General Chat

ME STRUMPET HAVE YOU KNOW HOUSEMARTIN IS ERRR UMMM WELL UMMM ERRR OKAY FIRST CLASS STRUMPET IFYOU DONT MIND

*insists on retaining top billing* *and a tray of Mand Ms in her dressing room* *and a romance with Johnny Depp or Cain Dingle forthwith*

*studies nails....well, frankly, Our Em, I think that from now on people should audition for a part:-))) I know Hayley WC would KILL to get a part in your saggy. bye for now. mwah! XX

STRUMPET HIRES SOLICITOR

* shocked* resident Strumpet !! Grateful for any part.....grovel.....! ex Convent girl.

HOUSEMARTIN WANTS FUN

oh knickers... these actresses...sigh....

**Massive sulks.... she's been bribed I know it! My part has been cut to a silent walk on....*sobs......

oops... * rushes to put Polly on Cast list*

* sulks* not even got my name in lights! * shoves Mrs Prescott* *sobs dramatically and flounces off thread *

* panics*

*examines small print on contract*

CHAPTER SIXTEEN Ms Jilly Mc Mad, the local Justice keeper had, had a bad night, and she arrived at Gr courthouse in a foul temper. It was so bloomin hot, her wig was itchy and she had broken her anvil last night trying to put up a picture of Les Battersby in her downstairs toilet. Jilly shrugged on her robes in a huff and glanced at the days Lists… “oh great” she muttered “ that stupid Charlie Foxtrot delta whatisname is up first… spoil my day before it starts why don’t you” Jilly flounced out of her chambers and went to find some ice cubes. Meanwhile, sitting impatiently in the dock was a certain Butcher called Charlie Foxtrot Elliot, chunnering to himself quietly about the injustice of it all… All he had tried to do was blow a ruddy hedgehog up with a smidging of semtex… after all, he was doing the world a favour wasn’t he? Nasty little flea ridden vermin…. Why lemonella had to have one as a pet and flaunt the thing in his butchers.. outrageous it was! Charlie Foxtrot, glanced around the courtroom… “ eeh good turn out… I say.. good turnout” he said.. to nobody in particular Indeed the court was fairly packed with most of the residents of GRrrr Street… well anything for a laugh… But, where on earth was the prosecution star witness? Miss lemonella … Word had it that Lemonella had told off a troll of the Ethernet but instead of being applauded had been sent on an anti swearing course in Coventry for 2 months… Now that really WAS injustice! Anyway… Jilly Mc Mad… walked into the courtroom ( balancing a bag of icecubes under her wig) and sat down “ oh its too hot for all this milarky” she grumbled “ silence in court” Jilly shouted, “ and stop spraying that fly spray about Bouffant Babs, and no.. before you ask Gwendoline housemartin this isn’t a Chinese takeaway and you cant order number 461” With that, Jilly banged down a soup ladle ( she had brought in to replace the anvil) then shuffled her papers menacingly, that’s if you can shuffle papers menacingly. “ Enough” she bellowed , ignoring the fact nobody had yet spoken, “ Guilt as charged, I sentence you to…” The Defence barraster jumped up alarmed, “ your honour.. wait… you have not heard any evidence yet” Miss Anna Marple raised her head from the back of the courtroom, crunching a mint humbug, she put down her knitting and peered at Jilly mc Mad… was that sweat dribbling down Jilly’s head? Jilly muttered to herself and sat back in her chair.. “ damn, I was hoping they wouldn’t notice” “well get on with it “she moaned, Jilly could feel a small trickle of water sliding down her neck. The icecubes were melting far too quickly. To Be continued…….. ( because I cant find the rest of the chapter I wrote down… damn!) Charlie, had , had enough, he stood up and stared at Jilly Mc Mad… “ Now listen here Milady, you cant find me guilty of trying to blow up a hedgehog.. they aren’t protected you know… I say, they aren’t protected…” Jilly pursed her lips “ shut up Foxtrot” she scowled “ any more noise out of you and I will get my sausages from Tescos instead” Charlie sat back down quickly, he knew he was done for…

You promised me Johnny Depp or Cain Dingle *wails loudly*

CHAPTER FIFTEEN Guin woke with a start, her head quickly checking the smooth uncreased pillow lying next to her. “phew, “ she sighed, but as she did, she caught smell of a very whiffy nature…Glancing over at Mr Tibbles her very fat ginger cat.. who glared back indignantly, her nose then led her to look at her beside cabinet. There sat a plate of half eaten mature stilton. “ I knew I shouldn’t have had that ruddy cheese last night” Guin Moaned to herself “ I had the most horrendous nightmare, something about John Prescott and mint imperials” Guin sank back into the pillows and tried to piece togther what actually did happen last night. She could remember sitting with Susie Smithe in her wine bar, having a small sherry for dutch courage, but when Susie brought out the blue bucket, her mind became hazy.. Guin decided she better phone Susie to find out, but after ringing several times, to no answer, Guin gave up Susie must either be sleeping off a Lambrini induced coma or catching flies on a park bench somewhere… never mind, she would phone again later. But why the Dutch courage? And what on earth was Terina doing with that bicyle pump last night? Someone banging on the door downstairs shook Guin from her thoughts… she lept (well stumbled) out of bed, throwing on her dressing gown, and quickly went downstairs to the shop. Fumbling with the keys to the shop door , guin was about to give whoever was rapping loudly on theletter box short thrift, when she saw Steve mc Boffin standing outside on the pavement, holding Guins handbag in front of him.. “ what the….” Guin stated as she opened the door… “ Miss De vere..” Steve, said quickly, smiling “ you left your bag in my taxi last night, I didn’t realize til it was too late and you had already disappeared into the station by then” Guin, groaned loudly and, grabbing the bag she dashed back upstairs to her bedroom… “ oh Mr Tibbles… what HAVE I been up too this time?”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN Meanwhile, back at Manchester piccililly station…… Guin De Vere let the handsome stranger guide her through the main concourse, believing they were heading for a train to London…. Not so.. Just as they both reached the entrance to the platform, the man, one hand gently resting on Guins elbow, suddenly changed direction, and guin found herself wlaking back the way she had just come, through the concourse and out through the main entrance to the station.. “ what are you doing?” Guin exclaimed “ I thought we were….” But Guin was cut off, the stranger put his index finger to his lips.. “ shhh” he mouthed quietly “ you mustn’t draw attention to yourself, you don’t know who could be lurking” Guin suddenly realized something, “ hold on” she said “ where’s your French accent gone?” “ oh that?” the man replied “ just a ruse… cant be bothered carrying it on now, too much bloody hard work” “ so where are you really from then?” Guin asked “ west ham” the man replied , smiling “ the namesGary, pleased to meet you” And with that, Gary gently pushed Guin towards a waiting jaguar, its engine running. Gary opened the rear passenger door for guin, and as she slipped inside she smelt the familiar aroma of Old Spice and mint Imperials… “ so you made it” a deep voice form next to her spoke, “ yes my dearest”, Guin smiled, “ but why so much secrecy this time?” Guin looked lovingly into the mans eyes “ its never bothered you so much before” The man turned round to her and took hold of Guins hand “ because my darling “ he started.. “ being John Prescott is a bloody nuisance sometimes, you know what them ruddy newspapers are like!” And with that the car sped towards the M6……….

CHAPTER THIRTEEN Dan O Donnell was just at a tricky stage of the proceedings of clearing out a badgers insides, when the doorbell rang.. Immersed in what he was doing, Dan didn’t bother to check who was at the there, but just pressed the intercom buzzer to unlock the door… Big Mistake.. Instead of Lemonella who was supposed to be arriving , Rebecca melonchest came bounding up the stairs, her ample decolage giving her two black eyes on the way… “ hi danny boy” Rebecca breathlessly beamed “ what you got there… oh… urrgghh” Lemonella had just nipped into the pub to buy a bottle of wine. “ just a cheap bottle of white please mazerella, “ Lemonella asked “ dan wont know the difference so any old rubbish will do” Mazerella went into the back and retrieved a bottle of cambrini she was given free with a Chinese takeaway last night, “ here we go Lemonella, its only £3.50,” maz grinned, well anything to keep her supplied in babychams she thought. Lemonella paid up, and tottered out onto the cobbles towards Dans flat. Rebecca had just spotted the dead badger on the draining board… “ er, that’s not for tea is it” she looked doubtfull at the mangled insides spilling out into the sink. “ erm, no offence like but Jean Etta has got some tasty battered pork pies downstairs”

CHAPTER TWELVE Gwendoline Housemartin came out of the pub and was lured into the chippy by the smell of battered cucmber…. “evening Gwen” Jean Etta said as she threw another tray of chips into the fryer. “ what can I get you?” “ooh, do you have any jockey’s whips dear” Gwendoline enquired. “ jockeys whips? Jean etta was puzzled “ oh, you mean chips!. I didn’t now you was a cockney gwen” Jean Etta laughed. “ No” gwen replied “ I mean jockey’s whips, them things you smack horses backsides with”….. Suddenly, Jean Etta was distracted by a comotion outside the chippy… Rebecca Melonchest was about to knock on Dans Door when she spied polly Annadin Tarted up to the nines heading off to the pub…right behind Steve Mc Boffin. “Oi, you.. Dolly Polly” Rebecca shouted down the street. Polly paused and turned round “Ah.. erm “ polly stuttered… “ Rebebcca was having none of it, “ so where do you think you are going dressed up like Lily Savage on speed then?” She spat “ don’t tell me, you want to get me out of the way so you can get your size 12 feet under steve Mc Boffins table” Rebecca Glared hard at Polly, who had turned a deep shade of red, matching her dress.. “ Not at all, Rebecca, and anyway, my feet are a size 10 not 12… “ she lied. “ Anyway,” Rebecca carried on “ you look like a stick of rhubarb in that get up, steve wont look twice at you, especially with my.. er.. large up front commodities” polly knew she had a point.. well two of them actually, “ I am not after that Steve anyway, I just wanted to show off my new haircut” polly was getting desparate now, she had just seen Lemonella tottering into the pub and knew steve also had a thing about stilettos, In fact steve had a thing about a lot of things, but that’s another story…..

CHAPTER ELEVEN Of course, Terina O Fartly wasn’t on her way to the airport at all. She was perched on top of a bar stool in ‘Wining Ways’, Susie Smithes wine bar in Ancestry lane. Friday nights were lambrini nights, £3 a bucket, and free straws thrown in. Terina sipped delicately on her bucket and waited for Susie to finish her curly wurly (she ate a lot of those). Finishing, Susie wiped her mouth and pulled up a bar stool. “ so Terina, what do you think of my idea for Saturday nights then?” “ well” Terina replied, “ a happy hour always goes down well with the Yorkshire crowd” “ good” Susie beamed, “just what I was thinking, right, I think 6.30 til 11 sounds about right” (Susie was rubbish at maths.) Terina rolled her eyes heaven wards and kept quiet. Best let Susie just get on with it Terina thought. Suisie carried on “ jean etta down at the chippy does a happy hour too, selling half price haddock 30 mins before she closes, and that goes down a storm. That polly Annadin is always first in the queue” Terina sighed “ yes Susie, but that polly is always first in the queue for anything” “ no matter” Susie carried on, “ and what about an Irish night? That should be fun, ms daisy would like that” “ yes Susie, but what about Ms Daisy’s many strange daughters? “ Terina took a quick slurp of Lambrini” I mean, look at that lemonella, she goes round in yellow stilletos with a hedgehog on a lead. Then theres that wendy with her wayward neice the phantom trumpet player. And what about that Emsie… nobody has seen her for 2 years since she started writing a book . Oh and don’t get me started on that Our Joanie!” Susie mulled this over, “ well you have a point Terina, I know, what if I put up a sign outside… no stilettos, hedgehogs or yaks? That should sort it” And with that Susie picked up another curly wurly.

CHAPTER TEN The net curtains twitched in the front room of No 9 GRrrrrr St . Behind them, Polly Annadin patted her hair with glee, “ooh good” she said to her pet parrot Gordan Ramsay (on account of the parrots swearing ability) “ Steve Mc Boffin is around today” Polly went over to the phone, “ now, all I need to do is get that Rebecca Melonchest out of the way” Polly dialed Rebecca’s number… “Yarss?” (Rebecca had her telephone voice on again) “ Its me Rebecca, your best friend” lied Polly, without pausing for breath she went on “ I was talking to that Dan O Donell yesterday and he told me he wanted to show you his stuffed badger… tonight!” “polly smiled sarcastically into the phone” “Oh” Rebecca faltered “ well I was rather hoping to go to the GRrrr Arms, I think Steve is going to be in there tonight” “damn” polly swore quietly to herself.. then “ oh I don’t think so Rebecca, I just saw him taking that Terina O Fartly to the airport. He will be gone all evening” Polly waited while rebecca’s brain stopped whirring. “ oh well that’s ok then, Dans it is” Rebecca replied,he was good fun at that wurzels concert the other week” Phew, polly thought, that was close, “ see you then Rebecca, byeee” and without waiting for a reply, polly slammed down the phone and rushed over to the mirror hanging above the fireplace. “ Not bad, not bad” she commented to Gordan. Admiring her hair, even though she wasn’t really sure tight ringlets suited her, but Bouffant Babs had assured her they were back in fashion and soon everyone would have them. (in truth, babs had forgot to rinse out the perming lotion when she did polly’s hair last week and instead of the demi wave polly asked for, she ended up looking like a 40 year old Shirley temple) Polly rooted around in her handbag, applied a generous layer of lipstick, then sprayed herself liberally all over with eu de fungus, then headed for the front door slinging her hangbag over her shoulder on the way out. Polly had big plans for her and mr Steve Mc Boffin… and they didn’t include rebecca’s melon chest………