General Chat

David If there is body searching - I may be gone some time!!! As for the Elf(!!) less said the better. Liz

Anyone mind if I put the CD player on, feel like some music. Maggie

Night Night Jean, God Bless

hi crew just to let you know i am a little busy, told matron we were sailing tonight but she wouldn't let me have the time off work! so am stuck here till 10pm, some inconsiderate patient is whinging about chest pain and the junior Dr is no where to be found (i suspect he is in the mess watching the olympics!) i still have to get the last of the supplies for the hair salon and my trolley dolly pinny is still in the wash!!!!!! So just stick some hats on for now and i will join you as soon as i can and viv if you could start the shampooing that would be great! Bev PA to trolley dolly and hairdresser to the crew

Can someone go and change that barrel for me please and is anyone free to collect some glasses?. I need to work the bar. Has anyone seen that trolly dolly about? She's not turned up for work again. Viv the alcoholic barmaid (hic!)

Hi Eileen, I'm sure The Admiral or doctor won't mind me accepting you on board, just report to the doctors cabin for your little pricks, you can work at the brothel, kitchens anywhere I suspose.

Good Evening to All PASSENGERS This is the Chief Engineer:- A very smooth departure from the engineroom point of view, we've now worked up to our cruising speed of 28 knots and will remain at this speed providing none of you silly buggers up top dont fall overboard. One more thing will the person who keeps hanging their knickers on the engineroom guardrails please stop doing so, its upsetting the lads see!! PS hope that lot on the bridge know where we're going????? Chiefy!

The King feels this voyage may have gone to far. What would the psycharists back on land think if they saw this.

Jean, Im a bored housewife what can I say lol

FROM LEADING POOPER SCOOPER NEILD Will all crew members please ensure that all animals are 'exercised' on the Poop Deck! We must have some decorum on this vessel.

Liz Please do that, plenty of body seaches nudge nudge wink wink, i may need a hand to sort out Gwynne and that little Elf, who i susspect aint an Elf at all but a young male model i saw hanging about the docks, that has been smuggled aboard, when we catch him you will have to take charge of him and clap him in irons. It's ok Gwynne i brought my cricket box so will be well protected ha ha, be afraid. David (security)

Telegram to SS Utopia. STOP Please can you tell me if Jill Price and the others who are supposed to be at the Scottish meet on 28th August, will be back on time. STOP As I don't want to be the only one turning up and be left sitting having lunch on my own. STOP If their not going to be back, can I join in Lisbon. STOP Quick reply requested, as time is running out. STOP Eileen (feeling left out) STOP

David Everything at the brothel is secure, or it will be soon, Jean you slut, get up, how do your knees stand that pressure? David is passing by the brothel we need to get sorted. Security, Gwynne is having delusions you'd better go and check on her, an elf, imagine!

Admiral, We don't seem to have any cabin staff. I rang for a bottle of vodka ages ago. Should we take some on board when we dock? Gwynne

David Think you are my boss - as I also do security - Can I check the mens cabins and their trunks please? and then will get back to reception. Liz

David, You may have seen from my inventory that I have a cattle prod. I also have castration shears. Touch my elf or my shoes and you will feel my wrath where you will not like it. On the plus side you will be able to sing "Walking in the Air" on Karaoke night with no effort at all. Jean, if you read through the previous posts (when they return) you will know who is padlocked to Legolas. I can say no more........... (whisper) Jenny, do you still have the map. Gwynne

Jean I'm hopeless at the business side I'm giving everything away for free, just enjoying my work, being very conscientious. Maybe you had better be in charge, I have to check on my grandson, hes the cabinboy you know, and Frankie my loyal but alcholic mutt.

Security check starting now, first call is Gwynnes cabin to recover those red shoes which should be in my stores, only to be signed out when required for the entertianment, what the Elfs that Elf doing with them anyway. Next call the Brothel may take some time before i get away from there. I will be watching so be afraid as there will be many body searches!! David head of security

Ice and lemon Madam?

How long is it before we shipwreck ourselves?