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This does not do men any favours...I have scoured the Internet for complimentory things..but nadda..so come on chaps..help me out here!!! ..however it is one for Wendy!! - so if easily offended please do not read on...... Genie In A Bottle A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three wishes you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three wishes you will have to fulfill ONE wish of mine". The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes. "I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said. "Done", said the genie. "I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults". "Done", said the genie. "I want houses all over the world", said the husband. "Done", said the geniee. Now it was the time of the genies wish. "So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for a long time. I wish to sleep with your wife. The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your husband?" "Why, he is just thirty five" "My god ", said the geniee, "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees".

Wendy....WWW has let me down so I may have to "fink" for myself....you may, have a long wait..but I will come up with something..wonderful..if not today...Ray good onya dude...can I have a puff of that....most excellent! Luv ya Wendy x ;o)

Wendy - all is crystal clear re: Ray if you see the Agnes thread!! very funny......mad,mad,mad stuff.....oh you have SO won "the battles of the sexes" today..Ray being an own goal!!! hehehehe.... *fades away laughing madly to himself*

Wendy, what gems, hope you've got plenty more up your sleeve - can't wait.Bet Jean comes back tomorrow for more.Glad you are feeling a little perkier Jean. Keep smiling. NorAH

Not sure if I've put this on the board somewhere before but I think it's quite good - sorry it's a bit long: Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring celtic kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by the year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises, and had discoloured skin. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. However, Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice in order to save Arthur's life and preserve the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life." Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read on until you've made your own decision . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Underneath it all, she's still a witch and don't you forget it.

Wendy, your wish is my command :-) * My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. * My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. * A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. * I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. * I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." * Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. * After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." * When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. * I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. * My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. * My credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it. The thief is spending much less than my wife did. * A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." * Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. * Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. * A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." * Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Iran a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. * I never knew what real happiness was until I got married then it was too late. * A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine." * A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want, sympathy?" * Seventy percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in other parts of the world. * Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. * Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. * If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, just talk in your sleep. * I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. * It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. * Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. * A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..." * Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. * I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. * A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. * A successful woman is one who can find such a man. * A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." * Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. * How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done free. * The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. * The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. * The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Some good advice for the ladies... 1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color. 9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 13. Some days are a total waste of makeup. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand. 16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Bob

Go Wendy!

Wendy I'm ROFLMAO now ya cracking me up lass!!

what a wonderful story. it makes you want to cry.how can i get hold of it to pass on to my friends please. thanks.miss julie-ann gibson

HiHi Found this on the www, some bits are quite 'Giggleworthy' We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default setting. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. ----- Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. (1a/b added in responce to above.) 1a. when i am in front of the computer, leave me the hell alone unless any of the following occurs...a)the house is on fire; b)you are one fire; c) one of the kids are one fire; d) i am on fire, and havne't noticed 'cause im really into my game. 1b. remember what i used to do when we first met before i had a computer? would you like for me to do that again? no? refer to 1a.

HiHi Wendy glad you liked the previous post, try this quote, it's from my 'Thinks' book, but please put the coffee down first :-) Errr, just in case, anyone who is Politicaly Correct please don't read on. I have no intention of coursing offence. Scene setter. Bjorn is one of 'Hells Angles', not the Guys on Bikes , the real thing, 7ft tall, built like a brick ..., or is that thick as a brick? Anyhow a toughy. “Bjorn shrugged, although he wasn’t usually given to ruminating on the nature of the Universe, he had long ago come up with a reason why female logic is different from male logic. It was complicated, internally coherent and had a lot to do with the fact that women, being on average the shorter sex, spent a lot of their time nearer the ground and are thus likelier to have their brains interfered with by geothermic radiation. He considered explaining it to Jane, but decided not to. “ Quote p256 ‘Here comes the Sun’ by Tom Holt Anyone with a sence of humour out there, most Tom Holt books are quite Giggleworthy.

Hi wendy been reeding a few of these over the weeks and i likeed alaina's and phoned my freind as she is having hard time with her man just to let her know she is thought of bit late for call tonight or she would be told this one sums him up i laughed so hard i woke my baby up

The Perfect Husband? There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife) H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H - "What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and..I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love you too..." The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How are things, Eve? "He asked. "It's all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights...everything is wonderful -but I have one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes...they're a real pain," reported Eve. That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six and just thought you'd need half, but now I see that you're right. I'll sort it out right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" he asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull... all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I leave that useless tit?"

Dear Lord, I pray, For wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, Patience for his moods, Because Lord if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

Alaina, I read yours first and I cried,that was so beautiful. Some I laughed at some I cried. Thanks guys for cheering me up,I really needed all those Sue

Hi all,I think this thread is to good to go down the list,it cheers everyone up so can we have some more please nudge Sue

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to." God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg..." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" Steve.

The Lord was very unfair when he gave woman beauty and brains but gave man only muscles.