General Chat

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his
children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could
help,
and he said,......'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


You're going to love the Dad's reply:










'Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?'

I think this one has already been published. Never mind!


A Golfer’s Story




An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said,"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 173 more votes?"

Xmas presents.


I'm not buying my Mother-in-law a present this Xmas - she hasn't yet used the one I bought her last Xmas.



It was a burial plot!!!!!

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

-------------------------------------------------

Husband says to wife " How do you control your anger when I annoy you ?"

Wife replied " I just go and clean the toilet "

Husband " How does that help ?"

Wife " I use your toothbrush."

-------------------------------------------------


A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman
stands up: "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your
knee."

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"A book came out for women that tells them how to please men in bed. The title of the book is "Just Show Up".


-------------------------------------------------

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and
turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the
window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

-------------------------------------------------



Wife: "There's trouble with the car. it has water in the carburettor."

husband: " Water in the carbuerttor? That's ridiclous."

Wife: " I tell you, the car has water in the carburettor."

Husband : " You don't even know what a carburettor is . Where's the car?"

Wife: " In the swimming pool."

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My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.
She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.
"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

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"Did you know that 66 percent of Australians can't do basic maths?

That's almost half!"

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I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

-------------------------------------------------

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming and terrified like all the passengers in his car."


-------------------------------------------------

1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a hundred aspirin."

2nd man: "Oh my God! What happened?"

1st man: "After the first two, I felt better."

-------------------------------------------------

A man wakes up one morning in British Columbia to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?"
the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his test*cles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

-------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a traveling flea?

A: An itch hiker.


Q: Why should you not trust the ocean?

A: Because there is something fishy about it.


Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.


Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

A: You can't tuna fish...


Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?

A: A sham rock!


Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leaf clovers and not 3-leaf clovers?

A: They need all the luck they can get!


Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patty O'furniture!

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded G-d...
3. Greater than G-d...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?






Try hard before looking at the answers




Did you get it yet?




Give up?









Brace yourself for the answer....





The Answer is:






NOTHING!


NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded G-d.
NOTHING is greater than G-d.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded G-d...
3. Greater than G-d...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?






Try hard before looking at the answers




Did you get it yet?




Give up?









Brace yourself for the answer....





The Answer is:






NOTHING!


NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded G-d.
NOTHING is greater than G-d.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Lol

Pilgrim father... glad I have this in 'My Threads'... or whatever it is called now!

Old age!

Hmm! I just read that last one...........

in stereo!!

LOL

Irish birth Conbtrol


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye Mrs Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now,I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'

They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving
hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

This is apparently a genuine reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office, which prompted this reply:



Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole..

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime,whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'




An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'





When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Funnies!!!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You shall know tonight", he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

------------------------------------------------


The quip about warning signs re. unattended children reminded me of my No.2 daughter's sense of humour. Some years ago she was manager of a wine shop.She had a couch and some chairs in the middle of the shop where people could sit and taste. She found she had to put up a discrete little sign saying "At great expense we have trained our furniture not to jump on your children". The behaviour of children (or should that be parents?) improved markedly after that!

------------------------------------------------

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that's not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."

------------------------------------------------

From Elizabeth

I have to tell you this one! At work one day I came across a customer who used to live at Ploding Place in Sydney. Quick as a flash my colleague said he's ex-ploding place!

------------------------------------------------


My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

------------------------------------------------

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might
think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the
name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

------------------------------------------------

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.
"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in
first class."

------------------------------------------------


A farmer wanted to breed from his old sow, so put her in his wheelbarrow to take her around to his neighbour who had a boar. They let them run together for a while and then he loaded her up to take her home. "How will I Know if it has worked", the farmer said to the neighbour. "When you wake up in the morning, look out of the bedroom window, if she's rolling in the grass you know it has worked, but if she is wallowing in the mud you know it hasn't."

So the next morning the farmer jumped out of bed and looked out the window,but was disappointed to see the pig wallowing in the mud. So he loaded her up in the wheelbarrow again and took her around to his neighbour's and let her run with his neighbour's boar for a second time. Next morning he jumped out of bed and looked out of the window, but there the pig was wallowing in the mud again.

Disappointed, he thought he would give it one last try. So he loaded the pig into the wheelbarrow and took her around to run with the neighbour's boar for the third time. In the morning he couldn't bear to look out of the window, so asked his wife to look out instead. "Is she wallowing in the mud again?" he asked. "No" said the wife.

"Don't tell me she's rolling in the grass?" he replied. " No" said the wife.
"Well, what is she doing then?" the farmer asked. His wife replied "sitting in the wheelbarrow!"

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windscreen wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a parking ticket from a police officer, along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

------------------------------------------------

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little
sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a
sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

A: "You're fun to hang around with."


Q: What do you call two birds in love?

A: Tweethearts!


Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

A: It was Valenswine's Day!


Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!


Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day?

A: "I find you very attractive."


Q: What country makes you shiver?

A: Chile.


Q: What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A: A piano.

Hooker's Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blond.


"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Larry

Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father
moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs
and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computing',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.

So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess......
While I sit here on my bum.

Subject: Use Big People Words!!



A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they
faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

I love this.....

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



"Winnie the SHIT."

THE IRISH BROTHEL



Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Will you look at that", says the first Irishman,

"and didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are".

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes
inside.

"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone

with their pious preaching and funny little hats",

say the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer and

roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go
inside.

"Oh, how sad!", says the third Irishman,

"One of the girls must have died!"