General Chat

'I got Long John Silver out in the cricket match; I bowled at his leg stump.' 'Hey tramp, I notice you've only got one shoe. Have you lost one?' 'No, actually I've found one.' 'A lorry loaded with glue has overturned on the M25. Police are advising motorists to stick to their own lane.' 'A manure lorry has overturned on the same motorway. Police are appealing for witnesses not to come forward.' 'The toilet at the local Police Station has been stolen; they've nothing to go on.' 'I hear that the man who stole the batteries will be charged in the morning.'

Happy New Year to all my readers. 'Humpty Dumpty, could you lend me some cash?' 'Can't. I'm broke.' 'My friend the tighrope walker has been made redundant; he lives on a shoestring.' 'The acrobats got married this morning. They were head over heels in love.' 'Can I have a room for the night?' 'Have you a reservation?' 'No - I'm not even a Red Indian.' 'I've been to a wedding; two local TV aerials got married.' 'Did it go well?' 'Great - fantastic reception!' 'Barman you seem to have a piece of lettuce sticking out of your nose.' 'It's OK. It's just the tip of the iceberg.' 'Barman, there's a terrible smell in here.' 'Yes, we've got skunks in the cellar.' 'How many are there?' 'Quite a phew!'

Don't shoot - I don't want to be President!

I was born this way - whats your excuse?

Conserve energy - make love slowly

Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit!

Enjoy a good laugh - go to work on a feather!

You're never alone with schizophrenia.

Support your local Police - STEAL!

Only dirty people need to wash!

Clean earth smells funny.

Children - Beat your mother while she is young!

Autopsy is a dying practice. Take a cannibal to lunch! THINK! - maybe the Joneses are trying to keep up with you!! Sibling rivalry is for kids! Help get rid of the lunatic fringe - support your local barber! Identify your friends by their enemies. Pray for obscene mail! Fight poverty the American way - get a JOB!! ANARCHISTS UNITE! Sock it to me with apathy.

Graffiti can be found in the unlikeliest of places - in the Reading Room of the British Museum; 'It's a funny old world, Signed, Karl Marx'; on an Egyptian pyramid: 'I've got pharoahs at the bottom of my garden too'; at the American Embassy in London: 'Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been Spanish'; inside the Vatican: 'Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic' - but the likeliest place to find it is in a lavatory, and in public lavatories at that. It's not so much fun doing it on your bathroom wall at home.

Cure virginity!

Birth control pills are habit forming.

'Kissinger should be bloody well hung'
He is, my dear, he is - Mrs Kissinger.

No arms for the Venus de Milo!

'Legalise Mental Telepathy'.
I knew you were going to say that!

Pilgrim you brighten my day pmsl take care Caz xx

If at first you don't succeed - CHEAT! Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'till noon! Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends! Hire the morally handicapped! Visit your mother today, maybe she hasn't had any problems lately. Up with miniskirts! Down with hot pants! Start the day with a smile - and get it over with! To save face - keep the lower half shut!

Support the rich! Drive defensively - buy a tank! Lower the age of puberty Wake up to insomnia. Help stamp out philately! Legalise vandelism! Support wild life - vote for an orgy! Repeal inhibition. Stamp out reality. Legalise necrophilia! Depressive Neurosis is nothing to laugh about. Repeal the law of Gravity. Save our slums! Help a Nun kick the habit!

A few GRAFFITI renderings. Ever since Man could write he's written on walls. There is no form of literature so old or so universal as graffiti. it's been around since the days of the cave-painters and looks like being with us for the rest of time. Festus hioe fuituit cum Sodalibus Meaning 'this is the spot where Festus made it with Sodalibus'' it's one of the very much more innocent samples of Pompeiian wall gossip. And if you can't get to Pompeii this year, when you're next in London make your way to Chancery Lane and seek out the window ledge on which was etched in the year 1719; 'Here did I lay my Celia down; I got the pox and she got half a crown.' So here are a few more:- I am a mistake - legalise abortion. Save water - bath with a friend. Support Free Enterprise - legalise prostitution. Stop air pollution - quit breathing. Stamp out distemper but don't step in it. More tomorrow.

'I'm not an alcoholic but I have got a problem. I drink brake fluid and I can't stop'. 'You've just put your sleeve in my drink,' a girl said to the one armed barman. 'Well, there's no arm in that is there?' he replied. 'I realised I was Dyslexic when I went to a toga party and I was the only person dressed as a goat.' 'Yes, that dyslexic became a devil worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.' (think about it)

'Good evening Postman Pat'. 'Hi but I'm retired now and you shouldn't call me Postman Pat.' 'Oh , what should I call you?' 'Pat'. I tried being a doorstep salesman but everyone already had a doorstep. 'I went swimming with dolphions last week. It was no good. I couldn't get them through the turnstiles.' 'I used to drink my scotch neat. Now I just slouch about in any old clothes.'

'Yes, god created 24 hours. Then he called it a day. 'I bought my wife a fur coat for Christmas. I could only afford hampster skin. Anyway I cut off the label and the coat looked quite good. To celebrate the special day, I took her to Blackpool. It was a waste of time. She spent all the time on the big wheel. That couple have separated. They bought a water bed but drifted apart. My wife walks five miles a day. The problem is I don't know where she lives. The difference between in-laws and outlaws is that outlaws are wanted. Be kind - do not mock Tudor houses or turtle soup.

This is the net result of £15.00 worth of Xmas Crackers from M&S What's white, furry and smells of mint? A polo bear. Anogram to solve - COWCARERS Knock Knock Who's there? Aeron Aeron who? Aeron't you glad it's Christmas. Anogram to solve - BINGOTINA What do you get if you cross a pair of shoes with a banana? Slippers An anogram to solve - FOGONWILL What do you get if you cross a sheep and Ebenezer Scrooge? Baaa humbug. An anogram to solve - OILINGNUT Where do wasps go on holiday? Stingapore. An anogram to solve - FREEHERDS What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Biscuit? You can't dunk Santa Clause in your tea. (I give up!) Anogram to solve - THESNICKS No crackers next year - money in the charity box. Have a nice evening.

IT IS TODAY - a serious bit! Today: Though the precise origin of the date is unclear, Christmas, commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, is celebrated on this day, having been first identified as the date of Jesus' birth by Sextus Julius Africanus in 221.

'How do you prepare your turkey for Chriatmas?' 'I just tell it that it's going to die.' 'What a coincidence! Fancy, Jesus was born on Christmas Day.' 'Great news from Bethlehem; mother and child are in a stable condition.' I walked past a snowman yesterday. He asked, 'Can you smell carrots?' 'My neice wants a camouflage jacket foir Xmas but I can't find one.'

Hello Pilgrim haven't looked in for a few days. You've cheered me up to say the least pmsl Have a lovely Christmas Caz

What did Adam say on 24 December? He said 'It's Christmas Eve.'

'I'm just back from Buckimgham Palace - my scarecrow got an O.B.E.' 'What did he get it for?' 'They said he was outstanding in his field.' 'I've planted four trees in my back garden.' 'Do they look nice?' 'Yes but my dog hasn't got a leg to stand on.' 'Would you like a drink Van Gogh?' 'No thanks I've got one 'ere.' 'Could you lend me the price of a pint please dwarf?' 'Sorry, I can't; I'm a bit short myself.' 'Dwarf, why don't you go horse racing? You might feel a little better.'

Skeleton: 'Could I have a pint of beer and a mop please?' 'What's your name?' 'Six and seven eighths.' 'That's an odd name. Why did your parents choose it?' 'They didn't choose it; they drew it out of a hat.' 'I've just come back from Switzerland. ' Lucky devil, I bet the scenery was wonderful.' 'Don't know: I didn't see any. The mountains got in the way.' 'I'm worried. My daughter goes out with a mushroom. ' Why does she do that? 'She says he's a fun guy to be with.'

If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. My husband and I divorced over religious differences, He thought he was God and I didn't. They call it PMT because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. I intend to live forever- so far so good.