General Chat

from 25-35 if a man lives right, its once in the morning and twice at night from 35-45 if he still lives right he misses the morning and sonetimes the night from 45-55 its now and then from 55-65 its god knows when from 65-75 his little light is out, what used to be his sex appeal is now his water spout it used to be embaressing to make the thing behave when every morning it stood up to watch him shave but now he's getting older it sure gives him the blues to have it hanging down and watch him clean his shoes!

Nudged for those feeling a bit low. Jill xx

Original Added by Lisa Ht on 25/02/2005 12:14:46 Teddies (a joke) A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a man to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him. She's actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. All the while, she's thinking to herself, Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the father of my children! She turns to him. They kiss. . .and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy says, 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

Added by Anthony Hull on 24/02/2005 12:24:48 An elderly man in Australia calls his son in England and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' his father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her,' and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Australia immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. Their father hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, 'Okay, they're coming for Easter.......now what do we tell them for Christmas?'

Added by Dee . on 25/02/2005 20:18:27 Thought you might enjoy this one. I really think this person moved in without me knowing it and I believe she is here for life. Please be careful. This person has found her way into my house and could also go to yours. A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was! She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too. For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knob and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks tota lly ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me. Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! I hope she never finds out where YOU live!

Added by Racing Girl in Michigan on 25/02/2005 20:50:21 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear ?', she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night ?'. The husband looks up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16 ?' he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years ?' 'I remember that too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... 'I would have gotten out today.'

Added by Liz (Kippax) Yorkshire on 25/02/2005 21:54:12 A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, 'You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?' 'I'm sorry if I disturbed you,' the woman replied, 'I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.' The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, 'I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it? The woman looked at him and said, 'Pepper.'

Thank's for the laugh needed one so much . Bridget xxx

Added by Dee . on 08/03/2005 19:44:27 Can I add one Neil Subject: Old men A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet 'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black? Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet. He struggles again to ask, 'Nurse, Are my testicles black?' Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown holds his ----- in one hand and his ------- in her other hand and takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, 'That was very nice, but listen very, very closely - are... my...test...results...back?. Dee

A really rude joke. :-)) Old age sex A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, 'How often should you have it?' His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, 'Well how about you and grandma now?' His grandfather replied, 'Oh, we just have oral sex now.' 'What's oral sex?' the young fellow asked. 'Well,' grandpa said, 'she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells, 'F*** you', and I holler back, 'F*** you too.' '

Added by Paul(Postie) from the Boro on 08/03/2005 18:42:30 THE RIVER Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the Intelligence to cross river.' Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GIRL POWER!!!!!

a 'blonde' joke, with a twist A well-groomed woman (who happens to be blonde) walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so she hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the registration document and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you need to borrow £5,000?' The woman replies... 'Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Complimentary - - a little joke! It was their 10th wedding anniversary so they booked into a small hotel for dinner and 'afters' in their room. While hubby got undressed and into bed wifey went into the bathroom and prepared. She came out of the bathroom naked and complaining that her body was not as good as when they first married. 'Look at me', she said. ' My legs are fat, my bum is fat, I've got cellulite where I do not want it, my belly is hanging over and my boobs are so droopy that you can see my navel between them'. She looked at her husband and said 'Can't you say anything complimentary!!. 'Yes' replied her husband 'There's nothing wrong with your eyesight'!!!!!! F.t.y.

. Le Computer A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine-'la maison.' 'Pencil',however, is masculine-'le crayon.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because: No one but their creator understands their internal logic; The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer'), because: in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it 'Housework.' 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?' 6. Answer calmly, 'Yes,' and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. All done. Feel better d to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

Hope you don't mind me putting these on here so all the funnies are together as I didnt know this thread exsisted until today regards Lara xx

Added by Pink Diana Is Walking CHANGCHENG 4 Gaynor! on 10/03/2005 10:42:47 The First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' demanded his wife when he entered the house. 'Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having s3x all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.' The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, 'You lying bum! You've been playing golf!'. The Second Affair There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. 'Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!' Then he gave her a stern look and asked, 'Have you been fooling around on me? The wife just smiled sweetly and said, 'Not this time!' The Third Affair A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz', said the mortician, 'but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.' With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. 'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said, and opened up his briefcase. 'Oh my God!' the wife screamed, 'Schwartz is dead!' The Fourth Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this, honey?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.' No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.' The Fifth Affair A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent.' 'One Cent?', exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?' 'Certainly Sir,' replies the barman, 'but that comes to real money.' 'How much money?' inquires the man. '4 cents,' the bartender replied. 'Four Cents?', exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man says, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied, 'The same thing as I'm doing to his business.' The Sixth Affair Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Becky my darling,' he whispered. 'Hush my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Becky,' he said in his tired voice, 'I have something that I must confess.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky, 'everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!' 'I know, my sweet one' whispered Becky, 'now let the poison work.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think there all Brilliant! and very very true. I have always said men are easily led, my partner says no were not then I say well Adam proved it, when Eve offered him the apple and said it was good, the fool ate it. Life without Women would be boring! Yvonne x

Added by Peter Morgalla on 12/03/2005 20:48:00 Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.' Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?' Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.' Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.' Again, Johnny instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes £5 a week working in the corner shop and I have my paper round which pays £10. That's about £60 a month which should be just fine. By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?' Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says 'Well, we've been lucky so far...'

Original Added by Lisa Exten on 14/04/2005 21:32:12 one for the woman On the day the good lord was handing out sex lives, he gave man 20 years of normal sex life and man protested loudly. The lord then gave the monkey 20 years, but the monkey said ' Lord 20 years is to much, i only need 10 '. Man was standing nearby and overheard. He said to the monkey ' can i have the other 10 ' and the monkey agrees. then it was the lions turn and the lord gave the lion 20 years, but the lion assured the lord he only needed 10. Man again jumped in and asked the lion for the other 10 and the lion agreed. It was then the donkeys turn and again the lord also gave him 20 yearsbut he too stated he only needed 10 and of course man requested the donkeys remaining 10 which he got. That explains why blokes spend 20 years having a normal sex life the next 10 monkeying around then the next 10 years lying around and the last 10 years makin asses of themselves.