General Chat

sexist jokes anyone? male or female orientated

MALE PROCEDURE 1 Drive up to the cash machine. 2 Wind down your car window. 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6 Wind up window 7 Drive off FEMALE PROCEDURE 1 Drive up to cash machine 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car 3 Re-start the stalled engine 4 Wind down the window 5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 6 Turn the radio down 7 Attempt to insert card into machine 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car 9 Insert card 10 Re-insert card the right way up 11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 12 Enter PIN. 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 14 Enter amount of cash required 15 Check make-up in rear view mirror 16 Retrieve cash and receipt 17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside 18 Place receipt in back of cheque book 19 Re-check make-up again 20 Drive forwards 2 meters 21 Reverse back to cash machine 22 Retrieve card 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided 24 Restart stalled engine and pull off 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles 26 Release handbrake

FORM LETTER FOR DUMPING A MAN Dear _______________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) 1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. 2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. 3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! 4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. 5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. 6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have way too much time on your hands! 7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. 8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. 9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. 10. ___You have a hairy back. 11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. 12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. 13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. 14. ___You still live with your parents. 15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. 16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. 17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner. 18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. 19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. 20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, _________________________________

THE PERFECT MAN The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too He'll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you. The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He never has made you cry Or hurt you in any way To hell with this endless poem The perfect man is gay

WOMEN ARE LIKE... ...the stock market They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful. ...computers They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one. ...refrigerators They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one. ...country western songs They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot

Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? And when you have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY 1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there. 5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks. 14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY 1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies 3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there. 5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks. 14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

THE GUY'S RULES At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the waysmakes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer youdon't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.