life he said that as a child he always felt that we (his mum and 3 sisters) had abandoned him and didn't want him. That he wanted to come back and live with us - we were all by then living in a rented two bedroomed bungalow, along with my mothers elderly and infirm parents. He never really believed that mum wanted him - and never forgave her for giving him away. When he later found out that she had earlier 'abandoned' 3 other 'babies', this excacerbated the non understanding he felt for her. Fast forward a few years - my brother fathered a daughter, and he and the mother of the child were forced, (by the parents of the girl, I believe), to put the baby up for adoption. I didn't know it at the time, but my (and his) sister, begged to be allowed to adopt the child, and bring her up with her own two girls, but this was ruled out of the question - and the baby went elsewhere. to be brought up by a very caring family. My brother, meanwhile, married and fathered another 4 children, but stated quite often that his dearest wish was to find his lost daughter. Then, out of the blue - she contacted him - a year or two back - and there was much rejoicing all around !! - She is a happy well adjusted lady, married and with a family of her own. living in the midlands. She does now have two 'family trees' - her adopted and her birth families. She has also found her birth mother, who too has a grown family, and was very pleased that her daughter had made contact. Happy and fulfilling endings all round. Yes.... But she (my brother's first daughter) still feels she belongs nowhere !. And my brother still feels that his mother abandoned him and didn't want him! My older siblings still - after 65+ years, and deaths of all parents/step parents involved - feel strong resentment that our mother left them, and apparently made no attempt to retain contact with them. I feel that my mum always much preferred my younger siblings to me - totally illogically - she took me with her when she went from her first husband - maybe because, it must be said, it is rumoured that if she hadn,t I would have been sent to Dr Barnardo's - and thus (probably) transported along with thousands of other children to Oz, or Canada. And then I too would have been a child who for one reason or another believed that my mum had abandoned me! Funny old world! Rosi. PS. None of my brothers or sisters, or I, motley collection that we are, have, as far as I know, abandoned any children anywhere. However, neither my own first husband, nor those of my two younger sisters, have had anything to do with the rearing of their own offspring almost from the beginning - its the fathers that have done the abandoning! Is this 'abandoned' behaviour nature or nurture ? !! :) :)

Anne, Vanessa, Claire in Lincs. been following this thread as I am an adoptive parent. I think your idea of a book is really good and would go a long way towards understanding the spoken and unspoken questions of our sons and daughters. One of mine when younger asked me difficult questions like, 'why did she give me up, did she reject me....I would have never give me up I would have fought tooth and nail etc. etc.' It took me quite a while talking and re-assuring to (almost) convince them of their birth mothers very difficult circumstances and that they had been greatly loved. I have a feeling this particular child carries this 'hurt' into young adulthood as they are particularly perceptive, sensitive and 'deep thinking' although they have an unshakeable bond to their adoptive family. I hope that they re-unite one day and that all the questions are answered. This is where a book of memories and thoughts would go a long way towards understanding. The other adopted siblings are curious but having a different nature don,t seem to think about 'why' so much and can't be bothered finding out. Not this one though. I see the need here and am with them all the way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts all of you - I find it very helpful and feel privileged to be able to read this thread. Hugs to you all and to Claire in Lincs - special thoughts that someday things will be better between you and your son.

Just to add to my earlier comments, that I've heard from someone else today that has spoken to Debbie Woods at ONS and she has said she will ONLY deal with Adoption cases to confirm if a person is still registered on the NHS. If it is for any other reason, then there is another department that deals with the query and they will charge you £30 unfortunately. Claire

I was`nt so lucky in staying at home. I was sent away to a `Bad girls home` has it was called then. When i was getting close to my time i was then sent to a Mother and baby home in WALES of all places. Still can`nt understand why i was sent to wales? was made to keep and look after her for 6 weeks. So that when it came to parting with her you can imagine the fuss and stink i created. I am still in touch with a couple of the girls from the `Bad girls home`. they are marvolous. My spelling is getting terrible. Time to kick the lord and master out of bed. i want the warm side. My best regards and wishes Vanessa

Vanessa My mum said the exact same thing to me too, And I remember not being allowed to go out during the day, Only when it got dark when i was allowed to walk around the block for some fresh air, When i was discharged from the maternity hospital , my son was taken by Social Services, From walking through the front door, it was never mentioned again,,like it hadnt happened, At college,some years ago,,i had to write an essay about something 'significant or traumatic' that had happened in my life, but it had to be true, So i wrote about that time, I had a lovely lecturer, she gave me an A+ and told me afterards that she had been in tears reading it, For me,,writing it was a release, Thank you for your PM and your kind words Vannesa,, Love and hugs Claire

Hello Claire. It is nice to receive a message from someone who has experenced the same. I was younger than you when this happened to me and all my mother kept saying was 'What are the neighbours going to say?'. It is hard to believe how times have changed and in our life time too. it is frightening. But has i said to my 2nd and third daughters from my first marriage. My husband died in 1995. and i remarried in 2005. do not worry i am here for you. We live and learn do`nt we. Vanessa I had to up date this. it sounded has if i had more than one daughter adopted.