General Chat

I have just logged on to GR today and I am not surprised to see this thread is still running. There is so much alcoholism in families, most of the time hidden (for various reasons). I have found that anywhere I go, once I start to talk about the problems in my family (my sister's bloke and my mother) it isn't very long before a surprising number of people reveal similar stories (just like this thread). I have openly admitted that my mother was an alcoholic, because it helps me to cope with the feelings that I have about it. My mother died 4 years ago from an alcohol related illness and I still feel really angry about it. She wasn't a 'falling down drunk' like some poor souls are, more of a quiet, indoors type of drinker. This didn't stop her from making the lives of those close to her hell, whenever she had been drinking. She had a split personality, to her friends and work colleagues she was a different person, kind and generous, always there for them. Indoors she could be a tyrant, demanding and vindictive. My poor dad bore the brunt of it, he never discusses what went on, not even now. I would be summoned in the middle of the night by my mum because she had smashed up the place and my dad 'had left her'. In reality he had gone for a walk to cool off. After a while I refused to attend these incidents because I found them so distressing, she would turn on me as soon as I arrived. I finally dealt with her outbursts by removing myself from her presence, I would only stay in her house as long as she was civil as soon as the tone of her conversation began to change I was off. This prevented me from saying what I really felt, and the fallout that would ensue. Cowardly? yes, but by maintaining this stance I could at least monitor the situation and try to help my poor dad when I could.

Morning everyone, i have just been reading through the latest comments. Karen you did the right thing, children need protecting. Wendy, what can i say except i admire not only your guts for telling us but also your taking control of your problem and changing your life. I know its not easy for an alcoholic to stop, so well done for all the hard work and determination it must have taken you. Jacky, its suprising how well some alcoholics can hide their problem by only drinking on certain days of the week, it can be a while before you notice there is a problem and its not the occasional 'bender'. My parents were adamant they were not alcoholics as they didn't -at the time- spend all day in the pub, and they were able to hold down respectable jobs and positions in the community......they just drank behind closed doors. When they lost jobs, friends, and eventually their home through their drinking they were not alcoholics. Family feuds, serious health issues, including cancer, alcohol smuggled into hospital at visiting time, hiden bottles when staying with family, or visitors arrive, tempers when the money has run out and there isn't a drink for 24 hours, and they are still not alcoholics........... That doesn't even begin to touch on what the home life was like, thats too personal for on here. I personally think its a genetic problem, as much as social, as growing up with the situation i was determined not to be like it, there is a certain spirit i cannot stand the smell of, it makes me physically ill due to the memories, and i drink in moderation, because i refuse to be boxed in by someone else's problem, however i have on 2 occasions in my life had too much, and neither time am i proud of myself, but they were both emotional occasions and i wonder if its a throwback to my parents. I hope not, i hope they are just 2 lapses that will not become a 3rd. As for my brothers they are heavy drinkers, two of them are also addicted to other things they shouldn't be, and doing my family tree has dug up lots of similar addictive problems. This thread is probably far too personal in retrospect, but i am leaving it as i have spent too many years being ashamed of something that was not under my control, and it is liberating to talk to people who have similar life experience. To everyone who has been through the misery of living with an alcoholic, whether you have walked away, or stayed and suffered, my thoughts are with you. Yvette

Jacky, I feel like that - I feel uncomfortable when some drink to excess at the meets - thankfully I have only been to one that it happened at. Debby - My ex used me as an ashtray - still have the scars from that. When I told him to leave I threatened to have him charged with the assault of one of our children and also on me - his reaction???? he signed himself into a psychiatric ward - where he was in the company of 3 other people from his favourite pub. One died a few weeks later - a woman of 39, another slit his wrists badly when he got home - to be found by his 15 year old daughter and the 3rd?? well he is in his late 40's now but is like a man of 80. My ex? havent seen him for over 5 years now - I moved away. I have seen a photo of him - and was shocked - he looks so old and haggard and I can see the damage drinking has done and is still doing to him. I forgave him for all he did to me but can never forget- I often think about the child who never arrived through him - but then I get too sad and cry. I beg the forgiveness of my children for not doing something earlier - their lives may have been so different if they hadnt had to live in fear, walking on eggshells never being allowed to have friends round, witnessing his rages. I was too scared and weak - he drove my son away - caused my daughter so many emotional scars - we felt we were on our own - against the world.

Karen, You had to do what you did. If you hadn't then the school would have done so - you have no need to feel guilty at all. Much as I love 'our' ex-alcoholic I would have stepped in if I thought for a second his children were in any danger. Fortunately his wife did the right thing and threw him out. Children's safety has to come before anything. Gwynne

Yes i agree with you Alcoholics ae so selfish, My Grandfather took to the bottle when my Nanna died - i was very young at the time and the memories still haunt me to this day of either his so called friends bringing home or the Police. The dinners that where thrown at the walls and the endless rows my mother had with him-(we lived in his house at the time ) and of the birthday present that was broken when i opened it, i cried myself to sleep and when i woke took it to him and left it there with him and a letter telling how i thought-today this day i don`t know if it was that made him change. Rest in Peace where ever you are. Lizz

Some thought provoking replies. Wendy how brave of you to admit to your problem when there are so many stories on here against alcoholics. A couple of people made me wonder about my own Dad. I would never have had him down as an alcoholic but he did go out every Friday night, Staurday night, Sunday lunchtime and Sunday night. Often coming back very drunk. He did cause scenes especially Sunday lunchtimes. If we hadn't eaten dinner and were waiitng for him, we shouldn't. If we had eaten we shouldn't have done. I remember lots of dinners up the wall. I also remeber the first Christmas I was with my husband, my then boyfriend and I turned down an invite for Christmas Day so I could be with my dad. He arrived home at 4am, fell near the house and cut his head and spent all day Christmas in bed nursing a hangover. I moved out that year. I do drink, but for many years I was very wary of my Father in Law if he had a drink and it took a long time before realising he was funny when tipsy, not nasty. I only experienced the tip of the iceberg compared to the many on here and I wonder how come you have all come through so sane!! How many of you have been to GR meets and found it uncomfortable with others drinking? I bet many, like myself, would never have thought of things like that. Take care all of you. Jacky xx

Bryan From Cilfrew Your very wise but alas... tomorrow never comes.

i have to agree my uncle is an acholic and he lives with my nan who is 88 he is suppose to look after her but how can he do that when he is drunk all the time he never cooks for her just buys takeaway which she cant stand there is never any food in ,she has gone days without a drink of tea but my nan wont have a bad word said against him

I applaud you Karen you did what you had to do for the sake of the child. You saved her future. If only everyone was so brave. Jan :-))

Thank You All, I needed forgiveness from someone who's family had been in that situation! Karen PS I updated my message as i hadnt put the final point across as well as i could have!

IF i ever start drinking again and didnt put my own kids in care myself, I hope to god that there is someone like you nearby karen, you did what you thought was right, the child concerned will know that in her heart, her mother probably did on her rare lucid moments, dont beat yourself up for it babe, its done now and as has been said, the child is probably only alive because of it

Karen You have no need to apologise to any family you did what any nice caring person who cares about children would do! and anybody who thinks about it would have done the same. Davex

You didn't ruin anyone's family, Karen - the mother managed that on her own. You don't need anyone's forgiveness, just to come to terms with it all. You gave that child the gift of a future full of hope - that was a wonderful thing to do.

karen,you saved that child's life.....thank you!! bryan.

Bless you all, but what if it had been your family that i had ruined??? I am not proud of what i did!! I am trying to apologise!! Karen

You certainly did do the right thing karen, children need people like you to look out for them. I've lived with alcholics as well as being one, and i've seen what effects it has on others, especially kids, through drinking 'buddies' and the way they treated their children. I used to try and stay sober when i knew one friend in particular would be meeting us cos i knew she'd have the twins with her, my drinking wasnt as much of a problem at that time, so i could take the kids home and feed them and put them to bed in mine, it would be days sometimes before she picked them up. GOOD FOR YOU, wend xx

Thank you Dave I kinda know i did the right thing, but when i see the devastation caused by her ( and my) actions i find it hard to live with my conscience. Maybe i could have gone about it a different way. Oh by the way she beat the living whatsit out of me when she found it was me who startred the ball rolling! Karen

Karen - you probably saved that child's life - never feel guilty for that !! xx

Nobody hates you for it Karen I believe you did what was needed and first of all we must always make sure that children are safe and that is what you did and it was neccessary. I certainly dont think you should be questioning yourself after 8 years Karen you did exactly the right thing and that is the action I myself would have taken.! Davex

I have followed this thread all day with great interest, and must admit to having shed more than a few tears for you all. My Story, and dont hate me for it please! 10 years ago my brother in law met a woman with a 3 year old daughter, we never knew she had a drink prob, tho he did. As my daughter was the same age as hers we became good friends. I could see that her daughter wasnt progressing at the same pace as mine(and was severelly underweight) so i watched the family more carefully, just curiosity really but i soon realised the problem. Then brother in law started to work off shore and the daughter never went to school while he was away, so i had a word with the teachers and they said she only attended school when the new dad wasnt working and on the odd occasion when she did attend they sometimes had to phone the mother to come and get her at the end of the day. To cut a long story short, i threatened the mother with social services, i thought this would sober her up. It didnt and when the child set a fire and was trapped in the house at age 5, with the mother in a drunken sleep upstairs, i felt i had no other option but to get onto social services. It was a slow process and the daughter was taken into care, but today the child is a happy 14 yr old living with her birth fathers rellies and the mother was buried 3 years ago. Not before giving birth to a baby boy who was born addicted to alcohol at birth and now has severe mental and physical disabilities, now living with brother in law. I am still having trouble (8 years later) forgiving myself for intervening, i wish i hadnt!! Now thats my story and it has broken my heart again telling you guys but i just had too. Karen