Genealogy Chat

a lot of advice given on here in not what to do but only a couple of helpful suggestions on what to do
this lady is 86 and gave her daughter away 70 years ago - my friend didnt want to give her a great shock --
shoe on the other foot ?? if it was my mum i would prefer me to be the one to talk to her first
and if i was the mother -- would i mind my history being out in the open --- well it is 70 years later so maybe maybe not
the mother may have been looking for her for years
stats show 86% positive outcomes so hopefully all will be well
my friend has been searching for her mum for five years when at the age of 65 found out she had been adopted twice
anyway thanks everyone for an interesting thread

Julie since contact has been made I would hope that this has a happy outcome.

I would just hope that people consider the comments on here to act with caution and discetion before jumping in with both feet in future.

the lady in question has had an email asking for more information :-)

I've not been in this situation but I believe a letter (with an sae) is better than an email.

........ How many of us don't open dodgy looking emails? How many of us have had emails or been in receipt of emails from hijacked accounts?

Either way, be prepared for never getting an answer.

I wonder how many cases taken on by these TV shows actually end in causing extreme distress..................the programmes broadcast only cover the ones with happy outcomes.

It isn't possible that they can have a 100% success record..................

I think that the popular TV shows which re-unite families, have a lot to answer for. It makes it all seem so wonderful, so overwhelming, so emotional.


However............the following site is worth looking at.



http://www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/contact/intermediaries/questionsanswersrelatives.htm

I found these two quotes from the site quite illuminating.



WHAT ABOUT USING A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR?

The Adoption and Children Act 2002 will result in private investigators and agencies that have not been registered for this purpose not having access to crucial information needed to link a birth relative with an adopted person. If you decide to explore other routes and use an agency or private investigator that is not registered for any part of the work, then be aware of the cost you may incur, their working practices in respect of confidentiality and their level of experience of this complex area of work. The reason that this area of work has been made subject to registration is because of the complex emotional issues that it raises. Under the Care Standards Act 2000, it is unlawful for agencies or individuals to offer an intermediary service for adopted people and birth relatives unless they have been registered.



IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO TRY AND GET IN CONTACT?

In every situation there can be benefits and drawbacks and it is important that you have had the opportunity to consider these with an experienced worker. Things that birth relatives have said it is important to consider include:


How your enquiries will affect other people in your family and the family of the adopted person
The expectations you have about contact
What your hopes and fears are for the future
What if it all goes wrong?
What if the person doesn’t want to know you?
Will they know they are adopted?
What do they know about you?
Have they made any enquires?
How do reunions work out?



There is so much more to this 're-union' business than meets the eye!!
.

My heart goes out to this 86 year old lady.......

No thought for her has been given,,,has the person who sent the email give any serious thinking into the health of this ladywho could be a sufferer of any complaints...is she in a state of grieving for a recent lost one,?has she troubles within her own family at present ?.

The person doing the seeking shoudld never divulge what they have found till a contact is formed to seek permission to be contacted by the adoptee,,,

A birth parent has never been promised they wont be searched for nor has there ever been anything in writing of this nature..they only requenlish all parental rights by signing.

Also another factor,,this lady was 15 years old,,,,,,which questions how the adoptee was concieved,,,,,,,,,was it a by rape,incest? as no paper work it seems is avaliable,,,,,,,,,this lady would have no say in matter back then,as legally she was underage ,,,,,,and possibly even told the child didnt survive.!

Cupcakes,

If your new cousin was born in November 1923, he needs a 90 year birthday card, not 100.

Obviously I move in different circles. I do not think emails are correct for sending thank-you letters for presents. Perhaps I have lots of older friends? Not noticed any in violet envelopes, but it would be a nice gesture - thinking about the tastes of the recipient?

Anyone (well, actually, no, lots cannot) can write an email in 10 seconds.
It takes time and effort to hand write a letter and post it. That shows that someone cares.

I also do not think that your experience of overlooking a mis-transcribed relative of your Mother compares with being contacted by a claimed illegitimate offspring of your Mother.

Hope these comments have not hi-jacked this thread in any way, as I have no direct personal experience of adoption.

Pat

Hi all,

Am not in the situation but can sympathise with all parties, however I don't think an email is possibly the best way to go.

I'd have to agree maybe a letter with a copy of certificates and leave it up to the mother if she wishes to make contact..she may indeed be under the impression that the birth would not have been traced...and I guess no one knows the circumstances the baby was conceived in, could be rape or incest etc, no one would know and it may be very very painful for the mother to revisit.

I hope your friend gets the response she is after, but I feel for all parties and I don't agree that only the adoptee is the only important person in the situation.

Can any of you put yourself in the place of the receiver of the email?

Their Gut reation? Couldn't possibly be right-= rejection

How would you feel I someone popped up out of the blue and announced that they were your mother child? How would it make you feel?

Research it a bit perhaps, if they have the ability to do so- find out its correct=blows apparent everything they thought they knew= is that fair?

The only person that should be approached is the person that knows the facts- the birth mother/father.

Wise and sensitive words from Carter and FBG.

True, jax.

I thought women who had children adopted before sometime in the 60s, were told they will never be traced??

Now it seems it is perfectly ok to send an email, letter or phone a possible child of the birth mother, who may know nothing about their mothers past....when she could well still be alive

I am still not convinced it is the correct woman...but surely a letter to her (as it looks like she is on the recent ER) would have been better??

Nice one Dave - sadly email is a sign of the times - can't remember the last time I received a hand written letter - the old lavender smelling ones were the best.

Many times the situation with adoptees is one where the parent or parents are old and so there is not much time to mess about. I left it too late to contact an aunt and found myself arriving at her house a month after her death. Fortunately for me her husband put me in touch with another aunt who was able to supply tons of birth family information.
Compose a letter explaining who you are and saying that you don't wish to cause any upset but would like to meet if possible, to discuss the situation.
Emails are a bit too business like and as Potty says they could be regarded as scam, a letter is much more personal.
Good luck
Dave

I nearly did the same as you, FBG. I see the post has been re-instated.

I don't care how many cases you have solved, CC, I do not think something as impersonal as an email is the way to contact anybody in this situation. If I got a mail like that, I would delete it straight away, think it was some kind of scam.

Carter I can completely empathise with what you are saying. It shakes up lives and changes many things. I also know that some people are unforgiving.

Those that read the threads know it actually happened to me a few months ago. I suddenly got an email from somebody I now know to be the girlfriend of my new cousin Ralph saying his dad was my grandfathers son - my mums brother. They called me as soon as I replied.

I was shocked to the core - thought I found all the half, step and illegitimate siblings and the same for uncles, aunts etc. Given they have all died thought somebody was trying to wind me up. When I was told he was born Nov1923 and was desperate to learn about his family before he died I went all numb.

Well I found his birth record - spelling of his name and his mother all transcribed incorrectly and sent for his birth cert. before cuz called me back from his dads house. I was more scared of talking to a 99 year old man - no worries ex military he spoke to me like he was giving orders. Just sad what happened to him and how he became separated from the family - made me feel so of angry at first. After my siblings and cuz' in AUS getting over the shock I've been in touch with him regularly and sent him loads of photos and certs. I just bought his 100 year old birthday card.

Leaving my personal experience aside as I said in my mail that I have been very successful in my direct approach and just chalked up my 9th success - Honestly with hand on heart not one gone bad.

<3 <3

Thank You Carter..

I would NEVER dream of emailing, or telephoning, a suspected member of a birth family out of the blue, without some prior preparation and contact.

That shows a total mis-comprehension of the problems that might arise.

Everyone has their rights, not only the one searching for their birth mother.

Some compassion is needed.


so, indeed, well said Carter and FBG

Well said Carter and FBG.

speaking from personal experience it comes as a great shock to find out about a sibling you knew nothing of.
It is not like on the telly with everyone throwing their arms around one another and welcoming each other in to their lives
it comes with lots of heartbreak as peoples secrets are revealed and lies are discovered.
Lives are changed for ever. so please please please think very carefully before contacting people.
everyone has the right to know where they come from but as i said sometimes it comes at a cost and lives and relationships are changed for ever