General Chat

The return of the Gary Neville diaries..

Wednesday I knew I shouldn't have kissed a girl. Everyone knows that girls smell. It made me feel icky but Sir said I had to 'find a f***ing girlfriend, Gary' and stop hanging around his house. And I always do what Sir says (except when he asked us all to stop playing for England - though creepy-weepy Scholesey did. Teacher's pet). She said I looked handsome and had a lovely bushy moustache so I gave her a Mercedes. And now she's in The Sun with some boy who hasn't even got a moustache. How could she? Mum said she came round but I locked myself in my room, put chairs behind the door and watched DVDs of the best club in the whole wide world ever. They called me 'consistent' and 'Mr Reliable' so I can't see how that girl could have kissed anyone else. Thursday Mum made me egg and soldiers for breakfast to cheer me up but I disputed her decision not to give me Sunny Delight as she said I was already over-excited. She gave in when I banged my fists on the floor and threatened to phone Roy. That girl says her and the other boy are just friends and that she'd never kiss anyone without a moustache who didn't play for the best club in the whole wide world ever. Asked mum to ring The Sun and tell them to stop picking on me but she said I had to ring myself. I'll put on my best 'older' voice. Later: They said they used their tongues. Euurggggh. As if you'd put your tongue in a smelly girl's mouth. Friday Had so much fun at training today. Rio, Alan and the rest of the gang laughed about me being in The Sun asking if they'd really used tongues (euurggggh). They pinned the newspaper up around the training ground, sang French Kissing In The USA and waggled their tongues at me. The usual stuff. It's so much fun being part of a gang. Boys are so cool. Much better than icky, smelly girls who let boys without moustaches put their tongues in their mouths. Saturday A small boy laughed at me on the street and shouted something about girls and tongues so I pinned him down and knuckled his head. An old lady tried to stop me but I offered her more of the same and she ran away. She was probably a Scouser. Saw Sir and he said I could give up all girls (except mum) if I give up my international commitments too. But I can't let Malta down - they send me a tuckbox every month. Sunday Me and mum are both fuming because David Elleray says I'm one of the biggest moaners in the Premiership and that's not fair. And maybe if he stopped picking on the best club in the whole wide world and giving us yellow cards when they usually start it first and maybe if he gave us free-kicks when poor Ruud is chopped down and maybe if he added the right amount of injury-time when we're losing and, and, and - how dare he call me a moaner? I'm going to take it out on Arse-nal (ha ha ha) later in the big game. Later: It was a friendly so we didn't really try and we had lots of injuries and the referee was a Gooner and it doesn't really matter anyway. Monday I really like Alan, although in training he made my eye hurt with his spiky hair. He was quick to stop laughing when I gave him my mean look. I think he looks up to me - I must be a hero to some of these young boys. Maybe I should open a Gary Neville Soccer School in England and Alan could go with his friends. He's nice. But he's not David. Tuesday Mum tried to pack me a Penguin in my lunchbox for Hungary but I appealed the decision and got a mini Twix instead. She was shaking and crying but she should have known better because she knows I like the caramel. I'll let Alan have a bite of my biscuit if he asks. But not Philip because he's got his own Viscount. Told Sir that as Ruud and Saha can't play that I'll play up front as it's an emergency. He laughed for ages - which shows he's in a good mood and will probably think about it. Rio laughed when I told him as well. We're just happy to be at the best club in the whole wide world ever...

nice going paul.