General Chat

If all the world's a stage, where do the audience sit? What a brilliant thread - just what we need on a cold and rainy day.

Knock Knock Who's there? Holly Holly who? Holly-days are here again.

Knock Knock Who's there? Mary Mary who? Mary Christmas Knock Knock Who's there? Wenceslas Wenceslas who? Wenceslas train home? Knock Knock Who's there? Snow Snow who? Snow business like show business Knock Knock Who's there? Wayne Wayne who? Wayne in a manger Knock Knock Who's there? Oakham Oakham who? Oakham all ye faithful

To fly you must not only have wings, but flap them.

If you do not climb mountains you will not see afar. 'A centipede was happy quite Until a toad in fun said 'Pray which leg goes after which?. This put his mind in such a fix He fell distracted in the ditch.

One tequila, two terquila, three tequila, floor! (this one is for our Cornish colleagues, a race close to my heart.) Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek Counseling. If you're too open minded your brains will fall out. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.' 'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' . So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. All computers wait at the same speed. Access denied -- nah nani na nah nah!

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. It is easier to get forgivness than permission. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

'A stitch in time saves nine' said a mother of eight as she sewed up her hubby's pyjamas.

If a firefly has it's rear end cut off, is it delighted ?

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. A balanced diet is a cream bun in each hand. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'. I got home from the pub last night and found my wife in bed with two men. 'Ullo 'Ullo' I said. 'You're not speaking to me then' said the wife!!

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

I've never been to bed with an ugly woman - but I've woken up to a few!! There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

N