Find Ancestors

Ah, but you are a rare breed Cynthia as are most of the helpers are on this site.

Most cannot understand you doing something for someone else without financial reward because you merely enjoy it - beyond their comprehension!

An acquaintance bought a camera at a Police Sale - it was in pieces. He brought the pieces to my husband knowing he was interested in cameras. Mike fixed the camera to working order and next time we saw him he brought us a Salmon freshly caught that day!

It makes the world go around in a very pleasant way!

It may surprise some people to know that finding someone's relative that they have been searching for - is a pleasure all round.

Sappho

When I served on a local government council, I did it at no cost to myself; it was voluntary to serve the community.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of your comments so far. I will be discussing your thoughts and concerns with the rest of the Genes Team. This thread was only posted 5 days ago so it’s still open for people to continue to comment.

Thanks
Natasha

Hardly the thumbs up the Team were hoping for.

Sappho you said

"It may surprise some people to know that finding someone's relative that they have been searching for - is a pleasure all round."

Quite a few years ago a stranger turned up unannounced on my mother's doorstep claiming to be my long lost cousin and demanding to see my father. He was extremely ill at the time. It was just by chance that I was there as I do not live in the area and was able to send this stranger on their way. My mother would not of been able to deal with them as this stranger was pretty forceful and didn't understand why I didn't allow them access, "after all we are family". This visit added to the stress and my mother was frightened for a long time that someone would just turn up again when I was not there and gain access.

It was most definitely not a pleasure either for them or for us. I believe that there should be a buffer between the person seeking and the person being sought. The person being sought should be asked if they are happy to have their details handed over to that particular person as there is no way of knowing if the request is genuine.

Having said that I do like making contact with others researching the same tree through sites like Genes, however I would never just turn up on someone's doorstep who I have never had previous contact with.

I just believe there is a right way to do it and just handing over a person's details to a complete stranger is wrong.

Hi Tootyfruity - sorry I gave the wrong impression and this proves we must be careful how we word our thoughts!

I know how difficult it can be for some, and it had not been my intention to open up to every request without question. It must have been very upsetting for you.

Only yesterday I had a request from someone to see my tree - the subject line was "Request to view your tree" nothing else, but I think it is how you handle such requests that is important.

I just thanked the person, but asked why they wanted to know as I had no knowledge of the name. They have not replied and the result is - nothing lost on my part. To be honest I then ventured to check on the person and it turns out to be genuine, but still he has not come back. It is up to them to prove the connection before information is given.

Some person let you down somewhere, but in today's world - it is all 'out there' if you know what I mean. Again I am sorry for your experience and for giving the wrong impression on my comments.

Thank you for the discussion.

Sappho (down under)

Sappho. Thank you for your apology and clarifying your position. I just wanted to highlight through my own experiences that not every meeting is ideal.

I know the information is out there if you know where to look but it is quite different finding the information for oneself and being handed it on a plate without any knowledge of the person requesting the search of another living person. Perhaps background checks of the requester should be carried out before a search is commenced. Last year on the boards, I looked inas I was considering returning, I discovered that an address and phone number of an 82 year old, possibly vulnerable man was being handed over to someone claiming to be his grandson. After a very preliminary search it was discovered that this claim was untrue. With a little digging it was discovered that there was a very tenuous relationship.(I think they shared a great great great grandfather. Perhaps my experience has coloured my reasoning and I always put myself if the person being sought position. As I said earlier I am all for meeting potential relatives but not everyone is genuine and the potential of putting an abuser in touch with their victim is a possibility without a buffer.

Just because we can do something does not necessarily mean we should without taking the responsibility of contacting the person being sought to see if they would like contact.

Lost families always only show the stories where there is a happy ending. There are countless others which are not successful. The difference with the programme reuniting families and it being done on an open forum is that background checks are carried out and the person being sought is asked for their permission are carried out by the programme whereas members on this site just hand over information without a thought for whether or not the person wishes to be found by that particular person.

If someone had contacted us via letter and said someone wishes to meet up with you and is it ok to pass on your details then the meeting could of been organised better and could of been so much better. If you like, how the Salvation Army do it.

TF ..................

I also put myself in the position of the person being sought

I am of an age to have had a baby adopted in the late 50s into the 60s,

I did not ...................... but I find myself thinking "what if ....... "

What if I had had a baby adopted, then got on with my life, but not told anyone about it, not told my husband after getting married, not told my children, not told my siblings ...................................

......... would I have wanted someone to appear on my door step, or phone out of the blue, and tell one of those people?

Would I have wanted to meet the "child" .................... especially as a "surprise, I'm here!"

I do not know .................. and I will never have to face that situation.


But it has to be considered .................... and the lack of counselling and help is why I have been against the Find Living Relatives since it was initiated.

Hi folks,

This is just great; putting different angles on topics makes one realize the dramatic effect an action can have on another person.

All that is said above and from TootyFruity is so very true and it is appreciated.

Thank you as I do agree with you.

Regards,

Sappho

If only others were as sensitive and as sensible as those in the above discussion.


It just goes to show that helping on the boards is not a matter of -


"I got there first"

or

"I helped more than you did"

or even

"I'm smarter than you ".


It's a matter of helping as much as one is able, in a sensitive and caring way -

using one's common sense; working together and not trying to score 'points' over fellow members.


Team - please take note. Thank you. :-)

No................Thank you all ;-)

I tend to agree with MarieCeleste's post 7 Jun 2013 20:39

I spend hours researching helping people

The reward idea I'm not to bothered about either but it might encourage some of the silent members to take part in the boards.

However a £50 shop voucher is not to be sneezed at - I'd take it with thanks.

Regarding helping people find missing people - I'm not so sentimental and take the more direct positive approach. I've had to deal with this several time now and with hand on my heart nobody has been hostile. It is me, piggy in the middle, who has cried buckets when it is all over.

Yes I know there can be some sad results on both sides but they are not as common as some folks like to make out.

One excellent result of this thread is that it's demonstrated exactly how the boards *should* work - people able to explain differing opinions, respect for each other's views, thoughtful comments.

There are definitely some people on here worth sticking around for. :-)

There are some good results but it cannot be assumed that therefore there are far fewer negative results. Some people may be happy that complete strangers are handing over their frail mother or father's details without a care in the world. I was less than pleased. I was livid as my parents were elderly at the time and very vulnerable.

I have said it before but I think there should be a unrelated intermediary asking the person being sought if they would like contact with the seeker.

There was a well reported case in the media a few years back on how a father was reunited with his daughter and which ended up in a court case brought by the daughter's family. The daughter was 22/23 at the time.

I think all helpers are winners

I would like to know who thought up such a stupid comp

lets face it gr site would be udeless without these helpers

I have been helped many times by different people

and they are ALL WINNERS

sally w <3

Thank you Sally - Well said !! - I can only agree :-) :-)

Dea Xxx

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your comments. I’ve spoken with the Genes Team and we’ve taken your feedback on board and we’ve decided that we won’t be pursuing this idea.

Thanks,
Natasha

Thank you Natasha for letting us all know....I am sure there will be a big sigh of relief all round :-)

Chris

Natasha

Thank you for listening and acting positively on all the above comments.
Well done.

Thank you Natasha. It would have been a shame to have caused disharmony amongst friends on the boards. :-)