General Chat

The Night before Christmas for MOMs 'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode, only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, which made her sigh, 'Now what's the matter?' With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, she descended the stairs, and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. 'Oh great,' muttered the mom, 'Now I have to clean the rug.' 'Ho-ho-ho!' cried Santa, 'I'm glad you're awake.' 'Your gift was especially difficult to make.' 'Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.' 'Exactly!' he chuckled, 'I've made you a clone.' 'A clone?' she asked, 'What good is that? Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat.' The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes, same double chin. 'She'll cook, she'll dust, ' she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless.' 'Fantastic!' the mom cheered. 'My dream come true! 'I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night through! ' From the room above, the youngest began to fret. 'Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet.' The clone replied, 'I'm coming, sweetheart.' 'Hey,' the mom smiled, 'She knows her part.' The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune, as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon. 'You the best mommy ever. ' I really love you.' The clone smiled and sighed, 'I love you, too.' The mom frowned and said, 'Sorry, Santa, no deal. ' That's my child's love, she's trying to steal.' Smiling wisely Santa said, 'To me it is clear, ' Only one loving mother, is needed here.' The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed. 'Thank you, Santa, ' for clearing my head. I sometimes forget, it won't be very long, when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song.' The clock on the mantle began to chime. Santa whispered to the clone, 'It works every time.' With the clone by his side Santa said, 'Goodnight. Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right. Author unknown

How does Frosty the Snowman get around? On an 'ice'-icle! What does Frosty eat for lunch? Ice-'berg'-ers! What does Frosty like to put on his icebergers? Chilly sauce! What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear? A 'brrr' - 'grrr'! Why did Frosty go to the middle of the lake? Because snow man's an island! What did Frosty's girlfriend give him when she was mad at him? The cold shoulder!

Thanks for the Poem Jacquie. Enjoyed it very much, and enjoyed the jokes too, Joy.

So guys Monday again.... another week starting.... I so miss going to the garden centres and seeing all the Christmas Stuff on display... buying my Poinsettia...mind you they grow in the garden here.... huge!!! Hopefully this year we can actually put the Christmas Lights up! Last year no power, year before upstairs wasn't finished..year before that we weren't connected to the electricity yet... this year fingers crossed!!!! Jacquie xxxx

We couldn't afford much when the kids were small so most of our decorations were home made. What used to be a highlight for them at Christmas was seeing all the lights in the towns and cities as we went to visit my parents for Christmas - an 8 hour car trip with 4 small children! We used to time it so we reached the outskirts of Newcastle and Sydney in the dark. Then we would visit all the houses that had made special displays. :)

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party? Because he didn't want to be recognised! How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air? You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer! What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail? She'd go to a 're-tail' shop for a new one! Why is Prancer always wet? Because he's a 'rain'-deer! Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? 'Rude'-olph! What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can't hear you! What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will 'sleigh' you! How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He looks at his calen-'deer'!

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder! What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps! What's an ig? An eskimo's home without a loo! What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers! Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs! How do snowmen travel around ? By iceicle ! What sort of ball doesn't bounce ? A snowball !

You can't have a summer without Christmas And you can't have a Christmas without heat You can't have a kiss without the mistletoe And a barbie's not a barbeque Unless you burn the meat. But if you've got the nibblies and the crackers It's stinking hot and clearly summertime The flies, the food the rellies and the pressies then bless my soul it must be Christmas time. There's nothing like an early morning Christmas before sunrise Busting to unwrap every pressie you can find Going for a drive at night and checking out the fairy lights, There's nothing more like Christmas than Christmas time. :)

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas, Eve ! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ? Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve ! What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter 'D' ! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia ! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail ! Who delivers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws ! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ? Because it soots him ! Who delivers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus ! How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks ! Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ? Because he's Sooty !

With Christmas 100 days to go Is this a test of endurance, why no It’s to keep you abreast That the days are less and less Till you can eat and be merry for so….. I just hope some of you are actually reading this…. Jacquie xxxxx

I am reading it, Jacquie! :-) Joy

bought lots of stocking fillers for the kids yesteday and some mince pies just to test to make sure we still like them lol Julia

What kind of music do elves like best? 'Wrap' music! How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders! What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? Why, shortbread of course! What kind of money do elves use? Jingle bills! How long should an elf's legs be? Just long enough to reach the ground! What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer? 'First, YULE LOGon'! Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log!

''12 Days of Christmas Re-Examined in Light of Competition Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' subsidiary. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit. Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line. Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.''

Julia Mince Pies, ummm my favourites.... Just hope I can buy Mince this year!!! 3 Wise Women Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

Mince Pies 4 apples 4 oz sultanas 2oz currents 1/4 lb lemon peel 1/2 lb seeded rasins 1/2 lb beef suet 1/2 lb sugar 1/2 packet all spice grated rind 1 lemon 1 grated nutmeg 1/2 cup brandy or sherry 1/2 lb good short crust pastry Peel, core, dice apples finely. Wash and dry sultanas, currants cut up finely with lemon peel and rasins. Skin and chop suet finely. Mix all ingrdients together and store in airtight jar till needed. Roll short crust pastry out thinly and cut rounds for lining bottom of pie tins and smaller rounds for tops. Place pastry rounds in pie tins and fill with fruit mince. Moisten pastry edges and place tops on with small hole in center of tops. Glaze with water and sugar. Bake first 15 mins in a hot oven then lower heat to moderate and bake 25 to 30 mins longer. Sprinkle pies with icing sugar.

Just seen mince pie recipe , now will have to find recipe for orange pastry to put mince meat in for what the kids call posh mince pies !!!! Jan

Jan, sounds good to me!!! 'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Computer Version 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully loaded; While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene, The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green. When out in the hall there arose such a clatter, The programmer ran to see what was the matter. Away to the hallway he flew like a flash, Forgetting his key in his curious dash. He stood in the hallway and looked all about, When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out. Then, in the computer room what should appear, But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer; And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause, Chuckled: 'My name is Santa...the last name is Claus.' The computer was startled, confused by the name, Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim: 'This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.' With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew; It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew. It searched in its memory core, trying to 'think'; Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink. Unable to do its electronic job, It said in a voice that was almost a sob: 'Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry, Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry, Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know, And at data-recall, I am more than so-so; But your name and your address (computers can't lie), Are things that I just cannot identify. You've a jolly old face and a little round belly, That shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly; My scanners can see you, but still I insist, Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!' Old Santa just chuckled a merry 'ho, ho', And sat down to type out a quick word or so. The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean, As Santa fed this 'data' into the machine:'Kids everywhere know me; I come every year; The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer; But you won't get anything - that's plain to see; Too bad your programmers forgot about me.' Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug, 'Merry Christmas to All,' as he pulled out its plug, 'And to all, a good night!'

Morning Peeps... so only 91 days to go, Hope you have all started on your preparations... lol Jacquie xxxx

Jacquie - thanks for reminding us!! Am getting everything off e bay this year! (So much easier than leaving it til the week before and getting crushed in the rush!!) BAH HUMBUG!! K x