General Chat

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"

"Yes!" Paddy replies.

The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"

Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

Subject: A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE





After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
Shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
Out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for
Free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't
You go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young
Woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
Reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the
Slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched
In amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

As he steps in, he's struck dumb: There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall holds a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then he hears the door on the other side open and the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me," he says, "for its been a very long time since I've been to confession. But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be!"

"Get out you fool!" the priest hisses. "You're on my side!"

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

-----------------------------------------------------



The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

-----------------------------------------------------

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if
he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone
$400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that,
considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about
$798,000."

-----------------------------------------------------

"A new sleep study suggested that insomnia is linked to early death. Well
that should help you doze off. If you weren't sleeping before, this should
knock you right out."
-----------------------------------------------------

In a train compartment, there are three men and one ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show
you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of
their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $5, I'll show you my
thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a five-dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her p*nties.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their
coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $20, I will show you
where I was operated on for an appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the
window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "Right over
there!"

-----------------------------------------------------


.. What Confucius did not say!

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

-----------------------------------------------------



A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. there is
strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty
and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever
trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer
says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this court room," he says looks towards the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look eagerly. A minute
passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says "Actually I made up the previous statement. But you
all looked in anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retires to deliberate. A few minutes laster, the jury returns and a
representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have some doubt; I saw all of you
stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your
client didn't."

-----------------------------------------------------

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some
good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

-----------------------------------------------------

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she
says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think
that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you
ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"

-----------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?

A: To get his teeth crowned.


Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?

A: A headbanger.


Q: How do you make a bandstand?

A: Take away their chairs.


Q: What did Ernie say to Burt when asked if he wanted ice cream?

A: Sure-Burt!

Thanks

GinaS

Lol ... PF

Political correctness.




It is no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any specific racial or ethnic minority, so here is an attempt to meet those sensitivities

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Bolivian, a Tibetan, a Manxman, a Brazilian, a Portugese, a Burmese and an Ethiopian went to a night club.


The bouncer said,
"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

Hospital Bill





You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.



A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery..

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."



Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum cleaner.


Talk about Dyson with death.

A sobering thought


10 years ago Bob Hope died

5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Subject: FW: ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX


> Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are
> having.

> Please find a list of companies below catering for most
> tastes:
>
> Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
>
> Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
>
> Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
>
> Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
>
> Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.
>
> Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
>
> Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
>
> Sex with an OAP - Saga !
>
> Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!
>

;-)
I'm Welsh, saw it coming soon as Ann W came into the picture.

Nice one PF

Shipwrecked Welshman


A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it..

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man
brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful
evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect
for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings
again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted
her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk?'

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, in Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

I see Kelvin Mackenzie's column in today's Daily Mail includes two jokes that I posted on my thread 16/12.
I wonder if he reads Genes Reunited?????

Here is old age at its best



Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up.
Fred didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Fred really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Fred didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Fred figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Fred approached the park and--
lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him
and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'



'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her.
What about her?


'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I
was rich and she filed rape charges
against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.


'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Wife to Husband:

You were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss.

Husband:

Piss on him!!!

Wife:

You did, and he fired you!!!

Husband:

F..k him!!!

Wife:

I did, and you can go back to work on Monday!!!

I also love P F jokes and have acknowledged them in the past.
I have replied on the thread the past as it is recorded in 'My Threads' and I've pm'd him when some are close to the knuckle, whilst it didn't bother me I thought he may get R R 'd.

I think it's a bit rude of you George to say P F's jokes are wasted on this lot !
Never seen you reply before.

Sandie.
Edit..my last reply was on 4th Dec ...still on this page.

Love the jokes, just feel your wasting your time on this lot.


George :-D :-D

Weekend funnies!!!!!


Reason given by a woman for being absent from work on Monday . . .
"My husband took an overdose of Vi*gra and I couldn't leave him with the
maid."

------------------------------------------------



.

"A friend of mine died recently after inhaling a can of Mr Sheen.....it was
a horrible end....but, a beautiful finish".

------------------------------------------------



I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my
friend,

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, you idiot!

------------------------------------------------

"Today is International Ninja Day, when people are encouraged to carry toy
weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank
wasn't celebrating it."
------------------------------------------------



During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

------------------------------------------------



Got a new bottle of aftershave the other day, smells like bread crumbs. The birds love it


Have you heard the news that REM have split up?! Shocked. I fainted in the curry house when I heard the news. That's me in the korma...

------------------------------------------------

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the
diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money
that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband, "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

------------------------------------------------

.from students.

Sometimes in the war they take prisoners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps


A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed
If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do
this


I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths If
it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel


The closest town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy


Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak


Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a bit clipper


Crabs and cfeatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians


In geography we learned that countries with sea around them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents


In Scandinavia, the Danish people caome from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland

------------------------------------------------

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.

------------------------------------------------


A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but thats it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter s*xual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

------------------------------------------------



Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like mine. I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do without
your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

------------------------------------------------



Q. What do you call a very old ant?
A. An antique.

Q. What is even smarter than a talking bird?
A. A spelling bee.

Q. Why shouldn't you loan books to a dog?
A. It will make them dog-eared.

Q. What do you call a cat that can jump far?
A. A catapult


Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A: Ice caps!


Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow?

A: An Eskimoo!


Q: Why do Vikings make the best weathermen?

A: Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!


Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?

A: Baroke, baroke, baroke.




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