General Chat

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
>
>
> Doctor: "What happened?"
>
> Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
>
> Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
>
> Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
> When your husband comes home drunk,
> just take a glass of sweet tea and start
> swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
> swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
>
> Two weeks later the woman comes
> back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
>
> Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
> Every time my husband came home drunk, I
> swished with sweet tea. I swished
> and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
>
> Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

A Lovely Story About My wife


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or nag!










But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.


THE END.

A golfers tale


A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.

One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club.

She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.

She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college, and I
was pretty good.

Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other.

Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.

Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to
15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes, but said okay..

She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round.

She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.

Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round,

Despite playing with her off-hand.

They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant, and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up..

They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire
to beat her.

The third week the guys had their game faces on.

But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.

This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

This woman was a riddle -no one could figure out.

They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her
point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.

"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.

I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit.

Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him.

If his penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed;

If it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical..

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,

"But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!"

A Cardiologists Funeral



A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.



A huge heart..covered in flowers stood behind the coffin.

All the other Doctors sat in awe during the service.



Following the eulogy, the heart opened, the coffin moved insde and then the heart closed again completely hiding the coffin as if it had been engulfed by the heart forever.



At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When everyone was staring at him in disbelief, he said ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynaecologist!



The priest fainted

Learn from your elders


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep

COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the
Man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Thank you Bob and Elizabeth.

I spent the whole of my childhood covered in cream with a cherry on my head.

I tell you - it was tough in the gateaux!!!!



Andy. who was unemployed got a part time job on the Glorious 12th Grouse Shoot as a beater. He wanted to impress so when the head gamekeeper said that he wanted a volunteer for a rather difficult copse full of prickles and thorns he said "I'm game." - and someone shot him!!!!

enjoyed this

LOL who is this pilgrim father? and where has he been hiding, all this time, what a thread.......
georgeous!!

Bob

I was outside the Body Shop in town yesterday - I shouted through the door "Shan't come in - I've already got one"

> Subject: Fw: Chinese Sick Leave
>
> I NO COME WOK TODAY!'
>
>
>
>
>
> Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today,
>
> I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
>
> The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
>
> When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
>
> That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
>
> and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

Never tempt a woman!!!!


A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good , thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!'

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS ...


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?''Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.

They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.


Right now, he can't do none of those'.

CONTRECEPTION

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing

Subject: The Preacher


It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to
think of a sermon for the next morning.

About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, 'Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about
horseback riding!

'She said, 'Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!'

He replied, 'Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of.

'The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
'I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know,
if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding,
I'm just going to stay in the car during the service.'

He said, 'OK, then, suit yourself!', so she stayed in the car!
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden
inspiration and gave a hellfire and brimstone sermon on SEX
that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the
members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her
win dow. One of them said, 'Wow! You just missed the best
sermon your husband has ever given!'

She said, 'Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks
big, but he's only tried it twice in his life! 'Once before we were
married and once after, and he fell off both times.

Subject: PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you ????"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now send it to 1 or more people.

Nothing will happen but 1 or more people laughing

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.

From Caz


The future of nursery rhyme


It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.






Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.





.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.






Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.





Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.







Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.





Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.